Humor

Best New Jokes: October 24, 2011

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


IN 10 YEARS

A retired older guy was driving along in Florida when the Highway Patrol It is the year 2021, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, “To think that right here used to be the Twin Towers…”

The son, not understanding, asks his father: “What are the Twin Towers?”

The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, “The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when terrorists destroyed them.”

The son looks up to his father, and asks, “And what are terrorists?”


MEN:
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands
would be found in all corners of the world…

Then He made the earth round.



THE STRONG SILENT TYPE!

Dana Perrino (Fox News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy
SEAL. After discussing all the countries he had been sent to, she asked if
they had to learn several languages?

His reply: “Oh no ma’am, we don’t go there to talk.”


MEN:
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’


MEN:
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..


BREAKING NEWS FROM AFGHANISTAN

A shocking development took place today as the ruling members of the Taliban held a press conference threatening the United States if its territory is invaded. Immigration Czar Mohmammed Ali Momaluke stated that the Afghan authorities “would not hesitate for a moment” to cut off the US supply of convenience store managers.


MEN:
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor


AND NOW, THE REST OF THE NEWS

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.

“That’s my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, “That’s my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows.

“I’m getting a Fax,” he explains


MEN:
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death. AMEN


ACCOUNTANTS & AUDITORS

What’s the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

What’s the definition of a good tax accountant?

Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?

When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What’s an extroverted accountant?

One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.

What’s an auditor?

Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?

Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?

Depreciation.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.


MEN:
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.


THE ORIGIN OF PETS

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.


MEN:
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy


DON’T IT FIGURE!!!

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give > birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.

We should’ve known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.


MEN:
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

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