If We Can’t Laugh at Ourselves, We’re Dead
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SUNDAY MORNING SEX
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong.”
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “and if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”
An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, “There really is no justice in the world.”
The other little old lady asked, “What do you mean by that?”
The first little old lady replied, “Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it, When I was 30, I enjoyed it, When I was 40, I asked for it, When I was 50, I paid for it, When I was 60, I prayed for it, When I was 70, I forgot about it.”
“Now that I’m 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I’m too old to squat.”
A woman and a baby waited in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for him to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and commented the baby wasn’t gaining enough weight. He then asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed.
“Breastfed,” the woman replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is hungry. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma … but I’m glad I came.”
A few days ago I was tooling along through a neighborhood in my wheelchair when I noticed a young boy sitting on the retaining wall in front of his house, crying as if his heart was breaking.
I pulled alongside the youngster and asked, “Son, what’s the matter? Why are you crying so?”
“I’m… cry… crying ’cause I can’t do what my 20-year-old brother does,” he said.
So I sat there and cried with him.
IN THE BARNYARD
A farmer bought a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. He put the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.
The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”
The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!”
The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and let the young to take over, so take a hike.”
The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon. Just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won’t bother you.”
The young rooster says, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over!”
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, “I’ll tell you what, young fellow, I’ll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets the domain of the chicken coop. And if I’m so feeble, why not give me a little head start?”
The young rooster says, “Sure, why not, you know I’ll still beat you.”
They line up in the back of the farmhouse, get a chicken go cluck “Go!” and the old rooster took off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about five inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what’s going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He shoots the young rooster.
He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife…
“Son of a bitch … third gay rooster I bought this week!”
A TAD FORGETFUL?
At 85 years of age, Morris married LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband was so old, LouAnne decided that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepared herself for bed and waited for the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It’s Morris! And he’s again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond goodnight, and leaves.
LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.
As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I’ve been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You’re a great lover, Morris.”
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, “You mean I was here already?”
An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth-control pills.
“Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep better?”
The woman said, “Simple, I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.”
RAISING THE DEAD
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”
DO YOU REMEMBER?
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, “Honey, do you remember this?”
He looked up at her and said, “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”
She said, “That’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?”
He nodded and said, “Yes dear, I still remember.”
“Well, what was it?” she asked. He responded, “As I remember, I said, ‘Oh baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out.'”
She giggled and said, “Yes honey, that’s exactly what you said. So, now it’s 50 years later, and I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?”
Again he looked up at her, and he replied, “Mission accomplished.”
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day.
Upon completion of the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
“In fact, I do”, said the man. “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
“This is very interesting”, replied the doctor. “Let me do some research and get back to you.”
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”
“Oh that old buzzard!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!!!”
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You use to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you use to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you use to bite my neck”
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going ?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?”
“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll ’round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.”
“Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea,” she answers.
There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see this…two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so’s there’s no trouble.”
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like 18-year-olds. This goes on for about thirty minutes! She’s yelling, “Ohhhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, “that was truly amazing; he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.”
As the couple pass, he says to them, “That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”
“No, there’s no secret,” the old man says,” except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn’t electric.”
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit, and freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.”
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
She said, “For dinner, he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
She said, “I can’t remember where I live.”
THE PLUS SIDE OF PARKINSON’S
Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen’s home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Annabel, age 87, wandered into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”
She asks “What?”
He replies “SEX!!!”
Annabel exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!”
“I know”, Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while.”
“Well, I can oblige”, says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
They agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard’s manhood.
Then, one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the home until she found him sitting by the pool with Sarah, who was holding Howard’s manhood!
Furious, Annabel yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don’t have?”
Howard smiled and replied “Parkinson’s!”
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