If We Can’t Laugh at Ourselves, We’re Dead
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- Remaley, Sally (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 32 Pages - 12/09/1983 (Publication Date) - Lindsay Curtis Publishing] (Publisher)
- Amazon Kindle Edition
- Lowe, Rann (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
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SUNDAY MORNING SEX
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong.”
She paused, wiped away a tear, and then continued, “and if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”
An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, “There really is no justice in the world.”
The other little old lady asked, “What do you mean by that?”
The first little old lady replied, “Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it, When I was 30, I enjoyed it, When I was 40, I asked for it, When I was 50, I paid for it, When I was 60, I prayed for it, When I was 70, I forgot about it.”
“Now that I’m 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I’m too old to squat.”
A woman and a baby waited in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for him to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and commented the baby wasn’t gaining enough weight. He then asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed.
“Breastfed,” the woman replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is hungry. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma … but I’m glad I came.”
A few days ago I was tooling along through a neighborhood in my wheelchair when I noticed a young boy sitting on the retaining wall in front of his house, crying as if his heart was breaking.
I pulled alongside the youngster and asked, “Son, what’s the matter? Why are you crying so?”
“I’m… cry… crying ’cause I can’t do what my 20-year-old brother does,” he said.
So I sat there and cried with him.
IN THE BARNYARD
A farmer bought a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. He put the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.
The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”
The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!”
The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and let the young to take over, so take a hike.”
The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon. Just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won’t bother you.”
The young rooster says, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over!”
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, “I’ll tell you what, young fellow, I’ll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets the domain of the chicken coop. And if I’m so feeble, why not give me a little head start?”
The young rooster says, “Sure, why not, you know I’ll still beat you.”
They line up in the back of the farmhouse, get a chicken go cluck “Go!” and the old rooster took off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about five inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what’s going on, grabs his shotgun, and BOOM! He shoots the young rooster.
He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife…
“Son of a bitch … third gay rooster I bought this week!”
A TAD FORGETFUL?
At 85 years of age, Morris married LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband was so old, LouAnne decided that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.