Humor

The Best Senior Jokes and Funny Stories

Best Senior Jokes Book: Old Couple Jokes

Aging is inevitable, so why not laugh about it? Our collection of funny senior jokes will keep you laughing for days on end. Whether you are looking for clean jokes, corny jokes, dad jokes, or even dirty jokes, we’ve got it all! 

This year has been full of stressful moments, so it’s time to hear some jokes and release some stress. Memorize these funny jokes or print them out and read them to your family to get them laughing.

Enjoy our collection of senior jokes and old couple jokes in our Best Senior Jokes Book. If you need more…take a gander at our Sexy Senior Jokes Book and our Best New Jokes Compilation: Mostly Old Jokes.

ANDY ROONEY’S THEORY OF LIFE

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backward.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out because you’re too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating and you finish off as an orgasm.

Ain’t that the truth?


SENIOR’S LAMENT

A few days ago I was tooling along through a neighborhood on my wheelchair when I noticed a young boy sitting on the retaining wall in front of his house, crying as if his heart was breaking.

I pulled alongside the youngster and asked, “Son, what’s the matter? Why are you crying so?”

“I’m… cry… crying ’cause I can’t do what my 20-year-old brother does,” he said.

So I sat there and cried with him.


THE ROOSTER CONTEST

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to
business.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”

The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens….look at what it did to me!”

The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and let the young to take over, so take a hike.”

The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon…..just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won’t bother you.”

The young rooster says, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over!”

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, “I’ll tell you what, young fellow, I’ll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets the domain of the chicken coop. And if I’m so feeble, why not give me a little head start?”

The young rooster says, “Sure, why not, you know I’ll still beat you.”

They line up in the back of the farmhouse, get a chicken go cluck “Go!” and the old rooster takes off running.

About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what’s going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he shoots the young rooster dead. He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife …

“Son of a bitch … third gay rooster I bought this week!”

Walking Stick Cartoon

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he
say?”

“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman then gave the officer her license.

“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”


THE FROG, THE KISS, THE SURPRISE

So, this senior citizen was walking across a damp meadow when he heard a female voice say, “Sir, I would like to ask a great favor of you “He looked around and saw only a frog sitting on a grass pod. “I must be going nuts,” he thought, “There’s no one here.”

The voice then said, “Please, sir. Please help me.”

Again all he saw was the frog which was looking straight at him. “Who said that?” he asked rather loudly.

“I did, sir. I’m the frog. I was a beautiful 19-year-old princess but a witch put a spell on me. Please help me.”

The old man picked up the frog and held it in his hand. “How can I help you?” he asked.

“The only thing that will break the spell is to have a man kiss me in the mouth. Please do it for me, and then I will again turn into a beautiful, sexy, princess, and I will really make you feel young again. I will make great love to you.”

The man closed his hand about the frog and stuffed it into his pocket. “At my age,” he said, “I’d rather have a talking frog.”


ZZZZZZZZZZZZ

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth-control pills.

“Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”

The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep better?”

The woman said, “Simple, I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.”


ROMANCE, SENIOR-STYLE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You use to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you use to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”


THE VET

Every Sunday a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. It went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.

“My dear, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he said.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”

“That’s wonderful. How much does he send you?” the priest asked. “He sends me $2,000 a week,” she replied proudly.

“Your son is very successful,” said the priest. “What does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered. “That is a very honorable profession,” the priest assured her.

“Where does he practice?”

“Well, she replied, “he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in New Orleans.”


WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me…..I know we’ve been friends for a long? time…..but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

Acute Angina Cartoon

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit, and freshly ground coffee.”

I said, “Well, then why are you crying ?”

She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon”.

I said, “Well, why are you crying ?”

She said, “For dinner, he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying ?”

She said, “I can’t remember where I live.”


RAISING THE DEAD

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set, and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set, and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said,

“I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”


DO YOU REMEMBER?

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, “Honey, do you remember this?”

He looked up at her and said, “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”

She said, “That’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?”

He nodded and said, “Yes dear, I still remember.”

“Well, what was it?” she asked. He responded, “As I remember, I said, ‘Oh baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out.'”

She giggled and said, “Yes honey, that’s exactly what you said. So, now it’s 50 years later, and I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?”

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, “Mission accomplished.”


SENIOR MARRIAGE

There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. The next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”


WHAT HEAVEN’S LIKE

Three guys die together and go to heaven.

St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as
they are God’s favorite creation.”

They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible NOT
to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here
comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains
them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman
forever.”

The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter
comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.

Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and
doesn’t step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this
beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains
them together and leaves without saying a word.

The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve
this?”

The Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”


THE PHYSICAL

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day, so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

“In fact, I do”, said the man. “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

“This is very interesting”, replied the doctor. “Let me do some research and get back to you.”

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh that old buzzard!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!!!”


MEMORIES

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that is red and has thorns.”

“Do you mean a rose?”

“Yes,” the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”


MEMORIES II

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

“Big breaths,” I instructed.

“Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.


SHOCKING SEX

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?”

“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”

“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll ’round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.”

“Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea,” she answers.

There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, ‘I’ve got to see this…two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so’s there’s no trouble.’

So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like 18-year-olds. This goes on for about thirty minutes!

She’s yelling, “Ohhhh, God!”

He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, ‘That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.’

As the couple pass, he says to them, “That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”

“No, there’s no secret,” the old man says, “except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn’t electric.”


THE JOY OF SHARING

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald’s that cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating
there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could
tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there is a couple who has been
through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order
with no hesitation, and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table
near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one
hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out
the French fries, divided them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in
front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then
set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get
restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. “That poor old
couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over
to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the
old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were
used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She
just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him
buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were
used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their
table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he
finally asked a question of the little old lady.

“Ma’am, why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything. What is
it that you are waiting for?

She answered, “The teeth.”


SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

4. Your husband chirps, “Hi honey, I’m home.” And your reply, “Well, if it isn’t Ozzie Fucking Nelson.”

5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

7. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She
suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do
something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
“Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”


I’m Not Old … Just Mature

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.

From my purchase, this chap took off 10 percent.

I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;

And he answered, “Because of the Seniors Discount.”

I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries;

And there, once again, got quite a surprise.

The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.

He said, “For you seniors, the coffee is free.”

Understand — I’m not old — I’m merely mature;

But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure.

The newspaper print gets smaller each day,

And people speak softer — can’t hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),

and my glasses identify people I meet.

Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit … not a lot, I am sure.

You see, I’m not old … I’m only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.

You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.

Washing my hair has turned it all white,

But don’t call it gray … saying “blond” is just right.

My car is all paid for … not a nickel is owed.

Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer … get off of the road!”

My car has no scratches … not even a dent.

Still, I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.”

My friends all get older … much faster than me.

They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.

I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles … for sure,

But don’t call me old … just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they’re building today

Are so high that they take … your breath all away;

And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago.

That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new,

And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.

I’m still in the running … in this I’m secure,

I’m not really old … I’m only mature.

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