If you’re in need of a laugh, you’ve come to the right place. We have the best old jokes!
Scroll down to find Suddenly Senior’s All-Time Best New Jokes of the Week Compilation. We have every type of humor, from clean jokes to one-liners and hilarious long jokes.
Enjoy our ridiculously large list of the best jokes compiled over the last 10+ years.
- Waugh, Mat (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 103 Pages - 03/25/2018 (Publication Date) - Big Red Button Books (Publisher)
- Waugh, Mat (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 103 Pages - 03/18/2018 (Publication Date) - Big Red Button Books (Publisher)
- Waugh, Mat (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 107 Pages - 05/07/2018 (Publication Date) - Big Red Button Books (Publisher)
Check out our other jokes pages:
- Corny Senior Jokes Book: Great Jokes for Senior Citizens
- Best Senior Jokes Book
- Best Jokes This Week: Best Jokes for Seniors
- Sexy Seniors Jokes Book: Sexy Elderly Comedy
- Favorite Senior Jokes Book: Funny Jokes for Seniors
Two old ladies were sitting on the porch at the old folks home. One turned to the other and asked “Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?”
The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”
Martha and Betty were at lunch in their Senior Living facility. Martha turns to Betty and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
Betty replies, “Oh sure I do.”
Martha asks, “What do you do about it?”
Betty replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, Martha asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
AT THE HOTEL
It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off when a little old lady comes running towards her screaming. “Please come quickly!” she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!”
The receptionist immediately rushes up to the old lady’s room. “Where is he?” asked the receptionist. “He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looks over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. “It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly. “And how do you know he’s naked, you can only see him from the waist up?”
“The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady. “Try standing on the dresser!”
An older couple decides to retire for the evening. The husband was almost asleep as his head hit his pillow, but his wife felt a little romantic and wanted to talk.
She says, “You know, when we were courting, you liked to hold my hand”.
Wearily, he reaches across and holds her hand for a few seconds, and then tries to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she says, “After that, you used to kiss me softly”.
Mildly irritated, he turns over and gives her a peck on the cheek and again settles down for the night.
Thirty seconds later she says, “Then after that, you used to bite me lightly on my neck”.
Angrily, he throws back the bed covers and gets out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asks.
“To get my teeth!”
A senior citizen’s group charters a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says “I’ve just been molested!
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver starts to think he may have a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she’d been molested too. The bus driver decides that he’d had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
“Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?” says the bus driver.
“I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it keeps running away.”
AT THE MUSEUM
Two old ladies visiting a museum, get separated during their tour.
When they finally catch-up with each other, the first old lady says, “Gertrude, did you see the statue of that naked man back there?”
Gertrude replies, “Yes, I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing, especially with his private parts being so large!”
“I know”, says her friend, “And cold, too!”
VISITING THE GRANDCHILDREN
An elderly couple decides to go and visit their grandson living in California.
The grandfather while shaving one day, notices a bottle of Viagra in his grandson’s medicine cabinet.
That evening after dinner, the grandfather explains to his grandson, about finding the bottle of Viagra, and how for a long time, wanted to test the drug out for himself.
The grandson was hesitate about giving him the drug, especially not knowing what type of reaction or side-affect it could have on his elderly grandfather. So he tried to make up different excuses why he shouldn’t test the drug, which made no difference to the old man, since his mind was made up.
Finally he says, “Besides gramps, those pills cost $8.00 a piece”.
“I don’t care”, says the old man, “I want to try it”
With that, the grandson hands the old man one powerful blue pill.
The next day after work, the grandson finds $108.00 dollars lying on his bed. Curious, he goes and asks his grandfather why he left so much money.
The old man explains, “I didn’t, I only left $8.00. The $100.00 is from your grandmother.
In the early days of mixed play, an English couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off.
The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee first and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
“Allo! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!”
The Brit immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Paul, here’s pounds 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”
Next the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
“Bejesus woman! You’ve no knickers! Why not?” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me!”
He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Patrick, here’s 20 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”
Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
“Hoot mon woman! Why d’ye have nae knickers?” She too explains, “You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!”
The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here’s a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit.”
THERE IS A LESSON HERE
I was so happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel quite uncomfortable.
One day mother-in-law called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went.
She was alone when I arrived. As we looked at the invitations, she rubbed her breasts into me so enticingly. I could not help but notice through her sheer blouse that she was wearing no bra. Her breasts were magnificent, to say the least.
She whispered to me, that soon I was going to be married, and that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She went on to indicate that before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just for once. She pointed out that no one would be home for at least three hours.
I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say anything.
So, she said, I’ll go upstairs to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.
I stood there for a moment, watching her go slowly up the stairs in her formfitting miniskirt. I then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it and stepped out of the house.
Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes. He hugged me and said, “We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn’t have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
The moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn’t.
Some people are alive only because
it’s illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life,
but it broke.
He who dies with the most toys
is nonetheless dead.
The gene pool
could use a little chlorine.
That annoying time between naps
Being “over the hill”
is much better than being under it
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with a cash advance
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
Gasoline prices have gotten so high, crooks are knocking over service stations and demanding “your unleaded or your life.”
GAS PRICE COMPARISONS
- Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
- Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
- Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
- Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
- Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
- Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
- STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
- Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
- Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
- Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
- Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon
So next time you’re at the pump,I guess you should be glad your car doesn’t run on Nyquil, Scope or Whiteout!
Did you hear the one about the woman who begged her husband to take her somewhere expensive for a change?
He drove her to the corner gas station.
A British Airways flight in Chicago couldn’t take off Thursday until the pilot got the passengers to chip in twenty bucks apiece for gas.
“Some sad news — King Fahd has died and, in respect, the Saudi family lowered the flag and raised oil prices.” –Jay Leno
There was a crowd of bees flying around. These bees were a bit different as they were powered by gasoline.
As the swarm along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.
When he rejoined the crowd, his bee buddy said: “Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?”
He replied, “Well, it’s like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don’t like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That’s even worse.
But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. It’s really true. There’s an Esso Bee in every crowd!”
(a service of Suddenly Senior)
Ever wondered where a driver is from? Wonder no more.
• One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
• One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
• One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
• One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: Riverside
• Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio
• Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
• One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Washington (Seattle)
• One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald’s bag out the window: Texas (male)
• One hand constantly refocusing the rear view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas (female)
• Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna, cousin/spouse in passenger seat: Arkansas
• Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the right blinker on: Florida.
MY PIGGY BANK AFTER I FILLED UP
A gas station in Kentucky was trying to increase its sales, so Clem, the owner put up a sign saying, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”
Bubba pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. Clem told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Bubba guessed 8, and Clem said, “Yours shore enough close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”
A week later, Bubba, along with Bobby Sue, his blond girlfriend, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. Clem again asked him to guess the correct number.
Bubba guessed 2 this time. Again Clem said, “Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, Bubba said to Bobby Sue, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”
Bobby Sue replied, No it ain’t, Honey. It ain’t rigged, I won twice last week.”
(this week’s obligatory blond joke)
A tired trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is .. an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”
“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up.
Gas prices are affecting my sex life.
With prices almost at $3 a gallon, I only date women in a 5-gallon radius.
ONE MORE ADVANTAGE OF THE “GOLDEN YEARS”!!!
My neighbour was out working in his yard, when he was startled by a late model car, that came crashing through his hedge and ended up on his front lawn.
He rushed to help the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair.
“My goodness” he exclaimed:
“You appear quite elderly, to be driving!!”
“Well, yes I am!!” she replied proudly.
“I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don’t even need a license anymore!!…
The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him.
He took his scissors out of his drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the waste basket.
“You won’t be needing this anymore!!” he said.
“So I thanked him and left!!..”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
THE GOLD URINAL
Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some
campaign advice, at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he
could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton’s private toilet, he was astonished to see that
Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!
That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. “Just
think,’ he said, ‘when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn’t have something so self-indulgent!”
Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed
Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom,
Bill had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary
smiled and said to Bill:
“I found out who peed in your saxophone.”
Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.
ACTUAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS
• His people would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity”
• “This young lady has delusions of adequacy”
• “He would argue with a signpost”
• “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier”
• “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together”
• “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell”
• “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean”
• “One neuron short of a synapse”
• “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week”
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. “I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer. “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”
“I thank thee”, replied the Amish lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”
“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too.”
“Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home.”
True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately.
“Also,” said the Amish woman, “The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon,
and some days you’re the statue.
THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things –
• The bartender is a blonde girl.
• The bouncer is a blonde gal.
• I’m a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
• The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
• The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Never buy a car you can’t push.
HOW I SPENT MY VACATION WITH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:
• We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
• They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don’t know who they are anymore.
• They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.
• There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.
• At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
• My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
• Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
• My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.
• When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
FILLING IN FOR ST. PETER
Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn’t think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.
“Why, Peter,” Jesus said. “You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need.”
As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.
As the man neared, Jesus said, “Good afternoon, Sir. How may I help you?”
“Well,” replied the man, “I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven.”
“We would certainly love to have you,” said Jesus, “But we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?”
“Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself,” said the man. “I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son,” he continued, “now he was special!”
With pride in his voice he said, “I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he’s known throughout the world and loved by all alike.”
As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, “Father!”
Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, “Pinocchio!”
When everything’s coming your way,
you may be in the wrong lane.
Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats.
They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the cowboys looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?” The woman shakes her head, no. “Kin ya breathe?” The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heard of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver,’ but I ain’t never seen nobody do it.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
Shamus McGuillicutty’s boss from the Guinness Brewery in St. James’ Gate visits his subordinate’s modest Dublin home with bad news.
“I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident, Maggie,” he tells Mrs. McGuillicutty. “Shamus has passed away.”
“Jesus, Joseph and Mary,” as Maggie crosses herself. “Did he have a rapid and painless demise, or did he suffer?”
“I won’t be lyin’ ta ya, Maggie,” says the boss. “He suffered a long and tedious death. Shamus fell, ya see, into the vat of Guinness and drowned.”
“Oh, no!,” the recent widow wailed. “How awful!”
“Aye,” admitted the boss. “He ‘ad to get out twice to pee, he did.”
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
A man had 50-yard-line tickets for the Superbowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
“No, “he says. “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible!” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Superbowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”
He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven’t been to together since we got married.”
“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you
find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor — to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It’s like a human jumping a football field.
A TRIFECTA OF BEST JOKES FOR THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
Argument (ar*gyou*ment): n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.
Airhead (er*head): n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a Police Officer.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q): n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up – but he “made the dinner.”
Blonde jokes (blond joks): n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope): n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer): n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet soda (dy*it so*da): n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee): n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz): v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list): n What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hardware store (hard*war stor): n. Similar to a black hole in space – if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth): n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, “focus….breathe…push…”
Lipstick (lip*stik): n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!
Park (park): v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens): n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”
Waterproof mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah): n. Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae): n. A day when you have dreams of a candle light dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.