Humor

400+ Best Old Jokes: Funny Jokes for 2021

Best Old Jokes

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.


THE WISDOM OF WILL ROGERS

  1. Don’t squat with your spurs on.
  2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  3. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.
  4. If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
  5. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
  6. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him… The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
  7. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
  8. There are two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
  9. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
  10. Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.

A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head,
before it starves to death.


SHOW:

$10 IS $10

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.”

And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, “Edna, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”

Edna replied, “Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”

Fred and Edna agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Fred replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.


An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.


SEX AT 90

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

“I’m 90 years old,” he says.

“90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”

“Oh, sorry,” says the old man. “How much do I owe you?”


I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.


CAJUN FUNERAL

Three friends from de local Cajun congregation of Thibodeaux, Louisiana were asked, “When you in your casket, and your friends and church members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?”

Jacque said: “I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Fouché commented: “I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful teacher, and servant of da church, who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”

Boudreaux said: “I’d like dem to say, ‘Look, he’s movin!’ ”


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s
sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.


WHY FOLKS MOVE TO FLORIDA

A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist’s office in Winter Haven, Florida. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you ”

The man asked, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse ”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”

Is Florida great or what?


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.


SENILITY: DEFINED

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, “Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.”

“That’s not senility,” replied the doctor. “Senility is when you forget to zip down.”


A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic
who never owned a car.


THE SHIPWRECKED REDNECK

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red, with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it, but the dog got jealous and began growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor, was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual It was another beautiful evening; red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze–perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get “those feelings” again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear…

“Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”


A woman is like a tea bag…

You don’t know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.


OF THE FORMERLY RICH HOULIHANS

“Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”

“It is.”

“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”

“I can.”

“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”

“I do.”

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He is.” “Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“He will.”


I have yet to hear a man ask for advice
on how to combine marriage and a career.


ONE FOR THE REPUBLICANS

I was traveling between Phoenix and Chicago the other day. Just south of Kansas City a tire blew out. Checking my spare,
I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, “Need a lift?”

“Yes, I sure do,” I replied.

“You a Democrat or Republican?” asked the old man.

“Republican,” I replied.

“Well, you can just go to Hell,” yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the
same question. Again, I gave the same answer, “Republican”.

The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican.

“Democrat ” I shouted.

“Hop in!” replied the blonde. Driving down the road, I couldn’t help but stare at this gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, “Please stop the car.”

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.

“What’s the matter?” she asked.

“I can’t take it anymore,” I replied. “I’ve only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody.”


Coffee, chocolate, and men. Some things are just better rich.


THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and he sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked …”Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”


If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen


HOW FATHER’S DAY CAME TO BE

Mrs. John B. Dodd, of Washington, first proposed the idea of a “father’s day” in 1909. Mrs. Dodd wanted a special day to honor her father, William Smart. William Smart, a Civil War veteran, was widowed when his wife (Mrs. Dodd’s mother) died in childbirth with their sixth child.

Mr. Smart was left to raise the newborn and his other five children by himself on a rural farm in eastern Washington state. It was after Mrs. Dodd became an adult that she realized the strength and selflessness her father had shown in raising his children as a single parent.

The first Father’s Day was observed on June 19, 1910 in Spokane Washington. At about the same time in various towns and cities across American other people were beginning to celebrate a “father’s day.”

In 1924 President Calvin Coolidge supported the idea of a national Father’s Day.

Finally in 1966 President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday of June as Father’s Day. Father’s Day has become a day to not only honor your father, but all men who act as a father figure. Stepfathers, uncles, grandfathers, and adult male friends are all honored on Father’s Day.


The best contraceptive for old people
is nudity.


GOING TO DISNEYWORLD

“Hey Grandpa!, Can you make a noise like a frog?”

Disney Movie Trivia Questions and Answers

“I think I can do that. Why?”

“‘Cuz Dad says when you croak, we’re going to Disneyworld”


Take everything in moderation.
Including moderation.


EVOLUTION

First Child: Rush child to the emergency room. Spend the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.

Second Child: Bandage the cut. Spend the next two hours rocking child to relieve the pain.

Third Child: Bandage the cut, tell child to go play.

Fourth Child: Bandage the cut.


The advice your son rejected
is now being given by him to your grandson.


TIME OUT

A dad was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over two years old. They were discussing geography.

“Where does mommy live?”

“Minneapolis.”

“Where does grandma live?“

“Baltimore.”

“Where does grandpa live?”

“Baltimore.”

“And where does daddy live?”

“At work!”

He took the next day off to spend with his daughter.


Fathers often talk about the younger generations
as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.


TOP TEN THINGS DAD WILL NEVER SAY

  1. Well, how ’bout that? I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
  2. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
  3. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude. I like that.
  4. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY.
  5. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
  6. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
  7. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doohickey thingies, you know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
  8. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
  9. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
  10. Father’s Day? No Big deal.

I used up all my sick days,
so I’m calling in dead.


FAMILY LOOP

Many, many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow,
Pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
With flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
Now my daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up-daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.
My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She’s my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!


Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.


POOR SEAGULL

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

“Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked.

“He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”


That guy is so old he shops at
EXTREMELY OLD NAVY.


READ THE LABEL

Johnny went with his father to see a litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were 2 boy kitties and 2 girl kitties.

“How do you know?” his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” Johnny replied, “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”


Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up,
he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.


BEDTIME STORY

A small boy is sent to bed by his father…

[Five minutes later] “Da-ad…” “What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”

“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”

[Five minutes later] “Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”

[Five minutes later] “Daaaa-aaaAAAAD…” “WHAT??!!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”


Don’t look back,
they might be gaining on you.


FROM THE BOOK OF PROVERBS

“A father is a banker provided by nature.”
– French Proverb.

“One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.”
– English Proverb.

Mean fathers, wasteful sons.
– French Proverb

Some fathers love another man’s daughter most.
– French Proverb

My fathers planted for me, and I planted for my children.
– Hebrew Proverb

Friendship reminds us of fathers, love of mothers.
– Malagasy Proverb

There are many fathers, but only one mother.
– Russian Proverb

Victory has 100 fathers and defeat is an orphan.
– Traditional Proverb

The Pilgrim Fathers landed on the shores of America and fell on their knees; then they fell upon the aborigines.
– American Proverb


It’s not hard to meet expenses,
they’re everywhere


A TRIFECTA OF OUR FAVORITE FATHER’S DAY JOKES

WIN

GRAY HAIR?

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?

“Yes”, whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?” the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes”, came the answer.

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “no.”

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.

“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman”?

“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper”

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me.”


Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip around the sun


PLACE:

NEW AND IMPROVED

Sally, aged 3, was sitting in her grandfather’s lap as he read her a good-night story.

From time to time, she would take her eye’s off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke, “Granddaddy, did God make you?”

“Yes, sweetheart” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”

“Oh she said,” then “Granddaddy, did God make me too?”

“Yes, indeed honey” he assured her. “God made you just a little while ago.”

“Oh” she said. Feeling their respective faces again, Sally observed, “God’s getting better at it now isn’t he?”


Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier
than putting it back in.


SHOW:

OUR FAVORITE DAD LINES

I figured out why they call our language the “Mother Tongue.” Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.

Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I’ve always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who’s 6’4″ to my 5’8″ in height), why junk food is bad for you.

One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father’s Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.

If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father’s Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who’s Everything?

I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.


I don’t want buns of steel.
I want buns of cinnamon.


BOB HOPE ONE-LINERS

ON TURNING 70 “You still chase women, but only downhill”.

ON TURNING 80 “That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”

ON TURNING 90 “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

ON TURNING 100 “I don’t feel old. In .fact I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING “I ruined my hands in the ring … the referee kept stepping on them.”

ON SAILORS “They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure.”

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR “Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.”

ON GOLF “Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.”

ON PRESIDENTS ” I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.”

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS “That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.”

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES “I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.”

ON GOING TO HEAVEN “I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”


I spent a fortune on deodorant
before I realized that people
didn’t like me anyway.


GET RELIGION

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign: “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”


A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!”

His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?”

The son replied, “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his father. “So, son, what does the Bible mean?”

“That’s easy, Daddy. It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'”


There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.


I was thinking about how people
seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older. Then, it dawned on me,
they were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I’m just hoping
God grades on the curve.


LIFE

Is all about ass,
you’re either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it, ….
or trying to get a piece of it.


Employment application blanks always ask
‘who is to be notified in case of an emergency.’
I think you should write, “A Good Doctor!


WHAT’S WRITTEN ON YOUR FOREHEAD?

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts:

“Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.” He looks at her and says angrily. “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a GE Logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.” to which he replied – “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Defy written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” she says “then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.” “I’m not a darn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have FEDs DIY written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!”

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks to the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

“Honey, how’d all this get fixed?” She said, “Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.”

He said, “So what kind of cake did you bake him?”

She replied, “Hellooooo… do you see Albany’s Bakery written on my forehead?”


I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.
That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!


REDNECK WITH A HOT DATE

A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: “I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a’ dem rubbers gonna cost me?”

The pharmacist responds: “A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.”

To which the redneck replies: “TACKS! Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves.”


I thought about making a fitness movie,

for folks my age, and call it “Pumping Rust.”


OLDIE BUT GOODIE

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the Afterlife with me.”

Fat Lady Mirror CartoonAnd so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Fat Man Mirror CartoonSo her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”

The loyal wife replied “Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

(I’ll bet she forgot to put his Driver’s License in the box.)


I was thinking that women should put pictures
of missing husbands on beer cans!


10 POLITE WAYS OF TELLING A GUY HE NEEDS TO ZIP UP

  1. The cucumber has left the salad.
  2. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
  3. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
  4. Paging Mr. Johnson…Paging Mr. Johnson.
  5. Elvis has left the building.
  6. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
  7. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
  8. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
  9. Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
  10. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary”

I was thinking about old age and decided
that it is ‘when you still have something on the ball,
but you are just too tired to bounce it’.


THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, and a blonde went in to try out for the job.

“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “What is 1 and 1?”

“Eleven,” she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but she’s right.” Then the sheriff asked, “What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”.

“Today and tomorrow.” replied the blonde.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. “Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?” asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”

The sheriff replied, “Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. “It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”


Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do — write to these men?
Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?


Ads seen in “The Villages” Florida newspaper:
Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?


WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS

A 75-year-old man went to the doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”

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