Humor

400+ Best Old Jokes: Funny Jokes for 2021

Best Old Jokes

The old man explains, “I didn’t, I only left $8.00. The $100.00 is from your grandmother.


FORE

In the early days of mixed play, an English couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off.

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee first and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

“Allo! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!”

The Brit immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Paul, here’s pounds 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

“Bejesus woman! You’ve no knickers! Why not?” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me!”

He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Patrick, here’s 20 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

“Hoot mon woman! Why d’ye have nae knickers?” She too explains, “You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!”

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here’s a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit.”


THERE IS A LESSON HERE

I was so happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel quite uncomfortable.

One day mother-in-law called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went.

She was alone when I arrived. As we looked at the invitations, she rubbed her breasts into me so enticingly. I could not help but notice through her sheer blouse that she was wearing no bra. Her breasts were magnificent, to say the least.

She whispered to me, that soon I was going to be married, and that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She went on to indicate that before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just for once. She pointed out that no one would be home for at least three hours.

I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say anything.

So, she said, I’ll go upstairs to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.

I stood there for a moment, watching her go slowly up the stairs in her formfitting miniskirt. I then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes. He hugged me and said, “We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn’t have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

The moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.


My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn’t.


Some people are alive only because
it’s illegal to kill them.


I used to have a handle on life,
but it broke.


He who dies with the most toys
is nonetheless dead.


The gene pool
could use a little chlorine.


Consciousness:
That annoying time between naps


Being “over the hill”
is much better than being under it


A journey of a thousand miles
begins with a cash advance


The trouble with life is there’s no background music.


CRIME WAVE

Gasoline prices have gotten so high, crooks are knocking over service stations and demanding “your unleaded or your life.”


GAS PRICE COMPARISONS

  1. Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
  2. Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
  3. Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
  4. Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
  5. Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
  6. Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
  7. STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
  8. Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
  9. Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
  10. Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
  11. Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

So next time you’re at the pump,I guess you should be glad your car doesn’t run on Nyquil, Scope or Whiteout!


Begging for Gas Money Cartoon


HOT DATE

Did you hear the one about the woman who begged her husband to take her somewhere expensive for a change?

He drove her to the corner gas station.


Police Sketch Gas Robbery Suspect Cartoon


FLIGHT FUEL

A British Airways flight in Chicago couldn’t take off Thursday until the pilot got the passengers to chip in twenty bucks apiece for gas.


Tax Refund Gas Pump Cartoon


OUR SYMPATHY

“Some sad news — King Fahd has died and, in respect, the Saudi family lowered the flag and raised oil prices.” –Jay Leno


Gas Credit Card Cartoon


REALLY BAD!

There was a crowd of bees flying around. These bees were a bit different as they were powered by gasoline.

As the swarm along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.

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