Who doesn’t love a great corny joke? These jokes can make even the toughest audience smile. We’ve gathered the best funny jokes for adults so you can laugh until your stomach hurts.
These adult jokes are not for the faint of heart! If you’re looking for something lighter that you can share with your entire family, take a look at our best jokes book and at our favorite jokes for old folks.
More Senior Citizen Jokes
- Best New Jokes Compilation: Mostly Old Jokes
- Best Senior Jokes Book: Seniors Only Jokes
- Sexy Seniors Jokes Book: Sexy Elderly Comedy
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon racks on the kitchen table and counters were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted — the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
“Stay out of those,” she said. “They’re for the funeral.”
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company.
So off to the pet shop, she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, he looked and winked at her. He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”
The old lady figured “what the heck,” she hadn’t found anything else. She brought the frog and put him in the car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her “kiss me and you won’t be sorry”.
So the old lady figured “what the heck”, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into a gorgeous sexy young handsome prince. The prince then kissed the old lady back and guess what the old lady turned into?
She turned into the first motel she could find!
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. As soon as were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.
Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course, I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘Sex and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual orgasm.’
“Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm’ there. That’s all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have a mutual orgasm?”.
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”
GRANDMA AND THE NUDIST COLONY
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle? It makes your nose look too short.”
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mabel answered, “I have? suppository?”
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally, the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and it had a pearl worth $50,000 …..please advise”
The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap”
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They opened the casket and find that the woman is alive! She lived for ten more years and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: “BE CAREFUL!!! WATCH THAT DAMN WALL!!!!!!!”
KNOCK ON WOOD
Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 live in a house together. One night the 76-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs “was I getting in or out of the bath?”.
The 74-year-old yells back “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.”
She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells “was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 72-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”
She knocks on wood for good measure and then yells “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door”.
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”
Every Sunday a little old lady placed $1,000 on the collection plate. It went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
“My dear, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he said.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”
“That’s wonderful. How much does he send you?” the priest asked. “He sends me $2,000 a week,” she replied proudly.
“Your son is very successful,” said the priest. “What does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered. “That is a very honorable profession,” the priest assured her.
“Where does he practice?”
“Well, she replied, “he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in New Orleans.”
WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said, “How soon do you need to know?
Two elderly people were living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for several years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. The next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
WHAT HEAVEN’S LIKE
Three guys died together in a terrible accident. Fortunately, they went to heaven.
St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favorite creation.”
They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.”
The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.
Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.
The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?”
The Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that is red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes,” the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” expressed the patient.