Table of Contents
Healthy Food
This 85-year-old-couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife’s neurotic interest in health food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much of this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied, “Remember, this is Heaven.”
Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”
“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You play for free.”
Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet?” St. Peter asked. “This is heaven. It’s free!”
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly.
“That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
The old man looked at his wife and said, “You and your darn bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!”
Dear Grandson:
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I’m really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life.
Oh yes, I’m also flirting with Al Zymer.
Love, Grandma
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, “Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, “Now, what am I here after?”
THE FACELIFT
A lady in her late 40’s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The
Dr. told her of a new procedure called “The Knob”. This small knob is
planted on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to
produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman
wanted “The Knob.”
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with two
problems.
“All these years everything had been working just fine. I’ve had to turn
the knob on lots of occasions and I’ve loved the results.
But now I’ve developed two annoying problems. First of all, I’ve got
these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your
breasts.”
She replied, “Well, I guess that explains the goatee.”
The Foursome
Four men were out golfing.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”
The check-up!!!
An elderly woman accompanied her even more elderly husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die:
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant; make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“You’re going to die,” she replied.
THE JOYS OF BEING MALE
1. Your rear is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. Chocolate is just another snack.
7. You can be president.
8. You can wear a white shirt to a water theme park.
9. Foreplay is optional.
10. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
11. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
12. You don’t care if someone doesn’t notice your new haircut.
13. The world is your urinal.
14. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
15. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.
16. Same work… more pay.
17. Wrinkles add character.
18. You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
19. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
20. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
21. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
22. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
23. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
24. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
25. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
26. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
And, Finally, . . . . . .
27. One mood, all the time.
Old Couple Holiday
There’s an old couple, both in their 80’s, on a sentimental holiday they went back to the spot where they first met. They’re sitting in a pub and he says to her, “Do you recall the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind.”
“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?”
“Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea,” she answers.
There’s a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, ‘I’ve got to see this, two old-timers having sex against a fence.’ So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She’s yelling “Ohhh God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The guy, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, the guy says to them, “That was something else, you must have been going at it for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?”
“No, there’s no secret,” the old man says, “except fifty years ago that frigging fence wasn’t electric.”
Three Old Ladies
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the greengrocers and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
Then the third old lady chipped in with: “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”
Sun City Senior Citizens
A group of Sun City Senior citizens were sitting around talking about their
ailments:
“My arms are so weak I can barely hold a cup of coffee”, said one.
“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee”, replied another.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck”, said a third, to which several nodded in agreement.
My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another went on…
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully. “Thank God, we can all still drive”!
Two Old Men
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail….. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used “blow-up” dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned… how was it for you?”
The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast….. she farted and flew out the window!”
Do you remember
How many do you remember? = Start counting:
01. Candy cigarettes
02. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
03. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles.
04. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
05. Blackjack chewing gum
06. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers.
07. Party lines.
08. Newsreels before the movie.
09. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix .. (Drexel-5505)
12. Peashooters.
13. Howdy Doody
14. 78 RPM Records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi’s
17. Metal ice cube trays, with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flash Bulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Washtub wringers
Now add up your score…..
If you remembered 0 to 5, you’re still young
If you remembered 6 to 15, you are getting older.
If you remembered 16 to 25, you are older than dirt
Stuff for Jokes
26 reasons you know that you have grown up
a. Your potted plants stay alive.
b. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ‘dressed up’.
j. You’re the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
l. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
q. Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
THE LIFESAVER
Two elderly women are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One woman turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old woman asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
… After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
THE INTELLECTS
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sunset.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, “Have you read Marx?”
To which the professor of psychology replied, “Yes and I think it’s these pesky wicker chairs.”
OLD FREQUENCIES
“How often should I plan to have sex?” The young groom asked his grandfather on his wedding night. Grandpa said, “When you’re first married, you want it all the time maybe several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers and you have it maybe once a week or so. Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year. Maybe on your anniversary.”
“Well, how about you and grandma now?” the younger man asked. Grandpa replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.” What’s oral sex?” “Well,” said Grandpa, “She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, “FUCK YOU,” and I holler back, “FUCK YOU, TOO.
A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
walkers and handrails and new dental fittin’s
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
when the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food and no food with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinning’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning’,
As we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
THEN I REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I’VE HAD,
AND THEN I DON’T FEEL SOOOOO BAAAAD.
DEAD TED
Two elderly women meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.
“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”
“Oh, dear! I’m so very sorry,” replied her friend, “What did you do?”
“Opened a can of peas instead.”
AS I AGE:
When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less, I needn’t hold my tummy in to wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older, I’ve set my body free; There’s the comfort of elastic Where once my waist would be.
The inventor of those high-heeled shoes My feet have not forgiven; have to wear a nine now, But used to wear a seven.
And how about those pantyhoseThey’re sized by weight, you see, So how come when I put them on, The crotch is at my knees?
I need to wear these glasses As the prints were getting smaller, and it wasn’t very long ago I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to silver and my skin no longer fits, On the inside, I’m the same old me, Just the outside’s changed a bit.
I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE TIME WHEN…
Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo.”
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming “do-over!” “Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in “Monopoly.”
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best” friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn’t matter.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was “cooties”.
It was magic when dad would “remove” his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn’t an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the “big people” rides at the amusement park.
A foot of snow was a dream comes true. Abilities were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare.”
Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
“Oly-oly-oxen-all-in-free” made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!
GAMES FOR WHEN YOU ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You’re it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear.
4. Kick the Bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over.
6. Doc, Doc Goose.
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent.
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners
AN UPDATE TO DR. SUESS
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My body’s drooping
Have trouble pooping
How did it get so late so soon?
It’s night before it’s afternoon.
December is here before it’s June.
My goodness how the time has flewn.
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass.
ANNUAL PHYSICAL
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?”
George replied, “God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom poof the light goes on, when I’m done poof the light goes off.”
“Wow!” commented Dr. Smith, “That’s incredible!”
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife. “Ethel,” he said, “George is doing fine. Physically he’s great. But, I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through poof the light goes off?”
Ethel exclaimed, “Oh, my God! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
STANDARDS
Little old lady is sitting on a bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?”
He replies, “I used to live here years ago.”
“So, where were you all these years?”
“In prison,” he says.
“For what did they put you in prison?”
He looks at her, and very quietly says, “I killed my wife.”
“Oh,” says the woman. “So you’re single…”
GRANNY
Granny was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her parlor.
He took a seat while she prepared some tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock, surprise, and, curiosity! Surely, Miss Granny had flipped! But he felt he couldn’t mention the strange sight in her parlor.
“When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the floating item, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
“Miss Granny” he said while pointing to the bowl, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?”
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease! And you know…I haven’t had a cold all winter.”
OLD IS WHEN
….. Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”
OLD IS WHEN….. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
OLD IS WHEN….. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
OLD IS WHEN….. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
OLD IS WHEN….. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
OLD IS WHEN…… When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
OLD IS WHEN….. “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
OLD IS WHEN….. “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
OLD IS WHEN…… An “all nighter” means not getting up to pee!
EMPTY HANDED
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.
After waiting in line for a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.
The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”
So, he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”
Subject: Don’t Laugh Too Hard
Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen’s home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”
She asks “What?”
He replies “SEX!!!”.
Annabel exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!”
“I know”, Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while”.
“Well, I can oblige”, says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard’s manhood.
Then, one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the home until she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard’s manhood!
Furious, Annabel yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don’t have?!?”
Howard smiled and replied……………”Parkinson’s”
Ahh…the perks of being over 50…
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
9. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
10. You get into a heated argument about pension claims.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with the elevator music.
15. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
20. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
The world was made round so that we would never be able to see too far down the road.
Nothing beats a funny joke. We hope you enjoyed our best senior jokes book and shared it with your friends and family. We are always expanding our joke inventory, so keep coming back for more and more laughs!
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