The Best New Jokes Every Week!
THIS WEEK, JOKES [ALMOST] ALL ABOUT SEX
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, “Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want.”
The first nun says, “I want-a to be Sophia Loren.” And <poof!> she’s gone. The second says, “I want-a to be Madonna.” And <poof!> she’s gone. The third says, “I want-a to be Sara Pipalini.” St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says. “Sara Pipalini,” replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The nun takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads it and starts to chuckle. Handing it back to her, he says, “No, Sister, this says ‘Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in seven days.'”
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, Doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.” “My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.” “The problem is…” she complained, “It wakes me up!”
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, “How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?” She glanced at him casually and replied, “You’re never home!”
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
It was George the mailman’s last day on the job after 30 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.”All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors, green, red, orange, blue, yellow. The old man just stared. The young man said, “What’s the matter, Old Timer, never done anything WILD IN YOUR LIFE? The old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow
UNION SEX (OR WHY FLORIDA IS A “RIGHT TO WORK” STATE)
A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, “Is this a union house?”
“No,” she replied, “I’m sorry it isn’t.”
“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.”
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam responded,
“Why yes sir, this IS a union house.”
The man asked, “And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?” “The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”
“That’s more like it!” the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. “I’d like her for the night.”
“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the madam, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving or a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled up to a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it’s terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed, she explained, and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said, “we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?”
“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry buddy, I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
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