BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED
You know you are a senior when you bend over to tie your shoe and you look around to see if there’s anything you can do while your down there.
THE BEAR HUNT
Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, “That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.” After considering it briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, “That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.” Again, Frank thought it was better to co-operate.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, “Admit it Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”
Q. What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A. A Baboom!
The traveling salesman stops for dinner in Madrid. He sees the guy at the next table having huge meatballs and pasta. He tells his wait he wants the same.
The waiter explains that each time they have a bullfight and they kill a bull, the best parts of the bull are brought to the restaurant and served as a specialty, but this night they are out of that dish.
The waiter tells him to stop by another week, which he does.
The salesman sits down and sees a platter of pasta served to the guy at the next table with very, very small, by comparison, meatballs. The salesman reminds the waiter of his expectations of a delicious dinner but comments that the dish he just saw is far short of what he had seen the week before.
The waiter replies, “Sometimes the bull wins.”
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. ~ Ernest Hemingway
THIS WEEK’S CLASSIC
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but don’t want to offend you,” She answers, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When I have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!” “OK” the nun says “Pull into next alley” He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?” “Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”
Yesterday is the past and tomorrow is the future. Today is a gift – that’s why they call it the present!
WHEN DOES LIFE BEGIN?
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi were discussing when life begins.
“Those of my faith,” said the minister, “believe that life starts when the heart begins to beat.”
“We take a different view,” said the priest. “We believe life starts at the moment of conception.”
“Well,” said the rabbi, “it is our belief that life starts when the kids move out and the dog dies.”
Marriage changes passion… suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T HEARD IT
The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and asked, “Is that Jesus down there?”
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting at the end of the bar?”
The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, “Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God’s Boy down there?”
The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!”. The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t touch me! I’m drawing disability!”
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
WHAT WOMEN FIND ATTRACTIVE
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive differs depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance: if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features; if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his butt.
I got a sweater for Christmas… I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
The following were the winners of Philadelphia magazine’s contest, in which contestants were to take a well-known statement in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new statement.
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS – Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO – Lost in the mail.
IDIOS AMIGOS – We’re wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI – I came, I’m a very important person, I conquered.
COGITO EGGO SUM – I think; therefore I waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS – The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S’IL VOUS PLAID – Honk if you’re Scottish.
QUE SERA SERF – Life is feudal.
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI – The king is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM – Death styles of the rich and famous.
PRO BOZO PUBLICO – Support your local clown (or politician, your call)
MONAGE A TROIS – I am three years old.
FELIX NAVIDAD – Our cat has a boat.
HASTE CUISINE – Fast French food.
VENI, VIDI, VICE – I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO – Fast retort.
ALOHA OY – Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you would never know.
MAZEL TON – Tons of luck
VISA LA FRANCE – Don’t leave your chateau without it.
AMICUS PURIAE – Platonic friend.
L’ETAT, C’EST MOO – I’ll do any beefing around here!
COGITO, ERGO SPUD – I think, therefore I Yam.
VENI, VIDI, VELCRO – I came, I saw, I stuck around.
ICH BIT EIN BERLINER – He deserved it.
ZITGEIST – The Clearasil doesn’t quite cover it up.
E PLURIBUS ANUM – Out of any group, there’s always one asshole.
NOMO ARIGATO – No thanks to you
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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