Humor

Best New Jokes: November 8, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Don’t let your worries get to you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Stress Cartoon

THE MISSIONARY

A Catholic Priest was about to leave his mission in the jungles where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”

The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”

The Priest really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy s-xu-l activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, “Riding a bike.” The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, “My bike.”


The sole reason for a childs middle name is so he can tell when he is really in trouble.


GOING TO THE DOGS

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience

Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout…run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be Loyal. Never pretend to be something you’re not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.


Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.


CHINA SMILES

China: impressions of this fast-changing nation, probably the friendliest, safest, and most interesting place you’ll ever visit.


Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.


SHOPPING TRIP

Here’s a few suggestions to keep husbands occupied, while waiting for thei wives to finish shopping;

Get 24 boxes of condoms, randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren’t looking.

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: ‘Code 3 in Housewares’ . . and see what happens.

Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M’s on lay-away.

Move a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

Set-up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other shoppers you’re sleeping over; invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.

When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

While handling guns in the Hunting Department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

Hide in a clothing rack . . and when people browse through, say: “PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!”

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “NO!…It’s those voices again!!!”

Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while . . . then yell loudly: “There’s no toilet paper in here!”


The best thing about being 104 is there is no peer pressure.


FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

“You’ve got so many freckles, there’s no place to paint!” a girl in the line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. “I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child’s cheek.

“Freckles are beautiful!” The boy looked up, “Really?” “Of course,” said the grandmother. “Why, just name me one thing that’s prettier than freckles.”

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma’s face, and softly whispered, “Wrinkles.”


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


TRIPPIN’

There were three older southern ladies getting ready to take their first plane trip across the ocean.

The first lady said, “I don’t know bout y’all, but I’m gonna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.” “Why you gonna wear dem fo?” the other two asked. The first replied, “Cause, if dat plane goes down and I’m out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first”.

The second lady says, “Well, I’m a-gonna wear me some flooresant orange panties.” “Why you gonna wear dem ?” the others asked. The second lady answered: “Cause if dis hare plane is goin’ down and I’m floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.”

The third older southern lady says, “Well, I’m not gonna wear no panties…..”What? No panties?!” the others said in disbelief. “Dat’s right, you heard me, I’m not wearing no panties,” the third lady said, “cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for dat black box first.”


Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.


THE TOUR GUIDE

A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goats’ milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.

These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, “What do you do in America with your older goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours.”


You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.


WHAT ALL WOMEN KNOW

Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like Blenders. You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.

Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth,& they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like . Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say.

Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like Mascara. They run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.


Forbidden fruits create many jams.


FOR THE MARINES

A gorgeous young lady meets a Marine Gunnery Sergeant in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They go back to his place.

As he shows her around his apartment, she is struck by the fact that his bedroom is completely packed with literally hundreds of sweet, cuddly teddy bears which are neatly organized on three shelves running the length of the room along one wall. Small, adorable teddy bears fill the bottom shelf, cute cuddly medium-sized ones adorn the next higher shelf and Huge enormous bears are perched on the top shelf

The woman is quite surprised that a manly Marine Gunny would have such an extensive collection of teddy bears. Although she decides not to question him about it, she’s actually quite impressed by this unexpected evidence of his sensitive side!

After another drink, she turns to him, invitingly. They kiss softly… then again. Soon their passion overwhelms them, and she leads him quietly to the bedroom.

After spending an intense night of passion with the Marine, while they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman slowly rolls toward him and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it for you?”

Our ‘sensitive’ Marine, stifling back a slight yawn replies: “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”


Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.


JOB INTERVIEW 

A company was trying to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman’s back. What is the man’s name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one says “My answer is, there IS no answer.”

The second one says “My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.”

The third one says “I’m not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names: It’s either Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.”

He got the job!!!


I used to have a handle on life…but it broke off.


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

A man walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside.

Then the ‘gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed.

In Return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The Crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth.

The ‘gator closed his mouth and the crowd gasped !!

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle from the bar and rapped the Alligator hard on the top of its head. The ‘gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.

“I’ll pay anyone £100 who’s willing to give it a try !!”

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the back of the bar.

A blond Essex girl timidly spoke up: “I’ll try, but don’t hit me so hard on the head with that beer bottle


Peace starts with a smile.

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