Humor

Best New Jokes: November 22, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

A SMILE CAN BRING HAPPINESS TO ANYONE, EVEN IF THEY DON’T LIKE YOU.


NO WONDER I’M TIRED

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. Here’s why:

The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing the Taliban or Saddam’s troops, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And there you are sitting at your computer, reading jokes.


I AM NOW IN THE SNAPDRAGON YEARS. PART OF ME HAS LOST ITS SNAP, THE OTHER PART IS DRAGGIN’


GOLFERS ADDICTION

Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.”It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,” Ed said to his lady friend.. “I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s a problem, you’d better say so now.”

“Well, if we’re being honest with each other, here goes,” she replied. “I’m a hooker.”

“I see, Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”


CAN YOU CRY UNDER WATER?


WHEN I WAS YOUNG I WENT SKINNY DIPPING.
LATELY IT’S JUST CHUNKY DUNKING.


MEN OF THE OLD SOD

Two Irishmen, Pat and Mike were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boats provisions, Pat stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Pat blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Mike looked disgustedly at Pat. “Nice going Pat. Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.“


YOU KNOW THE HONEYMOON IS OVER WHEN HE STARTS TO GO OUT WITH THE GUYS ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT, AND SO DOES SHE.


WAR IS HELL

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration Mohammed Omar warned the United States that, if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America’s supply of convenience store managers.

If this dire action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next. It’s getting really ugly.


OPINIONS ARE LIKE CHILDREN. NOBODY WANTS YOURS.


VERY SAFE SEX

A man walked into a drug store with his 13-year old son.  As they pass the condom display, and the boy asked, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man replied, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”  

“Oh I see,” replied the boy. “I’ve heard about condoms in health class at school.”  

He picked up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”  

His Dad replied, “Those are for high school boys.  One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”  

Cool!” said the boy. He noticed a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”  

“Those are for college boys.” the dad answered, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”  

“WOW!”  exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asked, picking up a 12 pack.  

With a sigh,the dad replied, “Those are for married men.   One for January, one for February, one for March..”


I BELIEVE IN THE INALIENABLE RIGHT TO ALIENATE.


WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH TO SEND THE VERY BEST

The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store

Card 1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
(Inside card)And now that you’ve come into my life, I’ve changed my mind.

Card 2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
(Inside card) I never believed in Hell until I met you.

Card 3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am
(Inside card) -That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

Card 4. Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Inside card) -Too bad no one likes your husband.

Card 5. Someday I hope to marry
(Inside card) -Someone other than you.

Card 6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age.
(Inside card) -Almost lifelike!

Card 7. When we were together, you said you’d die for me.
(Inside card) -Now we’ve broken up, I think it’s time to keep your promise.

Card 8. We’ve been friends for a very long time.
(Inside card) -What do you say we stop?

Card 9. I’m so miserable without you.
(Inside card) It’s almost like you’re still here.

Card 10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
(Inside card) Did you ever figure out who the father is?

Card 11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.
(Inside card) I’d miss you terribly and think of you often.

Card 12. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia)

Card 13. Looking back over the years we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder
(Inside card) -What was I thinking?


YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES. YOU CAN STAY SINGLE AND BE MISERABLE, OR GET MARRIED AND WISH YOU WERE DEAD.


THOSE THRIFTY SCOTS

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction. “$85 for an extraction sir” was the dentists reply.

“Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper.” replies the Scotsman getting agitated. “But that’s the normal charge for an extraction sir,” said the dentist.         

“What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?” asked the Scotsman hopefully. “Well it’s highly unusual sir, but if that’s what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70,“ said the dentist.                 

“Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi’oot anaesthetic?” said the Scotsman. “Well it’s possible but they are only training and I can’t guarantee their level of professionalism and it’ll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40,” said the dentist.               

“Och that’s still a bit much, how aboot if ye make it a training session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin and learnin,” said the Scotsman hopefully.  

“Hmmmmm, well OK it’ll be good for the students I suppose, I’ll charge you only $5 in that case,” said the dentist.  

“Wonderful, it’s a deal” said the Scotsman. “Can ye book the wife in for next Tuesday?”


THERE ARE TWO TIMES WHEN A MAN DOESN’T UNDERSTAND A WOMAN. BEFORE MARRIAGE AND AFTER.


BUT CAN YOU DANCE?

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'”

As far as I’m concerned,” the drunk replied, “any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”


WHEN YOU LOSE , DON’T LOSE THE LESSON.


HOW TO READ THE PERSONAL ADS IN WOMEN’S MAGAZINES

40-ish…….50-ish
Adventurous…… Slept with everyone
Athletic……. No tits
Average looking……. Ugly
Beautiful…….. Pathological liar
Contagious Smile…….Takes a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure…… On medication
Feminist……. Fat
Free spirit…….Junkie
Friendship first……Former slut
Fun…….Annoying New-Age
Open-minded……Desperate
Outgoing…….. Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate……. Sloppy drunk
Professional…….Bitch
Voluptuous……Very Fat
Large frame…… Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate…… Stalker


I’M STILL HOT. IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES NOW.


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

She was Soooooooo Blonde…..

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

At the bottom of an application where it says “Sign here:” she wrote “Sagittarius.”   

She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “Concentrate.”

She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.   

She studied for a blood test.

She sold the car for gas money.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” she turned around and went home.   

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