Humor

Best New Jokes: November 19, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF:

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your wife.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel’s makes your list of “most admired people.”
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying “Hey watch this.”
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting the old lady drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.


THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”

She says “No, I’m really a blonde”.

“I thought so,” he says. “You have a broken finger.”


WOMAN’S RANDOM THOUGHTS

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free . .you either married it or gave birth to it.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because, by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, “You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?


“I DIDN’T DO IT!”

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She smiled and answered, “You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”


SEX, AND THE FAMILY FINANCES

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it’s effects on a 50 year old executive.

Non pulsed she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local hospital. Pointing to fine structure she informed him that he owned the land it was built on and that they paid him $6000 per month rent.

She handed him a bankbook showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex , and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the seemingly disappointment at such good news and he replied, “If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!”


FINALLY! — A BLONDE GUY JOKE!

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten bastard,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

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