Humor

Best New Jokes: November 15, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

SPECIAL CHURCH ISSUE

PARKING VS. TRESPASSING

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”


People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.


THE FAMILY THAT KEEPS TOGETHER, SLEEPS…

Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews and in fact they really only went to Temple once a year.

As they were leaving the Temple, the Rabbi said, “Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!”

“I know,” replied Bernie, “but at least we keep the Ten Commandments.”

“That’s great,” the Rabbi said. “I’m glad to hear that you keep the Commandments.”

“Yep,” Bernie said proudly, “Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four.”


Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.


DEAR GOD, MAYBE CAIN AND ABEL WOULD NOT KILL EACH OTHER SO MUCH IF THEY EACH HAD THEIR OWN ROOM.  IT WORKS OUT OKAY FOR ME AND MY BROTHER. JAY .


SELLING BIBLES

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The pastor knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles, but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly, but, not wanting to discourage him, the pastor decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of each car stacked with Bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday, which they did.

Eager to find out how successful they were, the pastor immediately asked Peter, “Well, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?”

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Reverend, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here’s the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.”

“Fine job, Peter!” The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you.”

Turning to Paul, he asked, “And Paul, how many Bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?”

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, “Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s the $280 I collected.”

The reverend responded, “That’s absolutely splendid, Paul.

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, “And, Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?”

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. “What is this?” he exclaimed. “Louie, there’s $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?”

Louie just nodded.

That’s impossible!” both Peter and Paul said in unison. “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could!”

“Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the reverend agreed. “I think you’d better explain how you managed to do this, Louie.”

Louie shrugged. “I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,” he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door! “

“A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks —o-o-o-or— wo-wo-would y-y-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m- me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?”


DEAR GOD, THANK YOU FOR MY BABY BROTHER, BUT I ASKED FOR A PUPPY.  I NEVER ASKED FOR ANYTHING BEFORE.  LOOK IT UP. BECKY


AHH, THE AMISH

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”


DEAR GOD, DO YOU DRAW THE LINES AROUND THE COUNTRIES?
IF YOU DON’T .. WHO DOES? LOVE, NATHAN


WAITIN’

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”


DEAR GOD, I’LL BET IT’S VERY HARD FOR YOU TO LOVE EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD.  THERE ARE ONLY FOUR PEOPLE IN OUR FAMILY AND I CAN NEVER DO IT. RONNIE


HOW TO GET AHEAD IN CHURCH

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!


DEAR GOD, I LIKE THE STORY ABOUT NOAH THE BEST OF ALL OF THEM.  YOU REALLY MADE UP SOME GOOD ONES.  I LIKE THE ONE ABOUT WALKING ON WATER TOO. GLENN


OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.

“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.

“You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven… “


DEAR GOD, I DO NOT THINK ANYONE COULD BE A BETTER GOD THAN YOU.  WELL, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM NOT JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY GOD.  MAYA


THE POPE AND THE RABBI

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a “silent” debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute then … the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue.”

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. “What happened?” they asked.

“Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we’re staying right here.”

“And then what,” asked a woman. “Who knows?” said Moishe, “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.”


DEAR GOD, IS IT TRUE THAT MY FATHER WON’T GET INTO HEAVEN IF HE USES HIS GOLF WORDS IN THE HOUSE ?  DIANA


WAS JESUS BLACK? 

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:

  1. He called everyone “brother”
  2. He liked Gospel
  3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

  1. He went into His Fathers business.
  2. He lived at home until he was 33.
  3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:

  1. He talked with his hands.
  2. He had wine with every meal.
  3. 3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian:

  1. He never cut his hair.
  2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
  3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:

  1. He never got married.
  2. He was always telling stories.
  3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:

  1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.
  2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
  3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

Amen


DEAR GOD, IN BIBLE TIMES, DID THEY REALLY TALK THAT FANCY? DEBBIE


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

Homer, a handsome dude, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looks at Homer and says, “Do you think he will jump?”

Homer says, “You know, I bet he’ll jump” The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer and said, “All is fair. Here is your money.”

Homer replies, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”

The blonde replies, “I did too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.

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