Humor

Best New Jokes: November 13, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

IN HONOR OF OUR UPCOMING ELECTIONS

7 SIGNS YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE IS UNDER-QUALIFIED

7. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.

6. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen’s character on “The
West Wing.”

5. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is “That Bob Vila guy.”

4. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, “The state or the DC thingie?”

3. At debates, answers every question with a snarled, “You wanna
wrestle?!?”

2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, “I
win!”

1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to “use a
lifeline”.


DICKS

Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and
Bill Clinton?

A: Washington couldn’t tell a lie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth, and
Clinton can’t tell the difference!


DOCTORS COMPARING NOTES

An Israeli doctor said, “Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can
take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor said, “That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in
four weeks.”

A Russian doctor said, “In my country medicine is so advanced, we can
take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both
looking for work in two weeks.”

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, “Ha! We are about to take
an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country
will be looking for work the next day!”


GEORGE W

George W. Bush was asked if he knew what Roe versus Wade was.

He said that he reckoned it was the decision that George Washington
needed to make when he planned to cross the Delaware.


THE CLINTON WHITE HOUSE

Q: What does Bill Clinton tell his wife after sex?

A: “I’ll be home in twenty minutes.”
Subject: Crossing The Jordan !


CROSSING THE JORDAN

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, “Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River.”

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, “Don’t worry. You will only sink proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water.”

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River. Finally George W. volunteered to go first.

Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking that all of his sins are coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river’s bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, “I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!”

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, “I’m standing on Clinton’s shoulders!”


DR. SEUSS AND BILL CLINTON

If Dr. Seuss had been President Clinton’s lawyer, his deposition might have read something like this:

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think I did, youve been misled

I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone

I did not cause her dress to stain
While talking to Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I did not fondle Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I would not, could not, with my wife


INFORMATION YOU NEED TO MAKE THE CORRECT POLITICAL DECISION

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or
purple.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear
pants.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane
crashes.

Shakespeare invented the word “assassination” and “bump.”

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to
right or right to left.

A snail can sleep for 3 years.

Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other
people in the world.

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