Humor

Best New Jokes: March 9, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

TAKE ME TO YOUR EATER

Two aliens land next to a gas station in metropolitan Detroit. They waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is a gas pump. Intending to make contact and immediately establish their superiority, the aliens approach the pump and the first one says, “Earthling, take me to your leader.”

Of course, he gets no response. So he tosses a meaningful look to his buddy, then addresses the pump again, “Earthling, I said take me to your leader.” Of course, he still gets no response. So, the alien turns to his buddy and says “If this Earthling doesn’t show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I’m going to blast him.”

At that, the second alien replies, “OK. Do what you have to do, but I’m just going to stand down there on the next block.”

The first alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the second alien to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time.

“Earthling, I said take me to your leader.” Still nothing. Angry and insulted, the alien pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump.

The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the first alien all the way to the next block and dropping him to the sidewalk beside his buddy.

He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second alien. “If you knew that was going to happen, why didn’t you warn me?” he asks.

The second alien replies, “Well, I didn’t exactly KNOW what was going t happen. But there’s no way I’m gonna mess with a guy whose penis hangs to the ground, wraps twice around his body, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear.”


A WIFE’S DUTY

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought he was already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookies was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withering hand, trembling on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table . . . suddenly was smacked with a spatula by his wife.

She said, “They’re for the funeral.”


SIGNS

Sign over a radiator shop: (A-1 Radiator) “Best Place in Town to take a Leak”

Sign over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

On a taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

In a podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”


CAN’T STOP KICKING BILL

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30thanniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under the bed.

However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.”

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

Bill answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.


CAN’T STOP KICKING GEORGE

Clinton, Gore, and President George Bush are captured by terrorists, and sentenced to die by firing squad. They take Clinton up to the wall, and line up to shoot him. The commander yells, “Ready!…. Aim!….”

At this point, Clinton points behind them and cries, “Look, a hurricane!” They all turn to look, and he runs away.

Disgruntled, they drag Gore to the wall. Once again, the commander yells, “Ready!….Aim….”

Gore points behind them, and yells, “Look! A Tornado!” Sure enough, they turn and look, and he escapes.

Furious, they push George Bush up against the wall. Bush thinks to himself,”Hey, this is easy…all I have to do is yell out a natural disaster, they’ll turn to look, and I’ll run away” The commander yells, “Ready!….Aim!….

Bush cries out, “Fire! Fire!”


WASHINGTON POST VOCABULARY CONTEST

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternative meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

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