Humor

Best New Jokes: March 5, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

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SHOPPING TRIP

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other four. The
nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the
register for checkout.

The cashier asks, “Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh?”

The nine-year-old shakes his head and replies, “Nope, not for my Mom.”

The cashier tries again. “Well, they must be for your sister then?”

Nine-year-old: “Nope, not for my sister either.”

The cashier is really curious now. “If they’re not for your Mom and not for
your sister, who are they for?”

The nine-year-old says, “They’re for my four-year old brother.”

Surprised, the cashier asks, “Your little brother right here??”

The nine-year-old explains, “Well, yeah! T hey say on TV if you wear one of>
these, you can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother can’t do either!”


A DIFFERENT DRUMMER

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just
heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-90. Please be
careful!”

“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one… It’s hundreds of them.


MORE SENIOR CITIZEN TRASHING

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old
lady turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?”

The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”

The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”

The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”


STILL THINK YOU HAVE BAD DAYS? [COULD THIS REALLY HAPPEN?]

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it
accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars,
was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle
dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her
husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to
him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned
the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down
the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her
husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the
wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Since gas was spilled
on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the petrol, and
threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come
home.

Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage
done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down
on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he
flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband
screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the
floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the
buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same
paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The
paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to
the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street,
accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the
husband had burned himself.

She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them
slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the
remaining stairs and broke his arm.


FIRST AID

Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from
their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking
quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who
had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough and choke. After a minute or so
it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to
look at her.

“Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head, No.

“Kin ya breathe?” asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue,
shakes her head no again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks
down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up
to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the
obstruction flies out of her mouth and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.

His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but
I ain’t never seen anybody do it before.”


A SIMPLE OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the
smaller your balls become.


IF MEN RULED THE WORLD

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call
to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to
“I love you”.

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a “Nice
hustle, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of
your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car
like Fred Flintstone.

It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets,
and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public
ugliness” ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps”.

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be
with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap
years. (Wouldn’t help– you STILL wouldn’t remember!)

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off. Mother’s
Day, too.

St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be
celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast “live”, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football
from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned
it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with
would actually reduce your fine. Eg, Cop: “You know how fast you were
going?” You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

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