Humor

Best New Jokes: March 27, 2005

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

WARNING: Contains the World’s Corniest Easter Q and A

WISHING YOU EASTER BLESSINGS

EGGSACTLY!

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s here?”

“I know!” a little boy exclaimed. “Pantyhose!”


Q; Why do we paint Easter eggs?
A: Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them.


THOUGHTS ON EASTER MORN

My face in the mirror
Isn’t wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn’t dirty,
The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.

I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.


Q: How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs?
A: He hires Santa’s elves during the offseason.


THE DAY BEFORE EASTER

T‘was the day before Easter and all through the woods,
The bunnies were busy packing their goods.
The eggs were all colored so pretty and bright,
All things were “go” for the big, special night.

The baskets were waiting, all decorated with care,
In hopes that the Bunny soon would be there.
My little brother Sam was asleep in his bed,
While visions of Easter eggs rolled round his head.

And I in my pajamas with the cat on my lap,
I had just settled down for a quick little nap.
When outside the window I heard a great noise,
I sprang from my chair and jumped over some toys.

As quick as a flash to the window I flew,
I pulled up the shade and , OH, what a view.
The moon on the meadow cast a bright golden glow
And the wind blew the flowers to and then fro.

Then all of a sudden from out of nowhere,
Came some lively bunnies, hopping here, hopping there!
Leading the group with ears long and funny
Was a plump , all-white rabbit
That’s right, the EASTER BUNNY!

The bunnies hopped past, one, two , three, four,
The rabbit called out and then there were more.
“Come, Peter!, Come, Flopsy!, Come, Benny!, Come, Joe!
Now hop along! Hop along! Hop along! GO!”

So up on each doorstep the bunnies did hop,
With baskets of eggs. (Let’s hope they don’t drop)
Just at that moment, on the porch down below,
Came the stomping of feet ‘Twas the rabbit I know!

As I stepped from my window I heard a loud sound.
Through the door came the rabbit with a leap and a bound.
He was furry and soft from his head to his feet.
To see him so close was really quite neat.

He was surrounded by eggs that had been carefully dyed.
Easter eggs galore he soon would hide.
His eyes were all twinkles, His nose was so pink,
And I can’t be too sure but I think he did wink.

He had a kind face and a big fluffy tail
That bobbed up and down like a boat with a sail.
A twitch of his nose and a flick of his ear
Was his way of saying “You’ve nothing to fear.”

He uttered no sound as he hopped all about,
Hiding the eggs and leaving no doubt.
That the Easter bunny had come like he does every year…
Bringing baskets of happiness to children so dear.


Q: What would you get if you crossed the
Easter Bunny with Chinese food?
A: Hop suey.


I WANNA A WABBIT

A precocious little girl missing two front teerh, walks into a pet shop and says to the shopkeeper, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you have widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a quiet voice, “You know, mithter, I don’t think my python will weally give a thyit.”


EASTER MIRACLE

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, “What in heaven’s name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said: “Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.“


Q: Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor?
A: Rabbit De Niro.


DATING SERVICE

Dorothy and Edna are having a chat.

Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for brunch next Sunday. I know you went out with him on Easter, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 11 am, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me a beautiful Easter Lily.”

“Then, he took me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out for brunch, hot cross buns, colored eggs flambe, Easter ham, champagne, dessert. Then we went to see the Easter Parade.

“Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then, we came back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two times!”

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”

Edna: “OF course you should. I’m just saying, don’t wear your new Easter outfit.”


Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
A: He’d just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.


WELL WORTH REMEMBERING

The hour is lost.
Was ever hour so sweet?
Fruitful of blessing,
friends and honeyed words

The sunlight in our faces,
at our feet
The world, bright, beautiful,
its flocks and herds,
Foliage of forests,
choruses of birds.
O happy time,
why did we stand downcast?
We should have leapt for love:
but now, the hour is past.

The hour is lost.
Scarce had we time to mark
The glory of the green,
the sky’s soft blue;
It came as silently
as comes the dark,
Our hearts burned
hot within us ere we knew.
Then suddenly we said,
Can it be true
This golden time was ours?
And now downcast
We stand dumb and amazed.
Alas! the hour is past.

J. Shaw Neilson

This Australian poet was nearly blind and scraped a living
clearing bush land and mending roads.


Q: How do you catch the Easter Bunny?
A: Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot.


THE CONFESSIONAL

It was Good Friday, Easter was just three days away, and she hadn’t been to confession in several years.

Upon entering the confessional she said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”

The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”

The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”

The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”

The Priest said “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face in time for Easter Mass.”


Q: Why did the rabbit cross the road?
A: Because it was the chicken’s day off.


TRULY BEAUTIFUL

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, were spending Easter Sunday at the zoo.

Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

“You’ve got so many freckles, there’s no place to paint!” a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.

His grandmother knelt down next to him “I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child’s cheek. “Freckles are beautiful!”

The boy looked up, “Really?”

“Of course,” said the grandmother. “Why, just name me one thing that’s prettier than freckles.”

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma’s face, and softly whispered, “Wrinkles.”


Q: What’s pink, has five toes, and is carried by the Easter Bunny?
A: His lucky people’s foot.


EASTER MAKEOVER REALITY

Duckling Cartoon

NOTE: Practice these suggestions and be the most beautiful person in the Easter Parade

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your hands

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others


Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A: A receding hareline.


THIS WEEK’S BEST EASTER BLONDE JOKE

Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.

The question posed by St. Peter is – “What is Easter”?

The first blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful.”

“Wrong! You are not welcome here, I’m afraid. You must go to the other place!” replies St. Peter. Then he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question – “What is Easter?”

The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust, and tells her she’s wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “Do YOU know what Easter is?”

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”

“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.

“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight

Then the third blonde continues “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!”

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