Humor

Best New Jokes: March 26, 2012

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


A BLONDE EASTER

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?”

The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful…”

“Wrong!” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, “What is Easter?”

The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “What is Easter?”

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”

“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.

“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”


She was so blonde that:

…she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.



TO THE MOON

Susi and Sara, (both blondes) were sitting on a bench talking.

Sara says to Susi, “Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?”

Susi laughs and says “Come on. Can you see Florida?”


She was so blond that:

she thought a quarterback was a refund.



MEANWHILE, AT THE BAR

Joe walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the ‘gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll be unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth.

The ‘gator closed his mouth and the crowd gasped !!

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle from the bar and rapped the Alligator hard on the top of its head. The ‘gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

Joe stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try !!”

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up at the back of the bar. A blond girl timidly spoke up: “I’ll try, but don’t hit me so hard on the head with that beer bottle!”


She was so blonde that:

…she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.



DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS

Betty, a West Texas cowboy’s blond wife came home just in time to find her husband, Sam, in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

Betty put Sam’s genitals in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up an old carpenter’s saw.

Sam was terrified, and hollered, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?”

Betty, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in Sam’s hand and said, “Nope. I’m going to set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want.”


She was so blond that:

…she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.



OLD AND FOXY BLONDE

Maude (a former blonde) and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other’s company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening.

They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, Claude was still a charmer.

Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the afterglow of the magic moments they’d shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: “If I’d known she was a virgin, I’d have been more gentle.

Maude was thinking: “If I’d known he could still do it, I’d have taken off my pantyhose.”


She was so blonde that:

…under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”



HARDWARE

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his blond wife, Mary Louise, to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.

Joe Bob replied, “That’s silver and it costs $100!”

“My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!” Mary Louise exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Joe Bob yelled, “Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?”

To which Mary Louise replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”


She was so blonde that:

…at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here,” she put
Sagittarius.


BLONDE Q & A

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.


She was so blonde that:

…she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.


A BLONDE TRIFECTA

WIN

CAR ACCIDENT

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blondee is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”


She was so blonde that:

…she tripped over a cordless phone.


PLACE

AT THE APPLIANCE STORE

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman “I would like to buy this TV.” “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. “I would like to buy this TV.”

Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.


She was so blonde that:

…she sold the car for gas money.


SHOW

THE BLONDE COWBOY

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond
haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat,his gun
and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks ‘Why in the world are you walking around
like this?’

The cowboy says, ‘Well it’s like this Sheriff ….

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to
go to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her
top and asks me to pull off my shirt…

So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants…
So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my
shorts…so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, ‘Now go to
town cowboy! ‘

‘And here I am.’

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist


She was so blonde that:

…it takes her two hours to watch “60 Minutes.”

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