Humor

Best New Jokes: March 16, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

GOOD DOGGIE

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day.They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume oftraffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into thethick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and hornsblaring as panicked drivers try separately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near-fatal incident, can’t control his amazement and says to the blind man, “Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!”

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, “To find out where his head is so I can kick his ass!”


COWBOYS AND INDIANS

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”

Indian: “Dog no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?” Dog: “Doin’ all right.”

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” (pointing at the Indian)

Dog: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me
to the lake once a week to play.”

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Indian: “Horse no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool.

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing to the Indian)

Horse: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often,
and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements.”

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Indian: “Sheep lie.”


MORE GREAT COMMERCIAL SLOGANS

On a Plumbers truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

At a towing company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
you’ve come to the right place.”

In a podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

On a fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company: “We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”


WISHES

There was once a forest with a small pond in the center. The forest was so big and dense, however, that the small frog that lived in the pond had never seen another living creature.

One day, a rabbit and a bear got lost in the forest and accidentally found the pond. The frog was so happy to finally see another living creature, that he told them that it was a magic pond and he would grant them each 3 wishes.

The bear thought to himself a moment, and being the young male bear that he was, he said, “Frog, I wish for all the bears in the forest, except for me, to be female.”

The frog croaked and all the bears in the forest except for
him became female.

The rabbit said, “Frog, I wish for a helmet.” Again the frog croaked, and a helmet appeared on the rabbit’s head.

The bear looked at the rabbit and thought to himself, “What a stupid wish!

She could have wished for anything, and instead she wishes for a helmet.” Shaking his head, the bear suddenly got an idea, and he said, “Frog, for my second wish, I wish for all the bears in the neighboring forest as well, except for me, of course, to be female.” The frog croaked, and so all the bears in the neighboring forest turned female as well.

The rabbit promptly said, “I wish for a motorcycle,” and a small motorcycle appeared next to the her.

The bear looked at the rabbit more puzzled than ever. He thought to himself, “What a stupid rabbit! She could have just wished for money and bought those things!” The bear then turned to the frog and declared, “Frog, I have decided on my final wish! For my last wish, I wish for all the bears in the world, except for myself, to be female.” So all the bears in the world,except for that one bear, turned female.

The rabbit tightened her helmet, got on the motorcycle, revved it up and said, “Frog, for my final wish, I wish for the bear to be gay.”


WISH I HAD SAID THAT

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.”
— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
— Mariah Carey

“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.”
— Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show, August 22

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.”
— Former French President Charles De Gaulle

“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.”
— John Wayne

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
— Former US Vice-president Dan Quayle

“Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.”
— General William Westmoreland

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
— Former US Vice-president Dan Quayle

“It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.”
–George W. Bush, US President

“I have opinions of my own -strong opinions- but I don’t always agree with them.”
–George W, Bush, US President

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
–Lee Iacocca

“We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover.”
–Parish Magazine

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
–Dan Quayle

“The road of good intentions is paved with Hell.”
–Spencer Ante

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”
–Keppel Enderbery

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn’t study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”
–Dan Quayle

“It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago…”
–Dan Quayle

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”
–Dan Quayle

“Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.”
–Warning label on Batman costume


THE LOVING WIFE

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”

“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

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