Humor

Best New Jokes: March 15, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

SPECIAL CHURCH EDITION

OLDIE, BUT GOODIE

A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

“If you’re wondering what’s in the bag,” offers the woman, “it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.” 

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, “Good trade.”


ONCE A BAPTIST, ALWAYS A BAPTIST

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn’t take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, “You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic.”

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year’s Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John’s yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.”


I’ve learned…. That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.


A Tip of the Hat To a Proud American Tradition

Wearing that 1957 hat made me feel like an adult for the first time in my life. It told the world that I was now a man of substance, someone not to be trifled with.


I’ve learned…. That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.


THE MAGIC COW

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.

Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, “Don’t sell that cow.”


I’ve learned…. That the Lord didn’t do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?


THE 3 RELIGIOUS TRUTHS (REPETITION IS GOOD FOR YOU!)

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters


I’ve learned…. That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.


LITTLE LEROY WANTS A BIKE

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.

She said, “Well, Leroy, it isn’t Christmas and we don’t have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don’t you write to Jesus and pray for one instead.”

After his tantrum, his mother sent him to his room. Then, he finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus:

Dear Jesus, I’ve been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Leroy

Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try:

Dear Jesus, I’ve been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasn’t totally honest so he tore it up and tried again:

Dear Jesus, I’ve thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.

Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at the statue in the foyer.

All of a sudden he grabbed it and ran out of the church. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter:

Jesus, I got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. You Know Who


I’ve learned…. That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.


SINGING IN CHURCH

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out “CROSS.” Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, “THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.”

The pastor hollered out “GRACE.” The congregation began to sing “AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.”

The pastor said “POWER.” The congregation sang “THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD”.

The Pastor said “SEX!” The congregation fell in total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing “PRECIOUS MEMORIES.”


I’ve learned… That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.


WHY GOD INVENTED MENOPAUSE

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one asked.

“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet,” said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet,” replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when CAN we see the baby?”

“WHEN IT CRIES!” she told them.

“WHEN IT CRIES??” they demanded. “Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??”

“BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it…”


I’ve learned…. That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.

“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.

“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”

“No, Silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”

“So then?” asked the doctor.

“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”

“So then?”

“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”


I’ve learned…. That love, not time, heals all wounds.


THE BIBLE SALESMAN

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles..
 
Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.  So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
 
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
 
The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie.  Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.  Poor little Louis stuttered very badly..  But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.
 
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday which they did.
 
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, “Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?”
 
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church.”
 
“Fine job, Peter!” The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand.  “You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.”
 
Turning to Paul, he asked “And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?”
 
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, “Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise.  Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s 280 dollars I collected.”
 
The reverend responded, “That’s absolutely splendid, Paul.  You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you.”
 
Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, “And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?”
 
Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope.  The reverend opened it and counted the contents..  “What is this?” the reverend exclaimed.
“Louie, there’s 3200 dollars in here!  Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
 
Louie just nodded.
 
That’s impossible!” both Peter and Paul said in unison.  “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.”
 
“Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the reverend agreed.  “I think you’d better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie.”
 
Louie shrugged.  “I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,” he stammered.
 
Impatiently, Peter interrupted.  “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!”
 
“A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks —o-o-o-or— wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?”
 


I’ve learned…. That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.


AH, THE IRISH

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”

The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”

The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”

The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”

The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”

The first guy says, “Faith it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”

The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I.

Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.”

The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a drink. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”


I’ve learned…. That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

TAGS

About

This top-ranked site now has over 4,000 pages of humor, nostalgia, senior advocacy and useful information for seniors 50+. Updates weekly!

The daily e-zine for everyone over 50 who feels way too young to be old.

"...the perfect mix of Andy Rooney, Dave Barry, and Garrison Keilor, combining knee-slapping humor with useful information and genuine compassion."

Retired.com

"Thousands look to and trust Suddenly Senior. Other Websites pale in comparison to the real-life, intimate look into senior lives. What sets apart Suddenly Senior is its blistering honesty and its incomparable encouragement. Millions need guidance."

Suzette Martinez Standring

"Best Senior Site ever on the Web! Great, up-to-date information on how seniors can save money on drugs. Wonderful nostalgia. Hard-hitting senior advocacy pieces that get read in high places. Wonderful humor. It's all at Suddenly Senior."

Alexa.com

KUDOS

Now read by 3.1 million in 83 newspapers from Florida's St. Petersburg Times to the Mumbai, India News.