BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED
CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
A man found a bottle on the beach, and when he opened it, out popped a genie, and he was granted three wishes. He wished for a million dollars, and “POOF” there was a million dollars.
Then he wished for a convertible, and “POOF” there was a convertible.
And then, he wished he could be irresistible to all women….
He turned into a box of chocolates!
Old age is when former classmates
are so gray and wrinkled and bald,
they don’t recognize you.
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.
SHE WAS SO BLONDE, SHE…
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
2. Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
3. Can’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles won’t fit into the typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said “2 to 4 years”.
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
6. Couldn’t call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered “C.”
8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.
9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
10. Can’t make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets.
11. Hates M&Ms because they are so hard to peel.
12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
13. Changes the baby’s diaper only once a month because the label said good up to 20 pounds.”
We do not stop playing because we grow old;
we grow old because we stop playing.
CHICKEN SOUP AND THE BEER DRINKER
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ” – Frank Sinatra
“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.” – Ernest Hemingway
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” – Henny Youngman
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” – Stephen Wright
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven! ” – Brian O’Rourke
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” – Dave Barry
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 BC!!! ” – Unknown”
The older you get, the tougher it is to l
ose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.
I’ve been told that there are too many Irish Blessings, so for a change, here is an Afghan one just for you.
May the fleas of a thousand Afghan camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch…. Amen
The nice part about living in a small town
is that when you don’t know what you’re doing,
someone else does.
YET ANOTHER GENIE JOKE
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn’t have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.
“I sure do,” he replied while he reached into his bag and pulled out a foot long Bic lighter.
“Wow!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster lighter?”
“I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?”
“Yes, right here in my golf bag.”
“Could I see him?”
He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie.
The friend asks the genie, “Since, I’m a good friend of your master,
will you grant me one wish?”
“Yes I will'” the genie replies.
The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and there’s a million ducks flying overhead.
The friend tells his buddy, “DAMN!! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”
He answers, “I forgot to tell you that the genie has a cleft pallet —
do you think I’d ask for a 12 inch Bic?”
I gave up jogging for my health
when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting my pantyhose on fire.
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”
The cop asked, “What’s he like?”
The little boy replied, “Beer and women with big breasts.”.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. Your sweetie says,
“Let’s go upstairs and make love,”
and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
AND FINALLY, HERE’S ONE ABOUT THE WORLD’S BEST HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, …go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing…the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
“OLD” IS WHEN….. A sexy babe catches your eye
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
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