Humor

Best New Jokes: June 30, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


THERAPY LESSONS

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The
doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The
doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor,
then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to
find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s
married and we can’t go to her house, I’m married and we can’t go
to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges
$108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”


+—————– Bizarre Sexual Trivia ——————+

Kellogg’s Corn Flakes were invented by a Dr. Kellogg in
hopes that they would reduce masturbation.

Middle Eastern cave paintings reveal that men used to have
sex with female crocodiles because they believed that it
would make them rich and important.

Erect giraffe penises are four feet long.

Extra breasts – a condition called “polymastia” – are rare,
but not entirely unheard of. In 1886 there were two women
who each had ten breasts, all of which secreted milk.

In eighteenth-century France, a woman named Madame Ventre,
who lived in Marseilles, had a fully functioning, lactating
breast that stuck out of her left thigh just below the waist.

In April 1970, Gloria Sykes won a $50,000 judgment against
San Francisco’s transportation system for her injuries
sustained in a cable car accident. The main crux of her
argument revolved around the fact that she was now a
nymphomaniac: she once had sex fifty times within a five
day period.


If men truly ran the world . . .

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the booty and a “Nice
hustle, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go
drinking. Mother’s Day too.

5. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it
would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and
pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view
event in world history.

8. The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be
”Monday Night” Football from a Different Camera Angle”.

9. Instead of “beer-belly”, you’d get “beer-biceps”.

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words…”Ally McNaked”.

12. When a cop gave you a ticket,
every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your
fine.
As in:

Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one, That’s $10.00 off”.

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car,
as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring,
you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said
”You’re #1!”.

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a
time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
response to “I love you”.

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. “Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night”, would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump
out of your window and
slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred
Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the
”public ugliness” ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.


WOMEN’S INSTRUCTION BOOK
(with apologies to the few men to whom this does not apply)

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don’t imagine you can change a man — unless he’s in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? Shut the door.

So many men — so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon — why can’t we put them all there?

Tell him you’re not his type — you have a pulse.

Never let your man’s mind wander — it’s too little to be let out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.

A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is
unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same — they just have different faces so you can tell
them apart.

Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
woman miserable.

Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for
it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
biblical times men wouldn’t ask for directions.

A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, “Oh, all right, I’ll stay
the night.”

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means
you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practicing.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

When he asks you if he’s your first tell him, “You may be. You look
familiar”.

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to
the exalted status of a ‘former boyfriend”.


US NAVAL INTELLIGENCE/AN OXYMORON

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in
October,1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid
a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

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