Humor

Best New Jokes: June 24, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

TODAY’S SCIENCE LESSON

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive may differ — depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance:

If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

If she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his butt.



ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.


BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.


SMART KID

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would h helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

The son answered. “don’t dig up the garden Dad, that’s where the guns are hidden.”

The next day the police came to the house and dug up the entire back yard, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to the son telling him what happened and asking him what he should do.

His son replied: Now plant your potatoes, it’s the best I could do on short notice!



CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.



PATRIOTISM AND YOU
The President of the United States, George W. Bush, has asked that all Americans and Canadians unite in a common cause to root out terrorists hiding in our community.

Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not one’s wife, on Saturday afternoon at 2:00 p.m. EST, all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of your house to prove that you think it’s OK to see other women nude. (Since they do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)

Names and addresses of non-participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia. The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your efforts. Please, by all means, send this to your fellow Patriots to ensure 100% participation.

Thank you for your participation,

Tom Ridge


HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.


SCIENCE LESSON II

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart a attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is what kills you.


MYTH: A female moth.



EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black 1. He called everyone “brother” 2. He liked Gospel 3. He couldn’t get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Fathers business 2. He lived at home until he was 33 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with his hands 2. He had wine with every meal 3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut his hair 2. He walked around barefoot all the time 3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married 2. He was always telling stories 3. He loved green pastures

But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it 3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.



SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.


SOMETHING TO OFFEND DARN-NEAR EVERYBODY

1. What’s the Cuban national anthem? “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”

2. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

3. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They’re hiring.

4. What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.

5. Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

6. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”

7. My, my, how times have changed. Years ago…When 100 white men chased 1 black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; Today they call it the PGA TOUR.



TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.


AND, IF THAT DIDN’T DO IT…

Man’s Three Rules When Getting Old

1. Never pass a bathroom
2. Never waste a hard-on
3. Never trust a fart

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