Humor

Best New Jokes: June 19, 2005

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

OUR TRIBUTE TO DEAR OLD DAD

WITH LOVE, ON Father’s DAY


EVOLUTION

First Child: Rush child to the emergency room. Spend the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.

Second Child: Bandage the cut. Spend the next two hours rocking child to relieve the pain.

Third Child: Bandage the cut, tell child to go play.

Fourth Child: Bandage the cut.


The advice your son rejected
is now being given by him to your grandson.


TIME OUT

A dad was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over two years old. They were discussing geography.

“Where does mommy live?”

“Minneapolis.”

“Where does grandma live?“

“Baltimore.”

“Where does grandpa live?”

“Baltimore.”

“And where does daddy live?”

“At work!”

He took the next day off to spend with his daughter.


Fathers often talk about the younger generations
as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.


TOP TEN THINGS DAD WILL NEVER SAY

10. Well, how ’bout that? I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude. I like that.

7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doohickey thingies, you know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father’s Day? No Big deal.


I used up all my sick days,
so I’m calling in dead.


NEW DRIVER

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.

“Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”



Don’t be so open-minded
your brains fall out.


BEDTIME STORY

A small boy is sent to bed by his father…

[Five minutes later] “Da-ad…” “What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”

“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”

[Five minutes later] “Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”

[Five minutes later] “Daaaa-aaaAAAAD…” “WHAT??!!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”


Don’t look back,
they might be gaining on you.


FROM THE BOOK OF PROVERBS

• “A father is a banker provided by nature.”
– French Proverb.

• “One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.”
– English Proverb.

• Mean fathers, wasteful sons.
– French Proverb

• Some fathers love another man’s daughter most.
– French Proverb

• My fathers planted for me, and I planted for my children.
– Hebrew Proverb

• Friendship reminds us of fathers, love of mothers.
– Malagasy Proverb

• There are many fathers, but only one mother.
– Russian Proverb

• Victory has 100 fathers and defeat is an orphan.
– Traditional Proverb

• The Pilgrim Fathers landed on the shores of America and fell on their knees; then they fell upon the aborigines.
– American Proverb


It’s not hard to meet expenses,
they’re everywhere


BEDTIME

“Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?”

“But I’ve given you 10 glasses of water already!” 

“Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!”


No crisis today;
my schedule is already full.


DOWN ON THE FARM

A little boy comes down to breakfast.

Since the family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he’s a little ticked, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The boy looks up at his mother with a half smile and asks, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”


I don’t have a solution
but I admire the problem.


LET’S HEAR IT FOR GRANDPA

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,”Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.” .


A conclusion is simply the place
where you got tired of thinking.


GREAT TRUTHS DADS HAVE LEARNED

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.

3) Families are like fudge: Mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.


If at first you DO succeed,
try not to look astonished!


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE FARMER JOKE

An very blond farmer knocked on his neighbor’s door. A young boy about 12 answered.

“Is yer paw home?” the farmer asked.

“No sir, he ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went into town.”

“Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?”

“No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with paw.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?“

“He went with maw and paw.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

“Is there anything I can do fer ya?” the boy asked politely. “I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.”

The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to Pa about that,” he finally conceded.

“If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.”

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