Humor

Best New Jokes: June 11, 2006

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

THE ART OF MAKING LOVE

Three men from different countries were talking about their sex lives.

The Italian says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes”.

The Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with chicken fat. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours.”

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”

The Jewish man says, “I wiped my hands on the bedspread!!!”


Some women get excited about nothing,
and then marry him.


There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.



SILENCE IS GOLDEN

Two guys from Montana were out fishing and drinking beer.

All of a sudden one of the fishermen said, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over six months.”

His buddy takes another swig of his beer, thinks for a moment and says, “You better think it over women like that are hard to find.”


Divorce – from the Latin word meaning
to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.


FATHERLY LOVE

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar and a bottle of whiskey.

“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself, “and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up.

If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.”

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on t


Always remember: one good turn
gets most of the blankets.


There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly.
Well enough about ME! How are you?


WITH APOLOGIES TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to Himself, “There’s something he’s needing.'”

After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
 
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

T‘was made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole damn thing.


Everyone needs to be loved,
Especially when they don’t deserve it.


HORMONE GUIDE FOR MEN

We know that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.


PMS DICTIONARY

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff.


Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.


EVE TALKS TO GOD

“Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“And why is that Eve?”

“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“Man? What is that Lord?”

“A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things.

I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, “but what’s the catch Lord?”

“Well, you can have him on one condition.”

“And what’s that Lord? “

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring … so you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. Woman to woman.”


Marriage means commitment.
Of course, so does insanity.


A TRIFECTA OF
OUR FAVORITE LOVERLY JOKES
TO LAST ‘TILL VALENTINE’S DAY

WIN:

AT THE DRUG STORE

Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

Sarah then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord, have mercy. I
can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the
law!

I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail and all
kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!”

Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked a the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”


Bisexuality doubles your chances
for a date on Saturday night.


PLACE:

WORKS WELL

Sally, Betty, and Jo Ann were all getting married. Sally and Betty were from the city, Jo Ann from the country.

They met at the marriage counselor‘s office to discuss the options of having or not having children right away.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait.

All three said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait for several years.

The counselor then asked Sally what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, “the rhythm method.”

“That will work,” said the counselor, “if you keep a good record.”

He asked the Betty what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills,” she said.

Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don’t forget to take them.”

He then asked the Jo Ann what system she was planning on using.

Her answer was, “The pail and saucer method.”

After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and Betty and Sally were pregnant. Only Jo Ann was slim and trim yet.

The counselor asked Sally what method she used and what went wrong.

She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second Betty what method she used. She replied, “The birth control pill, but we were camping one weekend and I didn’t have my pills with me and as you can see, I too, am going to have a baby.

He turned to Jo Ann and said, “I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don’t have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?

Jo Ann replied, “Well, we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.”


Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question.
“Yes” is the answer.


SHOW:

JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

“Tomorrow,” his wife angrily told him, “there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!”

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

His funeral is on Saturday at 2 p.m.

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