Humor

Best New Jokes: June 10, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

MOTHER TERESA

Mother Teresa dies and goes to heaven. God greets her at the Pearly Gates. “Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?” saith God.

“I could eat,” Mother Teresa replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries, and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.

The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, and chocolates. Still, she says nothing.

The following day, when it’s mealtime, God opens another can of tuna. When she sees this, she suddenly can’t contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: “God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don’t understand…”

God sighs. “Let’s be honest,” he says. “For just two people, does it really pay to cook?”


Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.


WHEN DID WE GET OLD?

Was it our first “senior moment?” Our first gray hair? The first time our spouse whispered, “Dear, you already said that?” Read some revelations from my 45th college reunion last week.


Men are like slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.


A BLONDE’S RESPONSE TO ALL THE BLONDE JOKES

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

“The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”

The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.”

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. “Why is the male brain so much more?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”


According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.


POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER – She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

4. He is not DUMB – He is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

5. She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

6. She is not an AIRHEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

7. He does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – He gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

8. He is not HORNY – He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

10. She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

11. He does not have a BEER GUT – He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

12. He is not a BAD DANCER – He is OVERTLY CAUCASIAN.

13. She does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – She INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

14. He is not BALDING – He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

15. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – He has SWINE EMPATHY.


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


PROOF: BEER MAKES YOU SMARTER

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

“Well ya’ see Norm, it’s like this…A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members”.

“In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first”.

“In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine”.

“That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”


You read about all these terrorists–most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULLOVER!

“NO,” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”


Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?


WOMEN’S TOP FANTASY

In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify a woman’s ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman’s ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.


It’s against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.


TOP TEN REASONS WHY GOD CREATED EVE

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s dentist’s or haircut appointment by himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone.”

And, finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve….

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, “I can do better than that.”


An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store’s walk-in-meat freezer!


THE LIFESAVER

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up and slowly puts her coffee cup down on the saucer. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy’s pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” she says, “I’m a divorce attorney.”

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