Humor

Best New Jokes: July 7, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

WRONG ANSWER

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

”If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

”We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.”

”If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?”

”Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It’s going to last a long time, so I guess she would.”

”If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?”

”Oh, no,” the husband replies. “She’s left-handed.”


THE LITTLE WOMAN

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini.

After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.

Finally, the bartender said, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

The customer replied, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it’s time to go home.”


WHAT A TRIP

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and
his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls
and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a
three-day cruise instead. The guy says “OK,” and goes to the pharmacy to
buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day
cruise. The guy says he’ll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and
buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book
an eight-day cruise. Guy says, “OK,” and goes back to the drug store and
asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally, the pharmacist asks, “Look, if it makes you sick, how come you
keep doing it?”


THE THREE TRUTHS OF RELIGION

1. The Jews don’t recognize the coming Messiah.

2. Protestants don’t recognize the Pope.

3. Two Baptists in a liquor store don’t recognize each other.


And finally, what’s Friday Joke Time without a lawyer joke…

A BILL TO REGULATE HUNTING & HARVESTING LAWYERS

370.01 Any person with a valid in-state Rodent or Snake hunting license
may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport
(non-commercial) purposes.

370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use
of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited,
unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney
is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be
removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to
the nearest car wash.

370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power
boat, helicopter or aircraft.

370.05 It is unlawful to shout, “WHIPLASH”, “AMBULANCE”, or
”FREE SCOTCH” for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW,
Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms,
law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.

370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a
license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter,
accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose
of hunting attorneys.

370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied sidewinders,
2 ; Two-faced tortfeasors, 1; Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;
Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2; Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4. Honest
attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act)

ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless
there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.

TAGS

About

This top-ranked site now has over 4,000 pages of humor, nostalgia, senior advocacy and useful information for seniors 50+. Updates weekly!

The daily e-zine for everyone over 50 who feels way too young to be old.

"...the perfect mix of Andy Rooney, Dave Barry, and Garrison Keilor, combining knee-slapping humor with useful information and genuine compassion."

Retired.com

"Thousands look to and trust Suddenly Senior. Other Websites pale in comparison to the real-life, intimate look into senior lives. What sets apart Suddenly Senior is its blistering honesty and its incomparable encouragement. Millions need guidance."

Suzette Martinez Standring

"Best Senior Site ever on the Web! Great, up-to-date information on how seniors can save money on drugs. Wonderful nostalgia. Hard-hitting senior advocacy pieces that get read in high places. Wonderful humor. It's all at Suddenly Senior."

Alexa.com

KUDOS

Now read by 3.1 million in 83 newspapers from Florida's St. Petersburg Times to the Mumbai, India News.