Humor

Best New Jokes: July 26, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

PILLS

A cattle rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the breeding fee from the bank. The banker lends him the money and comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t even look at the cows. The banker tells the farmer that he knows a great veterinarian and that he’ll send him out the next day to check out the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and tells the banker, “The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor’s cows.”

“Wow,” says the banker. “What did the vet do to that bull?”

“Just gave him some pills,” replies the farmer.

“What kind of pills?” asks the banker.

“I don’t know,” says the smiling farmer, “but they sort of taste like peppermint.”


Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.


SNEAKY

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine andcoast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house,

I sneak up the Stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, “WHO’S HORNY?” and she acts like she’s sound asleep.


Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.


BILLIONS AND BILLIONS

One Billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

A billion dollars ago, at the rate the government in Washington spends it, was only 8 hours and 20 minutes ago.


A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.


CURMUDGEON’S CORNER

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Sol, who used to help him, was in federal prison for Insider Trading and Stock Fraud.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Sam: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were just here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Papa

A few days later the old man received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa: For heaven’s sake don’t dig up that garden. that’s where I buried the money & stocks.

Love, Sam

At six am the next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man’s house and dug up the entire area, without finding any money or stocks.

They apologized to the old man and left. The following day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa: Go ahead and plant the potatoes in your garden now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, your son, Sam


Once a year, go some place you’ve never been before.


OBVIOUSLY FOR THE BIRDS

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

“I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

“I’m so full, I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one.

“Let’s just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second.

“O K,” said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought

“I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS.”


Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.


NEWSPAPER HEADLINES ·

  • Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  • Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  • Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
  • Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  • Farmer Bill Dies in House
  • Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  • Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
  • Stud Tires Out
  • Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  • Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over


When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.


TALIBAN HUMOR

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Taliban said, “My thirst is killing me. Please, do you have water?”

The Jew replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes.

“The Taliban shouted, “Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need water!”

“OK,” said the old Jew, “it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!”

The Taliban staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later the Taliban came crawling back to the Jewish man’s table.

The Jew said, “I told you, the restaurant with the water is about four miles over that hill. Could you not find it?”

“I found it,” rasped the Taliban. “But your brother wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”


Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.


THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

Ipulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air.

She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay….. Do you hear me?… Stay!.. Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde, gave me a strange look and said.

“Why don’t you just put it in park?”


Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.


THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK…
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and
think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

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