Humor

Best New Jokes: July 23, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

OUR HERO

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, “Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you — we’ve looked at your life, and you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!”

“I’m impressed,” St. Peter responded, “When did this happen?”

“About two minutes ago.”


FEDERAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS

These quotes were taken from actual Federal employee performance evaluations:

“I would not allow this employee to breed.”

“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

“It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

“This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite
won’t be.”

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.”

“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

“This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

“A gross ignoramus —-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”

“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

“He’s been working with glue too much.”

“He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”

“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

“A prime candidate for natural deselection.”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

“Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”

“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”



HAVE YOU HEARD
there’s a new soft drink on the market that contains Viagra?

It’s called… Mount N’ Do...


FOR YOU LOVERS OF PUNS

Two guys were standing inside a building of a local theme park. They were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day.

The area’s custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman (4’10″& 90 lbs) and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away.

When she asked her manager what she should do, he replied: “You have a warm down jacket don’t you? Well put rocks in all the pockets!”

Then a minister, who was standing nearby, suggested she say a little prayer to ask the lord to lessen the wind.

The park clown then sugggesed she could kill two birds with one stone by saying the prayer she said each night. He said, “you know, the one that goes: ‘Now I weigh me down to sweep.'”


WISE KID

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, “Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes, sir,” the boys said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “Cause yer feet ain’t empty.”



TOUGH REQUIREMENT

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?” The old man replied, “No problem at all, Pastor.” “Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked,

“Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?” The man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly. “What Happened?” inquired the pastor.

“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.

“We know.” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at Safeway anymore either.”


CUT IT OUT!

A Louisiana gentleman is eating at Antoine’s in New Orleans. While sitting at his table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby…..all alone. He had never seen the woman at Antoine’s before, so he calls the waiter over and asks that their most expensive bottle of Merlot be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants.”

The man from Louisiana, after reading the note, sent a note back to her. It read:

“For your personal edification – I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; in addition, I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.”


BLONDE SOLO (THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE)

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, sheradioed in.

“I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becomingto fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, butas I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can’t remember anything after I turned off the big fan.”

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