Humor

Best New Jokes: July 14, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

FIRST, THE OBLIGATORY LAWYER JOKE…

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the
engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
”So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he
should never have gotten down there send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and
I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where
are YOU going to get a lawyer?”


TRAPPED

A recent survey shows that 98% of practicing Jews approved of Janet
Reno’s retrieval of Elian Gonzalez. They know what it is like to be
trapped in Miami with relatives.


BEACH-VARE

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.” The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger ‘units’ than his dad. His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.” Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”


BLONDE JOKE (WE HAVEN’T HAD ONE FOR MONTHS)

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I
I
I
I
I
I

FRANK, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.


WHY LIFE IS EASY FOR MEN

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. Wedding plans take care of themselves. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. Your orgasms are real all the time. Your ass is never a factor in an interview You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Foreplay is optional. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky. Same work… more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet . Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with “So, notice anything different?” Going shirtless in public is perfectly acceptable. No pantyhose. One mood, all the time


AND FINALLY, FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES, ON THE SUBJECT OF MARRIAGE

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

”You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that
you like sports, and she should keep the chips
and dip coming.”
Alan, age 10

”No person really decides before they grow up who
they’re going to marry. God decides it all way
before, and you get to find out later who you’re
stuck with.”
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

”Twenty-three is the best age because you know the
person FOREVER by then.”
Camille, age 10

”No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married.”
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

”Married people usually look happy to talk to other
people.”
Eddie, age 6 I love this one

”You might have to guess, based on whether they
seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
Errick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

”Both don’t want no more kids.”
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

”Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough.”
Lynnette, age 8

”On the first date, they just tell each other lies,
and that usually gets them interested enough to go
for a second date.”
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

”I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would
call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote
about me in all the dead columns.”
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

”When they’re rich.”
Pam, age 7

”The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t
want to mess with that.”
Curt, age 7

”The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It’s the right thing to do.”
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

”It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them.”
Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET
MARRIED?

”There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
wouldn’t there?”
Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

”Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she
looks like a truck.”
Ricky, age 10

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