Humor

Best New Jokes: July 12, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

“COME-BACK” OF THE WEEK

A college student challenged a senior citizen saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. “You grew up in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers . . . “

Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the senior said, “You’re right. We didn’t have those things when we were young. So we invented them!”


A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.


BIRDS & BEES

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, “Grampa, what is sex?”

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she’s old enough to know to ask the question, then she’s old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, “Why did you ask this question, honey?”

The little girl replied, “Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs.”


Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.


The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.


HOW SICK?

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS.'”


Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.


CURMUDGEON’S CORNER

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner…… James Bovard

Foreign aid can be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries ……..Douglas Casey

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts…………….Will Rogers

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session…..Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap … except when Congress does it…….Unknown

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery……..Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin…….Mark Twain

There is no distinctly native American criminal class, , , , , , save Congress…….Mark Twain


Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.


BARRING COINCIDENCE

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron. He turned to her and said, “This is a special day, I’m celebrating.”

“What a coincidence,” said the woman, “I’m celebrating, too.” She clinked glasses with him and asked, “What are you celebrating?”

“I’m a chicken farmer,” he replied. “For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile.”

“What a coincidence, the woman said. My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?” she asked.

“I switched roosters,” he replied.

“What a coincidence,” she said


A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


THE WELL-PLANNED LIFE

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? ”

“Yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.”

Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?”

To which her friend replied: “One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”


A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


REAL MEN BBQ

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store.

2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.”

12 When leaving the Emergency Room, he finally realizes the truth……………..

THERE IS JUST NO PLEASING SOME WOMEN


Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?


THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, “I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can’t find it!”

I replied, “Aren’t you talking on it!?”

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in – followed by, “You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!”

A true story if you can believe it. Want to guess her hair color?


A backward poet writes inverse.


THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK…

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth…. Remember Algebra.

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