Humor

Best New Jokes: January 6, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft
Today, it’s called golf.

ACTUAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS

“His people would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity”

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy”

“He would argue with a signpost”

“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier”

“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together”

“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean”

“One neuron short of a synapse”

“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week”


Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming. (Groan)


AMISH REPAIR

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer   stopped her. “I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer. “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”

“I thank thee”, replied the Amish lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”  

“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too.”  

“Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home.”   

True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately. “Also,” said the Amish woman, “The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.


Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.


READER EMERSON HUFF’S FAVORITE JOKE

John road his bicycle to work every morning and on his way would meet the reverend. This one morning the reverend noticed that John was walking. The reverend said, “John, where is your bicycle?”

John remarked “well reverend I hate to say this but somebody stole it. The reverend promised that he would make it part of his sermon the next Sunday. Come Monday the reverend came upon John and he was on his bicycle again.

The reverend said,” I see my sermon did some good. Well, reverend, you recited the 10 commandments and when you came to “thou shalt not committed adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle


Never buy a car you can’t push.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know 5 things:
1 – The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 – The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 – I’m a 6 foot tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it 5 times.”


It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.


FUTURE WARNING

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research. By 2020, there should be a large, elderly population with perky breasts and full erections and no recollection of what to do with them.


A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.


HOW I SPENT MY VACATION WITH GRANDMA

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don’t know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.

At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.

Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.

When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.


Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.


FILLING IN FOR ST. PETER

Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn’t think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.

“Why, Peter,” Jesus said. “You know your health is my first concern.  Take as much time as you need.”

As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.

As the man neared, Jesus said, “Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?”

“Well,” replied the man, “I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven.”

“We would certainly love to have you,” said Jesus, “but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?”

“Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself,” said the man. “I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son,” he continued, “now HE was special !”

With pride in his voice he said, “I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong.  And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he’s known throughout the world and loved by all alike.”

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him.  With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, “Father!”

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, “Pinocchio!!”


When everything’s coming your way, you may be in the wrong lane.


HEALTH NEWS

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats.

They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?” The woman shakes her head, no. “Kin ya breathe?” The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heard of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver,’ but I ain’t never seen nobody do it.


Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

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