Humor

Best New Jokes: January 30, 2005

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over 200 years and hell, we’re not using it anymore.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE PSYCHIC

You know it’s going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your  bedroom door first thing in the morning and says, “Today is Nerd Day at school, Dad. Can I borrow some of your clothes?”


DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT


ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING


BLUE HUMOR

Cops do have a sense of Humor!
The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.”

“So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, and eat cotton candy.”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

“Just how big were those two beers?”

“No sir! We don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”


A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN’
HE’S JUST HOPIN’


YET ANOTHER LAWYER JOKE

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he’s getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.

Distraught, the lawyer grabs his cell and calls the Police. Five minutes later, the police arrive.

Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically, “My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it’s in the shop, it simply will never be the same again!”

After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are,” he says. “You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.”

“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” snaps the lawyer.

The policeman replies, “Didn’t you notice your arm was torn off?”


The lawyer looks down in horror. He screams, “Oh my God, where’s my Rolex?”


CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET’S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER


HIGH FLYING

Bud and Jim worked as airplane mechanics in Gander Bay, Newfoundland.

Bud said, “Man, I sure could use a drink!”

Jim says “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane fuel and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings… It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”

Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”

Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”

Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”

Jim says, “Yeah, well there’s just one thing… Have you farted yet?”

“Not yet,” says Bill

“Well, DON’T. I’m in Chicago.”


THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE


YOU MAY BE GETTING OLDER

  • Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
  • You know you’re getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
  • Old age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
  • By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
  • Old age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
  • Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
  • Being a senior adult is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
  • You know you’re into old age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
  • Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
  • The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
  • You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.


AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN’T IT?


THREE CHAPLAINS

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, a student made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and the religious leaders decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you know that we don’t sprinkle!

I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to it. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took hold of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a crick. So I quick dunked him and baptized his hairy soul.

And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, “You fellows don’t even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear.”


NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU


Elvis Cartoon

FOR OUR BABY BOOMERS

Some of the artists of the ’60s (living or not) are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby boomers. They include:

Elvis: “A Hunka Hunka Burning Bile”

Hermann’s Hermits: “Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”

The Bee Gees: “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”

Bobby Darin: “Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash”

Ringo Starr: “I Get By With a Little Help from Depends”

Roberta Flack: “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”

Johnny Nash: “I Can’t See Clearly Now”

Paul Simon: “Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver”

Commodores: “Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom”

Marvin Gaye: “I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts”

Procol Harem: “A Whiter Shade of Hair”

Leo Sayer: “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”

The Temptations: “Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone”

Abba: “Denture Queen”

Tony Orlando: “Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall”

Helen Reddy: “I am Woman, Hear me Snore”

Willie Nelson: “On the Throne Again”

Leslie Gore: “It’s My Procedure and I’ll Cry if I Want To”

Sonny & Cher: “…And The Beat Goes….. On.”


AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT’S HARD TO PLAY


FREDERICK’S OF HOLLYWOOD

A husband walks into Frederick’s of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several garments that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good Lord! You’d think that for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending.“


BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT’S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER’S CODE


A REALLY SAD STORY

Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

Yes, Nurse Tracy,” said Mr. Goldstein, “My private part died today, and I am very sad.”

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.”

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

“Mr. Goldstein,” she said, “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas.”

“But, Nurse Tracy,” replied Mr. Goldstein, “I told you yesterday that my private part died.”

“Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?” asked Nurse Tracy.

“Well,” he replied. “Today’s the viewing.”


THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING


UPPER MANAGEMENT TRAINING

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a
male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure chief, coming right up.” He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”


CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.


THIS WEEK‘S BLOND JOKE

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the
subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voiced bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “IS THAT YOU LORD?”

The voice replied, “NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.”


PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW

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