Best New Jokes: January 3, 2005





A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, “Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?” “Canada, sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.“

“Really?!” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada.”

“No way??” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”


My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter. I used to eat it raw sometimes, but I can’t remember getting E-coli.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE, and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked’s (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.

Schools didn’t offer 14-year-olds an abortion or condoms but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic health system we had then.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations.

We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome and then we got our rear spanked. Now it’s a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn’t act up at the neighbor’s house either because if we did, we got our rear spanked there, and then we got our rear spanked again when we got home.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play.

Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower.

Not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.

We didn’t even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac!

How did we survive?

If The Phone Don’t Ring,
You’ll Know It’s Me


This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing two dollars.

Her mother said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar “pay” she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account for her.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.”

My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those jerk at Home Depot ever deliver the darned sheet rock!”

I’ll Marry You Tomorrow,
But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight


A man in his senior years had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

I’m So Miserable without You
It’s Like You’re Still Here


An interview with the late George Burns:

“Is it true that you smoke eight to ten cigars a day?”

“That’s true.”

“Is it true that you drink five martinis a day?”

“That’s true”

“Is it true that you still surround yourself with young, beautiful women?”

“That’s true”

“What does your doctor say about all of this?”

“My doctor is dead.”

NOTE TO READERS: Say “Good night, Gracie”

How Can I Miss You
If You Won’t Go Away?


English: I Love You

Spanish: Te Amo

French: Je t’aime

German: lch Liebe Dich

Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu

Italian: Ti Amo

Chinese: Wo Ai Ni

Swedish: Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Iowa, Nebraska, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, and parts of Florida: Nice ass. Get in the truck.

She Got the Ring
and I Got the Finger


A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job”.
The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.

You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year”.

The young man said, “You’re bullshitting me!”

The social worker replied, “Yeah, well, you started it.”

She’s Looking Better After Every Beer


An elderly couple were sitting together watching television. During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, “Whatever happened to our sexual relations?”

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, “You know, I don’t know. I don’t even think we got a Christmas card from them this year.“

I Ain’t Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women,
but I’ve Sure Woke Up with a Few


Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”  

She hugged each of the dealers, then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Her Teeth Was Stained
But Her Heart Was Pure


I thought the word service meant “The act of doing things for other people.”

Then I heard these terms:

• Internal Revenue Service
• Postal Service
• Telephone Service
• Civil Service
• City/County Public Service
• Customer Service
• Service Stations

Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one said he had hired a bull to “service” a few of his cows. 

It all came into perspective.

Now I understand what all those “service” agencies are doing to us.

I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight
‘Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win


Senior citizen to his eighty-year old buddy, “So I hear you are getting married?”


“This woman, is she good looking?”

“Not really.”

“Is she a good cook?”

“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“No, poor as a church mouse.”
“Well then, is she good in bed?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“She can still drive at night.

I Liked You Better
Before I Got to Know You So Well



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