Humor

Best New Jokes: January 27, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

THE MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She’s afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She’ll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She’ll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She’ll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she’ll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She’ll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

THE MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)


Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England –
but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)


AMISH REPAIR

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer   stopped her. “I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer. “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”

“I thank thee”, replied the Amish lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”  

“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too.”  

“Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home.”   

True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately. “Also,” said the Amish woman, “The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.


In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have
sex with animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal
is punishable by death.


MAFIA TALK

Mafia Don finds out that one of his underlings has stolen 10 million dollars. This underling happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign languag

The milllion dollars you embezzled from me?” In turn, the attorey, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The underling signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a 9MM pistol, puts it to the underling’s temple, cocks it and says, “Ask him again!”

The attorney signs to the underling, “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!” The underling signs back, “OK! you win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”

The Godfather asks the attorney, “Well, what’d he say?”

The attorney replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”


The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia
is decapitation. (Much worse than “going blind!”)


THIS WEEK’S BEST OSTRICH JOKE

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits down,
the bartender comes over, and asks for their order.

The man says, “I’ll have a beer,” and turns to the ostrich.

“What’s yours?”

“I’ll have a beer too” says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says “That will be $3.40 please,”

and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for
payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, “I’ll
have a beer,”

The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the bartender.

“Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large scotch,” says the man.

“Same for me,” says the ostrich.

“That will be $7.20” says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact
change out of his pocket and places it on the bar The bartender can’t hold
back his curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My
first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in
my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.”

That’s brilliant!” says the bartender.

“Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll
always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,” says the man.

The bartender asks “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man replies “My second wish was for a chick with long legs


In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed
to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do
so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover,
on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.


I WANT TO BE A BEAR

In my next life….I want to be a bear. If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup….. Gonna be a bear.


Humans and dolphins are the only species
that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)


BLATANT POLITICAL JOKE ABOUT MEDICAL MIRACLES

An Israeli doctor says “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor says “That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says “In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says “You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is looking for work.”


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.


BUMPER STICKERS FOR LADIES

OH MY GOD, I THINK I’M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!

GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS.

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEABAG…YOU DON’T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER.

I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER.

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN … SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

OF COURSE I DON’T LOOK BUSY…I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.


An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.
(I know some people like that.)


IRISH WIFE HUMOUR

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “Where have ya been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”


And, the best for last…..
Turtles can breathe through their butts.

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