Humor

Best New Jokes: February 4, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Note: If truth is the first casualty of war, laughter is certainly the second. Our sense of humor hasn’t been the same since 9/11. Even Esquire Magazine suspended its annual Dubious Achievement Awards. But take hope. This Week’s Best Jokes prove that our sense of humor is back, with a vengeance. I hope you agree.

ENRON, EXPLAINED

Traditional Capitalism:

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism:

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States from Texas, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release of the annual report. The public buys your bull and you use a small portion of your profits to buy Congress’s support for deregulating all transactions involving cows.

Now, wasn’t that simple?


HOW TO STRETCH YOUR PENSION

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house, I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”


NEWLYWED WITHOUT A CLUE

At 85 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Lou Anne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It’s Morris! And he’s again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Lou Anne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.

Lou Anne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again.. .Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again, they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I’ve been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You’re a great lover, Morris.”

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, “You mean I was here already?”


IT HAPPENED AT YESTERDAY’S SUPER BOWL

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.

Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium – he’s closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”

The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together at since we got married in 1967.”

“Well, that’s really sad,” says Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?”

“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”


OSAMA BIN LADEN’S LUCKY DAY

Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said “Master, may I grant you one wish?”

“Hey, bitch. Don’t you know who I am? I don’t need no woman givin’ me nuthin'” barked Bin Laden.

The genie pleaded “But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever.”

Osama thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he said “okay, okay, I wanna wake up with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!” Giving the genie an evil glare, he screamed

“Now leave me alone, bitch!”

The annoyed genie said, “So be it!” and disappeared back into the bottle. The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no health insurance.


SAM & BESSIE GO SHOPPING

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are “snowbirds” in south Texas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home.

He proudly walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?”

Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Sam yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?

IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!”

To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat.


SPEAKING OF SEX

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it… and, of course, there’s the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female…Ha!…you thought I’d say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.


AND, FOR THIS WEEK ONLY…

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT WORK

10. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

09. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.”

08. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!”

07. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”

06. “I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”

05. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?”

04. “Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

03. “The coffee machine is broken…”

02. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot…”

And the No 1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk…

01. “… in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

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