Best New Jokes: February 26, 2001



Shamus McGuillicutty’s boss from the Guinness Brewery in St. James’ Gate visits his subordinate’s modest Dublin home with bad news.

“I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident, Maggie,” he tells Mrs. McGuillicutty. “Shamus has passed away.”

ÒJesus, Joseph and Mary,” as Maggie crosses herself. “Did he have a
rapid and painless demise, or did he suffer?”

ÒI won’ be lyin’ ta ya, Maggie,” says the boss. “He suffered a long and tedious death. Shamus fell, ya see, into the vat of Guinness and drowned.”

“Oh, no!,” the recent widow wailed. “How awful!”

“Aye,” admitted the boss. “He ‘ad to get out twice to pee, he did.”


Argument (ar*gyou*ment):n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Airhead (er*head): n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over b a Police Officer.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q): n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up – but he “made the dinner.”

Blonde jokes (blond joks):n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope):n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer):n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet soda (dy*it so*da):n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee):n The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz): v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list): n What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hardware store (hard*war stor): n. Similar to a black hole in space – if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth): n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, “focus….breathe…push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik): n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park): v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens): n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”

Waterproof mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah): n. Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae): n. A day when you have dreams of a candle light dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.


A man had 50-yard-line tickets for the Superbowl. As he sits down, anothe man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No,”he says. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible!” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Superbowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”

He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you
find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor — to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”


Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
— Sharon Stone

“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.” — HenryKissenger (former US Secretary of State)

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex — no matter what she’s reading.” —
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” — Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee — the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.” — Dan Rather (News anchorman)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?'” — Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” —
Courtney Cox (Monica on “Friends”)

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” — Tiger Woods

“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.” — Jerry Garcia(Grateful Dead)

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” — Axel Rose (Guns’n’Roses)

“Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.” –Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)

“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.” — Rev. Jesse Jackson

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” — Jack Nicholson

(On going to war over religion) — “You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.” –Yasir Arafat (PLO leader)

Why Beers Are Better Than Women

1. You always know if you are the first one to open a beer.

2. A beer nevergets jealous if you grab another beer.

3. A beer never gets angry if you arrive smelling of beer.

4. The colder a beer, the better.

5. You can always share a beer with your friends.

6. A beer does not get upset if you arrive at 3 a.m.

7. You can choose a beer from a box, and if you change your mind,
you can pick another one.


Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.

While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.

“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..

“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” says the passenger nun.

The driver does so, and Dracula gets knocked around a bit but manages to hang on.

“Use the washer,” shouts the passenger nun. “I filled it with Holy Water while we were at the Vatican.”

The driver nun does so, but the tiny Dracula is still not dislodged and
hisses through the windshield even more menacingly.

In desperation, the nun with all the ideas suggests, “Show him your cross,sister.”

“Why of course,” says the driver. “Why didn’t I think of that?” She rollsdown the window and screams out at the small creature, “Get the f**k off our car, you little c**ksucker!”



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