Humor

Best New Jokes: February 16, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving with a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming— “WOW! What a ride!”


FWEEDOM OF WEELIGION

A guy had been isolated on an island in the South Pacific for 10 years.

He lit a signal every night for 10 years but no one saw it and no one came to rescue him. Finally a passing boat did notice the signal and sent an officer and men in a small boat to investigate.

The castaway explained that he had been on this island for 10 years waiting to be rescued.

The boat captain ask “If you are all alone, what are those three huts I see built in the lagoon?

He answered “The first hut is my home. The second hut is where I go to church. And the third hut is where I went to church before I got mad and changed churches …”


RAMBLINGS OF THE RETIRED MIND

  • I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can’t afford one so I’m wearing my garage door opener.
  • You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.
  • I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
  • I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it “Pumping Rust.”
  • I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease; that’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!
  • Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “A Good Doctor!”
  • I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
  • As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.


I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.   But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall”. ~Eleanor Roosevelt


SECOND IN A NEW SERIES

FDA: It’s Not Nice to Screw with Grandma

The Federal Drug Administration is at war with seniors. The USFDA is America’s very own terrorist organization. Its lies on behalf of the thuggish and greedy drug companies are costing us billions. Costing us lives, too.


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns


HOW MEN ARE SO LIKE CATS

A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. “Oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to be really ticked if it’s not ready on time.”

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying it. “Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. “You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around when one of them said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his butt.”


What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain


IDIOTS AT WORK.

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched.


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. ~Alex Levine


MICROSOFT VS. GM

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $15 cars that get 1OOO miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors couldn’t wait to issue a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft’s Windows platform, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only 5 percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask “Are your sure?” before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to leam how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol


RELIGIOUS HEART ATTACK

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a private religious hospital. As he was recovering, a nurse asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nurse asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

The nurse asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

The nurse became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”


I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. ~Bob Hope


GOOD QUESTION

A southern belle was looking to buy a house. The seller said, “This house hasn’t got a flaw in it!”

The southern belle replied, “My lands! What do y’all walk on?”


THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Supreme Court building.

You cannot post things like “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”, and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. 

It creates a hostile work environment.


We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~Unknown


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.”

St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her.

The second blonde said, “Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts.

St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, “So, tell me.”

She said, “Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, “Verrrrrry good.”

Then the blonde continued, “Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball.”

If you were St. Peter, what would you do?


Don’t worry about avoiding temptation… As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~Unknown


Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. ~Unknown

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