Humor

Best New Jokes: December 9, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Question of the Week? How do you know when your bagpipe needs tuning?


The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.


MOM SAID TO USE WHAT YOU HAVE

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, “How’s the singing career going?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that going right now.”

Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Tiger says, “You play golf?”

Wonder says, “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

Woods says, “But you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”

Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice.”

But how do you putt?” asks Woods.

“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice.”

Woods asks, “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”

Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m for that, when would you like to play?”

Stevie says, “Pick a night.”


What’s the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog!


Lawyer’s creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.


WHAT’S IN A NAME?

Three ministers a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Southern Baptist and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship.

They all drowned, and next thing you know, they’re standing before St. Peter.

First in line were the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly and said, “I can’t let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.” St. Peter waved sadly, and poof! Down the chute to the ‘Other Place they went.

Then came the Methodist. “Sorry, can’t let you in either,” said

Saint Peter. “You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”

Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and whang! Down the chute went the Methodists.

The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, “It doesn’t look good, Fanny.”


It was so cold in the Carolinas last week, (how cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!


READER NEAL LAUR’S FAVORITE JOKE

A couple weeks ago, I dreamt that you, I, and another friend by the name of Ed were celebrating because Ed won the Lotto for 8 Million Dollars. Things were going great until we ran out of beer so we all jumped in Ed’s car and headed down to the store.

As luck would have it, after winning the Lotto, Ed was not paying attention and ran a red light and a semi going about 60 hit us.

When we got to the pearly gates St Peter asked us our names and then checked his list. He called me first and told me to go straight down the street to the last house on the left and that would be my home.

I went down to the house he told me and went inside and it was a nice place, and then this woman came out of the kitchen and she was undoubtedly the ugliest woman I had ever seen. Then a voice boomed out ” Neal you have sinned and you will stay with this woman for eternity”

I was ready to run, but then thought better of it, because where could I go where he wouldn’t find me. I concluded that I might as well do as he said.

Then He called Ed and told him to go down to the house right next to mine and he did and met up with about the same fate as I had. When he got inside, there was the twin sister to the one I was with and the voice boomed out ” Ed you have sinned and must stay with this woman for eternity”

Then came your turn except he told you to go to the house across the street from me. You got to the house and there was Bo Derek laying on the couch with about as many clothes on as she wore in her movies. The voice again boomed out ” Bo you have sinned.”


What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

A blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and, when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it!!!”

The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”


Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.


SEASON’S FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should’ve known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.


Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a lost hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; all of the other three are mythical creatures!


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


COMMON MISUNDERSTANDING

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, “Fluctuations.”

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, “Fluc you Amelicans, too!”


What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.


IN THE NEWS

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let’s see now . . No beer, No booze, No bars, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties, No hooters, No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks.

Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next door because he’s sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. No chocolate chip cookies, No Christmas. You can’t shave, Your wife can’t shave, You can’t shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! No mystery here.


Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent


SOMETIMES

Sometimes … when you cry … no one sees your tears……

Sometimes… when you are in pain… no one sees your hurt…

Sometimes… when you are worried…. no one sees your stress……

Sometimes … when you are happy … no one sees your smile ……

But fart just one time……


Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

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