Humor

Best New Jokes: December 3, 2006

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

A HONEYMOON TALE

Bill was out on the golf course when a high speed ball hit him right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he can manage, Bill cautiously drives himself to the doctor.

“How bad is it, Doctor Brown? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin — in every way.”

The doctor tells him, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.”

Doctor Brown took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint and taped it all together … an impressive work of art.

Now, Bill fails to mention this to Debra. They get married and leave on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, Debra rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She says, “You’re the first; no one has EVER touched these.”

Bill immediately drops his pants and replies, “Look at this … still in the CRATE!


Forget the health food.
I need all the preservatives I can get.


Bigamy : one husband too many.
Monogamy : same thing.


SEVERAL DEFINITIONS

YOU MAY BE GETTING OLDER IF……

Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,”
and you answer, “Pick one; I can’t do both!”

Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you’re barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

Going braless pulls all the wrinkles
out of your face.

You don’t care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don’t have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.

“Getting a little action” means
you don’t need to take any fiber today.

“Getting lucky” means
you find your car in the parking lot.

” An “all nighter” means
not getting up to use the bathroom. 


Between two evils,
I always pick the one I never tried before.


A FEW PROVERBS TO REMEMBER 
 
A man in the house is worth two in the street.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.

The wise never marry. And when they marry they become otherwise.


Floggings will continue until morale improves.


Grow your own dope… plant a man.


BRA SIZES EXPLAINED

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it’s about time you became informed!

A – Almost Boobs.
B – Barely there.
C- Can’t Complain!
D – Damn!
DD – Double damn!
E – Enormous!
F-Fake


Time may be a great healer,
but it’s also a lousy beautician.


A TRIFECTA OF
SOME OF OUR FAVORITE SEXY JOKES

WIN:

I’D WALK A MILE FOR A CAMEL

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”

The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”

The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all right with me.”

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!”

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.

The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”

The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”


Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.


PLACE:

MY DATING LIFE

When I was 19, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 25 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 35 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 45 I found an exciting girl but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy! She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 55, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 65 and am looking for a girl with big tits.


Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.


SHOW:

BOWLING?

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Bob! How ya doin‘?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Bob. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, “Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, “Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.”


Gravity doesn’t exist. The Earth sucks.

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