Humor

Best New Jokes: December 3, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

TRADE OFF

A sales woman is driving through the Reservation toward home when she sees an Indian woman thumbing a ride on the side of the road.
As the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Indian woman gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat.
“What’s in the bag?” asks the Indian woman.
“It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband,” says the sales woman.
The Indian lady is silent for a moment then says, “Good trade.”


MEGILLAHS, SUMMARIZED

The Harvard School of Medicine studied why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. They found that this is due to the fact that Wonton spelled backwards is Not Now.

There’s a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called “Debbie Does Dishes”.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful. What part is it?” The boy says,” I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

Q – How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A – (Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, ‘Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.’ “Force yourself,” she replied.

A Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying. Details to follow.”


TO HAVE A CLONE OF MY OWN
(to the tune of Home on the Range)

Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With its Y chromosome changed to X
And when it is grown
Then my little clone
Will be of the opposite sex

Clone, clone of my own,
With its Y chromosome changed to X
And when I’m alone
With my little clone
We will both think of nothing but sex.
—Issac Asimov


CATHOLIC OUTREACH

The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first.”

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, “And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony.”

“So,” asked the young priest, “what’s the problem?”

“Well”, said the elder priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But Father,” protests the young priest. “My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“I know, I know, my son, but that flashing neon sign “Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell” really has to go.”



MUTUAL WHAT?

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this Sex and Marriage book and all they talk about is ‘mutual orgasm.’

“‘Mutual orgasm’ here and ‘mutual orgasm’ there-that’s all they talk about. Tell Me Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have ‘mutual orgasm?'”

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”



AND, SPEAKING OF SEX…

“What do I know about sex? I’m a married man.”
– Tom Clancy

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
– Steve Martin

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.”
– Woody Allen

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
– Unknown

“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.”
– Lynn Lavner

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.”
– P. J. O’Rourke

“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”
– George Burns

“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.”
– Drew Carey

“Life is a sexually transmitted disease.”
– Unknown

“Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.”
– Woody Allen

“If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
– Overheard at my retirement living facility.


MODERN LOVE LETTERS

“Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. — Your Husband”

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

“Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.”

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