BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED
I used to have Saturday Night Fever…Now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes.
It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose… some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
Don’t let aging get you down… It’s too hard to get back up.
I don’t feel old – I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
NEWS, FROM THE CAPITAL!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington DC this Christmas season.
This isn’t for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation’s capitol.
However, there was no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall”. (Eleanor Roosevelt)
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend
Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said “Hey baby,
how about playing Weeweechu.”
“Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon” said Jung Lee.
“Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I play Weeweechu. I love
you and it’s the perfect time,” Huan Cho begged.
“But Id rather just hold your hand and watch the moon.”
“Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me.”
Jung Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, “OK, we’ll play
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang….
“Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
and a Happy New Year.”
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)
THE BRUSH OFF
Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway Hall meetings as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn’t ya know it, they never won a prize at the monthly drawing. That is, until the last meeting.
Sven was the first one of the three to have his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles and three pounds of Swedish meatballs.
Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duluth, MN., 2 nights’ stay at the Dew Drop Inn, and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven.
Lars was the last one to have his name drawn. He won a toilet brush. At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how they had fared for the past month.
Sven said, “Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga didn’t have to buy food for dem dere tree days.”
Ole said, “Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Duloot was nice, and we got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built-in outhouse on dat dere bus. And the Inger triplets, if I didn’t know better, I would swear dey vere sisters.”
Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars looked at them both and said, “Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I’ll go back to using paper.”
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)
TWO WISHES A GROANER
A man and an ostrich walked into a hamburger joint. The man ordered a hamburger, fries and a coke. The server said hat would be $5.45. The man reached in his pocket and pulled out exactly $5.45.
The next day the man and the ostrich returned and he ordered a Fish sandwich, fries and a chocolate milk shake. The server told him that would be $6.44. The man reached in his pocket and pulled out exactly $6.44. This went on for several days until the server finally asked How come you always have the exact change??
The man told him that sometime ago he met a Genie who granted him two wishes. The first was that he would always have the exact change for everything.
What was the second wish asked the server.
Well, said the man, I always wanted a long legged chick with curly hair!!
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)
THOSE CRAZY PENGUINS
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
“NO, NO,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
THE DREAM SON-IN-LAW
I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren’t really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.
Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all , you can’t learn everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely, Your future father-in-law….
P.S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don’t sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
“I’m sorry”, says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any”
“But I always buy it here,” says the blonde
“Do you have the container that it came in?” asks the pharmacist.
“YES”, said the blonde, “I’ll go home and get it.”
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant”
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container………
” TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.”
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)
THIS WEEK’S HISTORY LESSON
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850?
California became a state. The state had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gun fights in the middle of the streets.
So, it was just like California today…..only the women had real breasts.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)
GOLDFISH FUNERAL – THIS WEEK’S OLDIE BUT GOODIE
Sweet and cute little Lucy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Lucy?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Lucy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor smiled and asked with concern, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Lucy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your darned cat!”
If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans. (Woody Allen)
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