Humor

Best New Jokes: December 11, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

IT’S DECEMBER!

December is… Hi Neighbor Month

December 2 is… National Fritters Day

December 8 is… Take It In The Ear Day

December 10 is… Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales

December 11 is… National Noodle Ring Day

December 12 is… National Ding-A-Ling Day

December 16 is… National Chocolate Covered Anything Day

December 26 is… National Whiners Day

December 27 is… National Fruitcake Day


WHAT I LEARNED IN HEBREW SCHOOL…….

(These are written by children and have not been retouched or corrected, i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is: “Thou shalt not admit adultery.”

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


Japan has sent us 50,000,000 cases of Viagra. They heard that our entire country can’t get an election.


THE BULL!

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull’s testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!”

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”

The waiter replied, “I am sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you served yesterday!”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”


NATIVITY SCENE

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene anywhere in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t because of any religious reasons. They just couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin

A GROUP OF WOMEN CONCLUDED COMPUTERS SHOULD BE REFERRED TO IN THE MASCULINE GENDER BECAUSE:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The group of men decided computers should definitely be feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory banks for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck buying accessories for it.


BOOMER POETRY

My face in the mirror Isn’t wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn’t dirty, The cobwebs are gone,
My garden looks lovely, And so does my lawn,
I think I might never Put my glasses back on.


DATING OUTSIDE OF YOUR FAITH OR NATIONALITY! A PRIMER

CAUCASIAN WOMAN: First date: You get to kiss her good night. Second date: You get to grope her all over and make out. Third Date: You have sex in the missionary position Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.

ITALIAN WOMAN: First date: You take her to a expensive restaurant. Second date: You meet her parents and mom makes spaghetti & meat balls. Third date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insist on a 3 carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate sex. 6th Anniversary: you find your self a girl friend.

IRISH WOMAN: First date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

JEWISH WOMAN: First date: You get a dynamite blow job. Second date: You get another great blow job. Third date: You tell her you will marry her and never get another blow job again!!!!!

GREEK WOMAN: First date: You find out that she’s a chain smoker and heavy drinker, despite the fact that she is under age. Second date: You get her piss drunk and have sex. Third date: You find out that she is a virgin and her dad an 30 uncles are out searching for you with shot gun and a priest to make his daughter a respectable woman. INDIAN WOMAN: First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the wedding date. Third date: Wedding night.

CHINESE WOMAN: First date: You buy her expensive dinner nothing happened. Second date: You buy her a more expensive dinner but nothing happens again. Third date: You don’t get to third date you have already realized that nothing is going to happen.

MALAY WOMAN: First date: You get to touch those big breasts of hers. Second date: You get to go to home base with her, wow. Third date: You promise that you a gonna get circumcised. Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three other times under Muslim Law…..(yahoo)


MR. PRESIDENT

President Clinton got together with some of his golf buddies for a round. When they got ready to tee off on hole No. 1, Clinton removed his golf jacket and revealed that he had a pair of panties stuck to his upper left arm.

Nobody in the group had enough moxie to ask about it, so they played their eighteen holes as usual. When the game was completed, and drinks were flowing profusely at the “19th Hole,” one of the group got enough “Jack Daniel’s” courage, and asked,

“Mr. President, what’s the story on those panties you have stuck to your left arm?”

Clinton replied, “It’s a patch…I’m trying to quit.”


AND FINALLY, NEW, IMPROVED “EMOTICONS”

We’ll call these “assicons”?

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that’s been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

(_E=3Dmc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

. .oo*”””**oo.oo*””*oo..
o*” “*o.o*” “*o.
.o” ‘o” “o
o o *o
.o o ‘o
o o o.
o o o
o o/ o
o –0– o
o. /o o
o o o
o o o
o o oo
oo o oo
oo. oo oo
ooo. .oo. ooo
o “”oo,, ,,oO-‘Oo, ,,,,,oo”o
o. “””””” oo “”””” o
o oo o’
o oo o
o o o* (dimpled chad)
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o

You have just been e-mooned!

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