Humor

Best New Jokes: December 1, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Speak your mind – even if your voice shakes. Well-aimed slingshots can topple giants.


Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.



THERE’S A LESSON HERE SOMEWHERE

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, “I don’t care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.”

The husband said, “What did he say about your 55 year old ass?”

She replied, “Your name never came up.”


By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.


Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.


TODAY’S HISTORY LESSON

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they all agreed that it would be a “silent” debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

“Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

“I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue.”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. “What happened?” they asked.

“Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, ‘Up yours.’

“Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, ‘Mr. Pope, we’re staying right here.’ “

“And then what?” asked a woman.

“Who knows?” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.”


Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.



SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!” the child says, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me!”

Confused, the father asks what’s wrong.

“Oh, dad,” the boy sobs. “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no tooth fairy’ speech.

If you’re going to tell me that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ll have nothing left to live for.


Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.


10 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 60 YEARS TO LEARN:

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

3. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them

4. You should not confuse your career with your life.

5. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

6. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

7. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person!

9. Your friends love you anyway.

10. FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to the women to stomp the juice out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.


Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.


HOW TO THOROUGHLY CLEAN THE TOILET

1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a “power-wash” and “rinse”.)

5. Have someone open the door to the outside. (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

Both the commode and the cat will now be sparkling clean!

Sincerely, The Dog


Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.


BUBBA SUES!

Somewhere in the deep south, Bubba called an attorney and asked, “Is it true they’re suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?”

“Yes, Bubba, that’s true.” answered the lawyer.

“And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries. Is that true, mister lawyer?”

“Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?”

“Cause I was thinking, maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I’ve been waking up with.”


Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.”


Question of the Week: How do you know when your bagpipe needs tuning?


FISHING BETTER THAN SEX?

1. You don’t have to hide your Fishing magazines.

2. It’s perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

3. The Ten Commandments don’t say anything about Fishing.

4. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing in your Whaler, you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

5. Your Fishing partner doesn’t get upset about people you fished with long ago.

6. It’s perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

7. When you see a really good Fisher person, you don’t have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing in a Whaler together.

8. If your regular Fishing partner isn’t available, he/she won’t object if you Fish with someone else.

9. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

10. When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

11. You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

12. There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

13. If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don’t have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

14. Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

15. Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

16. Your Fishing partner will never say, “Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?”


If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.


In a rare moment of candor, Washington
insiders discuss their penis sizes.


Remember that amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

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