Humor

Best New Jokes: August 30, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

OLD WORLD CUSTOMS

Barbra Walters of 60 Minutes did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked about five paces behind their husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are happy with the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, “Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?”

“Land mines,” said the woman.


The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese


FIVE QUESTIONS MOST FEARED BY MEN

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you.”

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I’ve seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question?

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question?

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette and a boat”).


Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.


If Xerox merged with Wurlitzer, they would probably make reproductive organs.


PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHER ARRESTED

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI for carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,” Ashcroft said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘there are three sides to every triangle’.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”


I used to want a car that would stop on a dime. Now I want one that will go on plastic.


COUGH IT UP

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replies.

“I work for Internal Revenue Service.”


Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


RAMBLINGS OF A RETIRED MIND

  • I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can’t afford one so I’m wearing my garage door opener.
  • You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.
  • I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
  • I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
  • I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it “Pumping Rust.”
  • I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease; that’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!
  • You know when people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I wanted to say, “No, it’s for company!”
  • Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “A Good Doctor!”
  • Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
  • I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
  • As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.”


Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.


LIFE IS NOT A JOURNEY TO THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTION OF ARRIVING SAFELY IN A PRETTY AND WELL PRESERVED BODY, BUT RATHER, TO SKID IN BROADSIDE, THOROUGHLY USED UP, TOTALLY WORN OUT, LOUDLY PROCLAIMING :
WOW!—WHAT A RIDE!”


Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.


A SISTER PLAYS GOLF

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

“I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”

“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder.

“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior again.

“Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.

“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, “You missed the f**king putt, didn’t you?”


How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?


DOWN SOUTH

Only a true Southerner has the wisdom to know:

  • The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you “PITCH” one, and you “HAVE” the other.
  • How many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up “a mess.”
  • Can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
  • Exactly how long “directly” is – as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”
  • That “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
  • Exactly when “by and by” is.
  • Grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.
  • That “fixin'” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.


When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.


THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

Two blond guys were employed by the city.

One would dig the hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging the hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I appreciate the effort you are putting into you work, but what’s the story ? You dig the hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again.”

“The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”


99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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