Humor

Best New Jokes: August 2, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

A TRUE FRIEND IS SOMEONE WHO REACHES FOR YOUR HAND ….. AND TOUCHES YOUR HEART.

THE AFTERLIFE

An older Sun City couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, “Mary . . . Mary . ..”

“Is that you, Fred?”

“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

“What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.”

“Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.”

“Not exactly. I’m a rabbit on a golf course in Green Bay, Wis.”


We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually produce a masterpiece. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.


WORLD’S THINNEST BOOKS

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden

AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson

EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN


Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


LOOKING FOR MR. OLDBAR

Dozens of sightings of senior citizens engaged in outdoor sexual activities leads to an investigation of “Looking for Love” classified ads for the senior set.


A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, we have absolutely nothing to go on.”


SOMETIMES SENIOR PREJUDICE WORKS FOR US

They were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money–and it’s fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .. . . “

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here.”


A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”


TOP THREE DARWIN AWARD WINNERS

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ‘bright’ by his peers.

AND THE WINNER…..

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his foursome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own “balls” in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez’s scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles were in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez’s scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

NB: This last one wouldn’t normally count, because the idiot didn’t die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, it was allowed.


An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”


THE FORGOTTEN “R”

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, “We forgot the “R”, we forgot the “R” His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was ‘celebrate’.”


There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.


BIRTH CONTROL FOR THE AGED?

The doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep at night!”

She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee.

“Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me SLEEP at night!”


A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. Lose, don’t lose the lesson.


OH, THOSE CATHOLICS!

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, until he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the next race. Low and behold this horse, a very long shot, won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses paced, and blessed the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a bee-line for the window and placed a small bet on the horse, even though it was another long shot. The horse the priest had blessed won the race!

Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the next race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won!

Mitch, as the day went on, and the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last! Mitch was dumbfounded.

He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father?” All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost! Now I’ve lost my savings, thanks to you!

The priest nodded wisely and said, “That’s the problem with you Protestants. You can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.


A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”


THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then he sighed, “…let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”


Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”

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