Humor

Best New Jokes: April 30, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

WHERE IT’S AT

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”


RELIGIOUS TRUISMS

T
here are three central religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3. Southern Baptists do not recognize each other in a liquor store


FISHING BUDDIES (THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE)

Two good (blond) fishing buddies, Joe and Dave, went up to the mountains to a creek to fish. After they parked the pickup and got out all their fishing gear, Dave said “I’m going to go across the creek and fish upstream.” Joe acknowledged him.

After some time of fishing away from each other, the weather turned bad, the sky turned dark, and it began to rain tremendously. The lightning flashed and the thunder rolled, the creek began to swell and pushed over its banks.

Dave came running down the opposite side of the creek and hollered over to Joe above the thunder, “How do I get across?!”

Joe hollered, “Take off your shoes and socks, roll up your pants, and wade!”

By this time, it was dark. Dave hollered back, “The creek is too high, and you know I can’t swim!”

Joe hollered, “I have an idea. I will go get the flashlight, shine it on the water, and you can walk across on the beam!”

Dave thought about this for a couple of minutes and then hollered back, “That’s no good. I know you — I’ll get halfway across, and you’ll shut it off!”



A WIFE’S ULTIMATE FANTASY

In a recent Harris On-line poll, 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify their wife’s ultimate fantasy. Ninety-three percent of the respondents said that their wife’s ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most of the husbands did not realize that, in this fantasy . . . one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.



DARWIN AWARDS UPDATE

The latest Darwin Awards update… The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have chance to breed.

1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

2. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6′ 2″ tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to an end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12″ long and 3″ in diameter. The tube’s other end was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver’s attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi’s life, the woman lost her own.

5. A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord thathe had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle andthe ground,” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “Major trauma.”

6. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend — no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate — was hospitalized.

7. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked (you can see what’s coming, can’t you?). Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object, that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually
untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ‘bright’ by his peers.


THE LAST WISH

On an Air Jamaica flight from New York to Jamaica, the aircraft passes through a severe storm over the Bahamas. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse until suddenly in the height of the storm one wing of the plane is struck by lightning.

A Yankee woman seated near the front is so scared that she loses it completely. Hysterically, she stands up in the aisle yelling at the top of her lungs: “I’m too young to die! I’m too young to die!!!”. Then she adds, “Well, if I’m going to die, I at least want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of sex in my lifetime, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN at least ONCE before I die??” For a moment there is stunned silence in the cabin. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate Yankee woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a Jamaican stands up in the rear of the plane. “I could make you feel like a woman,” he says in a deep, melodious voice. He’s handsome, tall, well-built, looking good like only a Jamaican could. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The air is electric in the cabin as he approaches the woman, who is now flushed and breathing heavily in anticipation. He removes his shirt. Bulging muscles ripple across his chest, belly and arms as he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

“Iron dis fe meh, nuh?!”



QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, “How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?” She glanced at him casually and replied, “You’re never home!”

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be$3500 for “small,” $6500 for “medium,” and $14,000 for “large.” The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. “Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor. The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen”.

FORGET SEX:A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs…”Honey pack your bags. I won the goddamn lottery”. The husband says “Oh my God!!! No shit! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” The wife yells back “It doesn’t matter, just get the f**k out!!!

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