Humor

Best New Jokes: April 20, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

SINGING SOPRANO

The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. “Where’s
the 3 million dollars you embezzled from me?” demands the gangster.

The accountant is silent.

”Where’s my three million?” the crime boss shouts.

The lawyer explains, “Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate.”

So, using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the
money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows
nothing about it.

Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the deaf
accountant’s head. Screaming at the lawyer, “Ask him where my money
is!”

”Okay, okay” the accountant signs back. “The money’s hidden behind the
old tool shed in my back yard” he signs back.

”What did he say?” demands the crime boss.

The attorney relies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the
trigger.”


THE FACTS OF LIFE:

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bullshit before.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
to others.

Paul’s Law: You can’t fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid, too.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel
happy to be on your way.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not
be evenly distributed.


HEAVEN AND HELL

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a
car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due
to the wife’s neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath
suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed”, the old man asked Peter
how much all this was going to cost.

”It’s free,” Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven.”

Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course the home
backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each
week the course changed to a new one representing the great
golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

”This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You play for free.”

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch
with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.

”How much to eat?” asked the old man.

”Don’t you understand yet?” St. Peter asked. “This is heaven.
It’s free!”

”Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man
asked timidly.

”That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you
like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

The old man looked at his wife and said, “You and your fucking bran
muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!”


REALLY WORTHLESS FACTS

A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.

The verb “cleave” is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

The word “Checkmate” in chess comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat,” which means, “the king is dead”.

Pinocchio is Italian for “pine head.”

Camel’s milk does not curdle.

All porcupines float in water.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was called “American Pie.” (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4,950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “Its A Wonderful Life.”

”Stewardesses” is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

Gilligan of Gilligan’s Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper’s real name on Gilligan’s Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio’s newscast about the wreck.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

The Sanskrit word for “war” means “desire for more cows.”


WHOOPS!

A guy just died and he’s at the pearly gates, waiting to be
admitted, while St. Peter is leafin’ through this Big Book to
see if the guy is worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his
brow and says to the guy, ‘You know, I can’t see that you
ever did anything really bad in
your life, but you never did anything really good either. If
you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED — you’re in.’

The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Yeah, there was this
one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant
group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my
car to see what was going on and sure enough,
there they were, about 50 of ’em harassing this terrified
young woman.

Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of
my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy
with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his
nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs
formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader’s chain
off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire
iron. Laid him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of
them, ‘Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You’re all a
bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you
all a lesson in pain!”

St. Peter, impressed, says, ‘Really? When did this happen?’

’Oh, about two minutes ago.’


THE ULTIMATE CHAIN LETTER (AND LAST ONE YOU’LL GET FROM ME)

This chain letter was started by a gentleman in the hopes of bringing
relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters,
this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of
your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your
wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top
of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn
comes, you will receive 15,625 women.

One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the
writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women,
four of whom were worth keeping. REMEMBER–this chain brings luck. One
man’s pit bull died, and the next day he received a Sports Illustrated
swimsuit model. An unmarried Turkish man living with his widowed mother
was able to choose between a well-educated, sweet coed who could both
work and not be too tired for fun, and a very attractive and highly
successful plastic surgeon who just happened to be a nymphomaniac.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the
chain and got his wife back

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