Even though my 70th birthday is rapidly approaching I have to say, in all truth, that I don’t much like senior citizens.
For the majority of them on one magical day, their 65th birthday, a transformation begins. In a few short years, it changes them from polite reasonable people into obnoxious, rude, greedy, inconsiderate, intolerant, self-centered individuals.
They don’t give a damn about anyone other than themselves. I could never live in a retirement community. If I had to live totally surrounded by the blue-haired, support hose brigade, I would undoubtedly turn into a mass murderer or end up sucking on a gas pipe.
Here are just a few of my life experiences that have turned me against my peers.
Senior Discount Day
I never go to the grocery store on Wednesday, senior discount day. The few times that I did, I left there so damned mad that I had to make a choice. I could either go over to the bar and have a couple of stiff ones or going home and kick the dog.
On senior discount day, it takes at least twenty minutes to breach the Berlin wall of shopping carts in front of the meat counter. The old folks are all standing there in a trance looking at the meat before making their selections. After they leave the meat counter, their next stop is in front of the dairy case.
Therefore, it takes you at least ten minutes to just get a gallon of milk. If you dare to say excuse me and try to get them to move, they look at you like they caught you raping their granddaughters. You couldn’t move them with a bulldozer until they are damn good and ready to move on.
The rest of your shopping is running an obstacle course of aisles. They’re all blocked by people either talking to others or picking up each item and looking at it before putting it back on the shelf. No way in hell will they keep their carts on the side of the aisle so someone could get past them. They’re right down the middle and screw everyone else.
It takes the average senior at least three minutes to decide which can of soup they want. For Christ’s sake, Campbell’s noodle soup is Campbell’s noodle soup, so what difference does it make which can you take; they are all the same. Your best bet on senior discount day is to park your cart in front of the baby food. Then you can sneak down the aisles, grab what you need, and get the hell out of there.
When you do finally make it to the checkout, there is always some old doll in front of you. She waits until her purchases are rung up to dig into her purse. She’ll come up with an envelope full of those wonderful coupons she got in the mail or cut out of the paper. It takes her quite a bit of time to go through them and find the ones that apply. She watches the cashier like a hawk to make she gets every penny she is entitled to. If one of the coupons won’t scan because it is about a year past its expiration date, she throws a fit. She’ll claim she got it in the mail the week before.
Only after she is satisfied that the clerk has done things right, she digs through her purse to pull out her checkbook. She writes a check and takes five minutes to balance it. The bag boy is standing there with a look on his face like she had better hurry up so he can get her stuff to her car before he pisses in his pants.
In the meantime, there is some old codger behind you who keeps bumping you with his cart. He is convinced that you are the one that is slowing things up. You’re stopping him from getting up to the register. He thinks you’re pulling the same kind of crap the old harridan did. It takes all of your will power to keep yourself from kicking the old broad in the ass and punching the geezer’s lights out.
When you get to your car and try to pull out, there is usually some old fool who is blocking you. They’re sitting and waiting for a parking place to open up closer to the door. Honking doesn’t do a damn thing; you have to resign yourself to wait along with them. I only do our grocery shopping at lunchtime on other weekdays when most of the other seniors are over at the local senior center devouring ninety-cent lunches.
Dollar Store Raffles
We have a dollar store in town that gives you a ticket for a raffle for twenty dollars worth of free merchandise with every purchase. The drawing is every Saturday morning. I made the mistake of stopping one Saturday morning this spring to get some paper goods. I couldn’t get through the damn door for all the old folks waiting to see if they won. Luckily, I had other errands to run. When I went back past it looked safe, so I went in and got what I needed.
When I was checking out, I asked the clerk if it was always like that on Saturday morning. Her answer was “God yes, this morning was quieter than normal”. She went on to tell me that all week long seniors come and buy something for under a dollar just to get a ticket. Quite a few will buy one cheap item, check out, get a ticket, and put their purchase in their car. They then come back in and buy something else to get another ticket. Quite a few will make five to ten trips in and out to improve their chance to get something for free. Looks like after 65 anything goes.
Senior Clinic Visits
Once a month I have to take my disabled wife into the clinic. She needs blood work and to get a check on her temperature, respiratory function, and blood pressure. The waiting room always has about fifteen members of the poly-grip platoon who got there at least an hour before their appointments. They arrive for the free coffee, doughnuts, and muffins in the morning and cookies and punch in the afternoon.