Senior Stories

Enjoy this collection of Suddenly Senior columns

In Case You Missed Out…Enjoy These Recent Suddenly Senior Columns

A FRESH AND FUNNY LOOK AT SENIORDOM.

“I think my sexpiration date has expired!”

SENIOR SEX Gramps Doing It!

SENIOR NOSTALGIA Remember? Dating in the ‘50s and other lies

SENIOR TRIVIA Are you “older than dirt?” Take these quizzes


SENIOR SEX…

Have Sex Like You Did 50 Years Ago!

The real pièce de résistance, though, was that first line of defense no mother would let her daughter out without the dreaded girdle.

Are You Ever Too Old For an Orgy?

Not if today’s seniors have anything to say about it. We may embarrass our kids and shock the neighbors, but wrinkly Romeos and sagging seductresses are just carrying on a time-honored tradition.

Sex After Death? Heaven Forbid!

As we slip and slide toward the inevitable, is there a senior among us who hasn’t pondered the possibility of hot sex beyond those pearly gates? Eternity is a long time to go without a good roll in the hay.

In Praise of Older Women

An older, single woman usually has had her fill of “meaningful relationships” and “commitment.” Can’t relate? Can’t commit? She could care less. The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!

NOSTALGIA…

Lessons I Should Have Learned From My Mother

I”As is the mother, so is her daughter.” — Ezekiel 16:44

When Drugstores were Drugstores

If you grew up when neighborhood drugstores sold little but medicine and sodas, when prescriptions cost 67 cents, and when Lime Rickeys, Green River, Lydia Pinkhams and Hadacol were “the mostest,” this column’s for you.

The Last Oldsmobile

Many of us lost a dear friend on April 29, 2004, as the final Oldsmobile rolled off the assembly line. The oldest automotive brand name in US history died at age 106. What are your Olds memories? I share some of mine.

A Geezer’s B-17 Flight into History

A story of heroics exactly 60 years ago. Meet pilot, John McLaughlin, then fly the restored WWII B-17 bomber Fuddy Duddy. Climb aboard. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

My Love Affair with the Hepburn Women

Here’s why I think Katharine and Audrey were the two standout artists of the 20th Century. It certainly wasn’t just their good looks and charm.

The Greatest Generation?

My friend Dom DiCarlo thought he’d find fame and fortune when he joined the Navy in 1939. Instead, he witnessed Pearl Harbor and confronted his own true heroism.

Forever Ain’t What It Used To Be

Remember? You were going to live forever. Today, the you that you think you are and the you that others see are unrecognizable one to the other. Trust me on this. Read Frank’s belated valentine to the Class of 1953.

Moments Of Our Lives

Pearl Harbor. Jack Kennedy’s assassination. Sept. 11. Moments in our lives that live forever. Here are a few of mine.

Heavy Groping at the StarLite Drive-in

Were drive-in movies of the ‘40s and ‘50s the sexually unrestrained “passion pits” of yore? Or is all that our inner teenager’s imagination?

A Tip of the Hat To a Proud American Tradition

Wearing that 1957 hat made me feel like an adult for the first time in my life. It told the world that I was now a man of substance, someone not to be trifled with.

Where Did All Our Front Porches Go?

Every evening you’d find my extended family out there recalling their days, catching up on the news, greeting and often sharing the evening’s dessert of rhubarb pie with passing neighbors.

My Father’s Brief Affair

It was Jezebel, beautiful, sensuous and forbidden, a wanton mistress that threatened the very stability and sanctity of marriage.

Prejudiced? Me?

My father was a bigoted fool. I had no prejudices whatsoever. A look at why we hate who we hate. And how blind we are when it comes to our own intolerance.

Radioland Revisited

From radio, I learned that hard work, discipline and stick-to-itiveness were essential to marital bliss.

The Green Bomb

It wasn’t much on looks. It had more miles on it than God. The clutch slipped, the rear shocks didn’t work, and inside it smelled like someone died. But that ’39 Studebaker was my first car, my first true love.

Remember When Service Stations Gave Service?

What a quaint concept! In this day of $2-a-gallon gas, imagine getting actual service at a service station. Today, it’s as bizarre a notion to anyone under 40 as a gentleman’s tipping his hat to a lady. Yet, 40 years ago, both were part of everyday America. Here’s what happened.

My First Date: Girls’ Choice

I was not smitten, just embarrassed. Naomi’s glass eye glittered, eager for my attention. And as the girl already had well-developed breasts, I had nowhere to look except at our feet or the ceiling.


BATTLES WE WAGE…

Death of Bin Laden

“I did not celebrate when Usama bin Laden was killed. I did, however, commend the Navy Seals who did the job, a job that had to be done.”Governed By The Despicable”Pardon me, as a geezer and a Regular Army veteran, while I rant a bit. Rant about the despicable men and women who govern us in the Congress and White House today — every one of them, Republican, Democrat, and Independent.”

Japan’s Other Disaster: Seniors

The suicide rate among seniors in Japan was extraordinarily high for many, many years until the Japanese government undertook several social programs to provide proper care for the elderly 20-25 years ago.

It’s A Sure Bet!

The tougher times get, the more you hear the word slip from the lips of politicians. The word is “gambling,” sometimes with the “bl” dropped to soften it into “gaming.”

Playing With Words

I think it is the repeat of President Barrack Obama’s promise to “veto all earmarks” that Congress sends him, that brought to mind the great lexicon we live with in our version of the English language.

Now They’ve Taxed My cat!

How did the local government know I had a cat? The veterinarian was the only source of that information and must have reported it to the government. Big Brother is apparently alive and well in the cat business.

Is Your Square Getting Larger Or Smaller?

“To me, it’s clear that our standard of living is declining once again.”

Carolyn Beats the Reaper. Again?

On the evening of October 3rd, Carolyn pretty much reached the point of no return.

Trick Or Truth?

Were they tricking me or telling me the truth? I don’t know. Did I give them anything? Yes, a dollar here, a buck there and some change out of my pocket.

Last Refuge for the Untalented

“I hate to say this, but we look at the law firms who have been the biggest donors to our efforts and go knocking on their door. We simply ask them, ‘Who do you have you can spare?'”

Seniors Take Another Hit From Washington

While it has been rumored for a while that the nearly 60 million Americans who draw Social Security benefits may find them frozen again this year it has finally been confirmed by Washington that there will be no Social Security cost-of-living increase in 2011.

Building Better Communities

I was fortunate to be brought up during my early years by a grandfather and grandmother who placed community above self in their daily lives. Some Towns Are Just Made For Geezers!Some towns are just made for geezers. One of my favorites is Savannah, Ga. Savannah has everything close at hand, relatively inexpensive and comfortable, to keep you occupied between naps for as long as you want.

Polling – Just Whome Are Pollsters Talking To?

When is the last time you got a call from someone taking a poll that didn’t want to sell you a free weekend in a time-share resort about 10 miles west of paradise? I know a lot of people, but few, if any, have ever gotten a call from a legitimate pollster if such an animal really exists.

Falling Down the Donut Hole? What Now?

Two, no three actions you can take to help your pocketbook. While Congress has you between a rock and a sick place, this could save you both money and health.

Geezers’ Guide to Bribery for Fun and Profit

Tired of getting 5% interest? Here’s how to get 50,000%, just like the big guys. And how to save democracy while you’re at it.

To Sign, or Not to Sign? What to do by May 15th

Lifetime penalties await all those seniors who delay doing the bidding of our government. Is that any way to treat fellow Americans? Read the alternatives to this sorry mess.

Plan D, for Divorce?

When Gloria and Russ Tuttle married, they couldn’t imagine that, four years later, a Medicare drug plan might force them to divorce. A love story, American-style.

Seniors Bankrupting America?

Greedy geezers get blamed for all America’s financial ills these days. What with gazillions going for Social Security, Medicare, and a host of other programs promoting greed and sloth among us old poops, seems there’s hardly anything left for political pork, corporate welfare, and war.

Do You Have the Stuff to be a Raging Granny?

Gaggles of Raging Grannies all across the US and Canada promote global peace, justice, and social and economic equality by raising public awareness through the medium of song and humor. If only guys could join.

Seniors ‘Mad as Hell, Not Going to Take It Anymore’

When Plan D insurance companies let greed dictate service, seniors became exasperated by the wanton gall of it all. Seems time to demonstrate to America that we still remember that democracy is a government of, by, and especially, for the people.

How to Fix Plan D Overnight

I called my Congressman today to ask him how big his donut hole is. Guess what? He doesn’t have a donut hole. Nor does he have to pay out of pocket for drugs not covered. In fact, the People’s House lives by very different rules than you and I. Is that fair? Read Frank’s modest proposal.

Aliens in Congress

Wouldn’t that explain a lot? Who else but aliens, posing as “representatives of the people,” would dismiss their constituents’ biggest problems, listening only to and voting only for those who give them big money? For proof, read Plan D!

Disgusted with Plan D? Congress Suggests Plan C.

While Medicare’s Plan D sinks under the weight of political bribes and drug and insurance giveaways, a recent Congressional report concludes the drug prices offered by Part D drug plans are “over 60 percent higher than the prices available to consumers in Canada…almost 3 percent higher than the prices available at Costco.”

Blame AARP For Plan D’s Many Shortcomings

Learn how and why AARP lies to us about Medicare‘s Plan D. Instead of fighting for seniors, AARP throws us to the HMO wolves and builds power on our good names. In turn we are rewarded with the occasional hotel discount.

Taking Medicare Plan By The Horns This Senior Gets Gored

Frank takes you along as he attempts to negotiate the shoals of Medicare’s drug plan, both online and by phone. Hold your nose. It stinks every bit as bad as everyone says.

What You Haven’t Read about the New Medicare Drug Plan Could Hurt You

Here’s the latest on Plan D, including much that you never read before. Cuts right through all the disinformation out there to the truth.

Plan D – For Deceitful

A tale of woe. Complete with a compelling moral. Where Medicare becomes Medican’t, and when all forget The Rule, wailing and gnashing of teeth are heard throughout the land.

How Seniors Can Help Victims of Katrina, Rita & Congress

Who pays for the hurricanes? Here’s an idea! It costs nothing but a bit of “senior sacrifice” that actually saves us from the worst deal for Americans since The Great Depression.

The Medicare Drug Bill, Simplified for Seniors Dumb as Me

Who saves? Who doesn’t? Here’s a look behind the gobbledygook at exactly what you can expect under the new Medicare drug bill. I, for one, will have nothing to do with it. I’ll lose way too much money.

“How Many More Must Die?”

I first wrote those words in 1968. Today we face the same challenge: A war we can’t win. Our government is blinded by imperial fantasy, corporate greed and neocon arrogance. Here’s a way out. Can we take it before thousands more die?

Drug Giveaways Often Painful, But Worth It

Big Pharma wants to give you free medicine! Proof that even corporate bullies like to be liked. Here’s where to call and what to do. Get into a patient assistance program. Before it’s too late!

Even Medicare Clueless About Drug Bill

Medicare’s new handbook forgets to mention the $2,850 “Donut Hole.” Congress forgets to be fair. And seniors everywhere are bending over to kiss their healthy asses goodbye.

Rolling the Dice with Our Social Security

Why is Washington scaring the hell out of us seniors proposing the plundering our nation’s most reliable anti-poverty program and providing Wall Street with the spoils? One guess will do.

Through a Revolving Door, Smiling

A short, cautionary tale about how to make millions playing the Washington Game to the detriment of seniors and our country. Tommy Thompson on the carpet.

Will We Ever Learn Auschwitz’ Lessons?

In a bloodstained barrack, I stood stunned. My fellow Americans had just shunned me, exiling me in this place where 1.6 million were exiled and killed by similar actions and thought.

Bush Presses Canada to Stop Rx to US

Soon, Canada may prohibit its pharmacies from shipping to the US. But if you need affordable drugs, you’ll still get them through your trusted Canadian pharmacist.

“Medicare Advantage”: To Whom?

Like its predecessor, Medicare+Choice, the new Medicare Advantage program seems to outshine plain old Medicare just as Congress intended. Could it be another attempt to kill Medicare, putting seniors at the mercy of the profit-hungry HMOs?

Terri’s Ordeal Split Both Family and Country

A hard look at Jugglers for Jesus, police snipers, one woman’s wishes and her husband’s thankless, even dangerous task to fulfill them in the midst of spectacular hypocrisy and stunning sadness. Rest in peace, Terri.

R.I.P. A Cautionary Tale

Since 1990, while Terri Schiavo was trapped in a purgatory of the living dead, posturing politicians play God. The lesson: Sign a Living Will. Now!

The Great Canadian War of 2006

Because it was over almost before it started, many now wonder what this war was really all about. Was this a case of “Wag the Dog?” And, why did Canada add the word “Great?”

The Last Word on Medicare Discount Cards

Absolutely, positively, the last column I’ll write on the new Medicare discount drug cards. Tells you everything you need to know and a whole lot more.

Fired, at 63!

Frank’s wife, Carolyn, just got canned. Why? Who knows? Her manager yelled, “Get your ass the hell out of here!” Read what it’s like, what we can do about it when it happens. Medicare Discount Cards:

Son of Scam

Does our government think we turn into fools at age 65? Although there’s little but confusion in this latest drug card trick, there are a few gems for low-income seniors.

Score One for the Good Guys!

All your letters and calls paid off yesterday when the administration announced that it is quitting the fight against affordable imported drugs. Three cheers! Now we must get S.2328 passed.

Go, Granny D, Go!

After walking 3,200 miles across the US on a one-woman crusade for campaign finance reform, this remarkable woman runs for the Senate. We should all have this much spunk.

Meet Greed, Inc. A Senior’s Nightmare.

A hard, provocative look at Big Pharma. How their abusive and immoral practices threaten us all. And how they’re now blocking affordable drugs from Canada, then lying about it.

How Washington Solved the “Medicare Problem”

Sheer genius! With the Bush Administration’s steady hand on the helm, we have nothing to worry about. Still, I have these nagging doubts.

Medicare’s Discount Cards Dealt from Bottom of Deck

Finally, the truth about the much-touted Medicare Discount Drug Cards. Could Congress even make a bill that more thoroughly screws seniors and further enriches drug companies and HMOs?

It’s Not Nice to Screw with Grandma

The Federal Drug Administration is at war with seniors. The USFDA is America’s very own terrorist organization. Its lies on behalf of the thuggish and greedy drug companies are costing us billions. Costing us lives, too.

A Swan Song for Medicare

All about traitors — both in Congress and at AARP — and the final death rattle of an idea that could have saved countless thousands of senior lives and immeasurable suffering: physical, financial, and emotional.

Cheap and Free Drugs Here’s Where to Get Them

Print and save this! Here’s the scoop on saving big at drug companies’ Patient Assistant Programs, the VA, discount cards, HMOs, generics, even Canadian pharmacies. Up to date as of Feb. 2004.

Confessions of an Old War Protester

Most American men over 55 served in uniform. A look back on what it was like. And, an answer to the question: How can some vets be against this current war?

How to Positively Change Your World

Here’s “How to Start Something – 101” against the drug manufacturers and all the other big money that pay for your representatives to vote against your vital interests in Congress. It’s easy. It’s fun. It’s courageous.

The 10-Million Geezer March

Here’s the best plan yet to give the 10 million seniors who now must choose between food and medicine the Medicare plan they need to avoid sickness and early death. Come join us for a spirited march on Washington!

When Will AARP Grow Some Balls?

With 37 million members and a budget of $750 million, you’d think AARP would have the clout to get us an essential Medicare drug benefit. Trouble is, it never asks. Read why.

Senior Drug Benefit Stinks Like a Pandering Politician

Talk about Medicare fraud! Congress and the President are pulling off the hoodwink of the century. It’s a $890-billion swindle. And you and I are the victims. Read the sad facts, and how to act now to save your money and perhaps your life.

Drug Firms Add Canada to the Axis of Evil

Just when our neediest brother and sister seniors find a place to buy more affordable drugs, the pharmaceutical industry threatens to cut them off, endangering the health of millions.

Seniors Must Drink a Different COLA

Wonder why your 2003 Social Security increase is so cheesy? Here’s how Congress is screwing us seniors once again, this time by not measuring our Social Security inflation index by realistic senior expenses.

This Other War is All About YOU

We seniors are under attack like never before. In their insatiable lust for profit, the pharmaceutical industry vultures have become so bold, so arrogant in their grab for riches, they now menace the fiscal and physical health of most seniors. Here’s what to do.

Make a New Year’s Resolution That Makes a Difference

This year, instead of forgotten diets and abandoned exercise programs, resolve to save the world.

Canada: Your Prescription for Lower Drug Prices

Here’s exactly how to save 40 percent or more ó sometimes much more ó on your prescription drugs. (I just saved $583.27 for three month’s medicine!)

How to Get Cheap, Even Free Drugs

Congress lies when it says it wants to pass a Medicare drug benefit this year. Fortunately, drug companies now offer cheap, even free pharmaceuticals pretty much for the asking to those seniors who need them most.

Who’ll Vote When We’re Gone?

Since senior citizens are about the only ones voting these days, who’ll vote when we’re gone? Frank suggests that seniors must save our democracy once again.

Terrorizing Telemarketers

Here’s how to make telemarketers the source of humor and joy in your life, while creating shock and awe in theirs. Plus a not so trivial way to make big bucks off them as well.

Seniors, Uncle Sam Wants You!

Looking for a way to help the war effort? We geezers could win the war fast if President Bush would only follow this advice.

Making Maturity Pay

For those seniors wanting or needing to work, bagging groceries or asking, “Do you want fries with that?” often are the only career opportunities available. Here are five sites that help you get back to work for at least a living wage, often more.

As Seen on TV

If you’re a senior, you grew up with the beginnings of TV. In 1960, FCC Chairman Newton Minow condemned the medium as a “vast wasteland.” A nostalgic look at then and now. Is today any better?

How Seniors Can Win Back America

Can you think of a better way to spend your retirement than as a patriotic revolutionary, saving democracy for the world?

If All Is Not Lost, Where Is It?

Can you remember when a promise made was a promise kept? When politicians were actually listened to and believed? Frank does. And he reminds us of what we’re missing today.

What Ever Happened to “Respect Your Elders?”

Soon, it’ll come to bumper stickers reading “Seniors: The Other White Meat.”

Let’s Hear It for the Silent Generation

Some 49 million of us came of age just too late to be war heroes and just too early to be youthful free spirits. Is there hope for us yet?

Operation ‘Space Camp. ‘Seniors’ Final Solution?

Is this Uncle Sam’s secret plan for getting rid of everyone over 65?

Ready to Throw in the Towel?

Don’t just stop, give up, and fall into invisibility. Get involved. Help out. Be instrumental in change for the good.

When Will TV Get Real?

Mention the senior market and even veteran admen and women conjure Mr. Whipple squeezing Charmin while Clara chortles “Where’s the beef?” They haven’t a clue that most of us are rich, free-spending active consumers.

Dinosaur for Hire

Maybe F. Scott Fitzgerald was right when he said, “There are no second acts in American lives.” But look at Cher, Tony Bennett, and The Supremes. John Glenn. The Volkswagen Beetle, for crying out loud. If they can do it, why can’t I?


HAVING FUN…

Crossing The Pond

There is nothing quite like a transatlantic voyage to still your soul.

Football Revival

Fall is one of my favorite seasons because I love football. The problem with being a Geezer living on a limited income is that I can’t afford the tickets for the big games anymore.

Aging Tarzans, Janes Discover Why Americans Love Costa Rica

From the primeval rainforests and volcanoes to the ever-smiling, waving and helpful Ticos, Frank and Carolyn explore this Central American democracy and find it fascinating from Atlantic to Pacific. Inexpensive, too.

Amazing China: Travel’s Best-Kept Secret of 2005

Today’s China is the safest, friendliest, and most fascinating country you can visit this year. Frank and Carolyn just returned from what Frank calls their “Spoiled Rotten in China” tour.

China Smiles!

Carolyn, Frank’s wife and traveling companion to China last year, provides her impressions of this fast-changing nation, probably the friendliest, safest, and most interesting place you’ll ever visit.


CHRISTMAS/NEW YEAR 2003-04

A look back with gratitude at a year when readership reached one million when we giggled and laughed at ourselves and scared the hell out of Congress and AARP.

Check this out!


Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

Sex After 60

(Probably a very short column)Of course, many of the younger generation, including our sons and daughters, find it disgusting that Granny and Gramps could still be doing it. “More than you think,” says Frank. “Much more!”

The Key to Great Senior Sex

What really catches my eye is the dazzling red type across from the photo saying, “Your Penis Shrinks 19.8% as you get older due to deficiency of testosterone!”

90, the new 2?

Magazines now push seniors to be younger, more energetic, more robust. “70 is the new 50!” If 75-year-old Sean Connery is now the “Sexist Man Alive,‘ I’ll have what he’s having. If not, maybe we should simply act our age and enjoy life.

When Wild Oats Turn Into Prunes and All Bran

One minute you’re a male sex object, the next, you’re a lecherous old fart with bad breath, bad teeth, and probably badly in need of Viagra.

Looking for Mr. Oldbar

Dozens of sightings of senior citizens engaged in outdoor sexual activities leads to an investigation of “Looking for Love” classified ads for the senior set.

Taking It All Off for GeezerCam

With WebCams for everything else, it’s time for GeezerCam. The camera could follow my every movement from the times I get up in the middle of the night to pee right through my exciting day until my wife and I shake hands at bedtime. Eye-popping? You bet!

“Hey, Cutie Pie. I’ve Got Viagra!” A Look at Today’s Senior Dating.

Dating, the second time around, has its pitfalls. Senior men seem to believe mature women want nothing more than a warm body who doesn’t miss the toilet too often. Senior women claim they’re lucky to find a man who can remember where he left his teeth. Learn the ugly truth here.


DEAR SUDDENLY SENIOR…

Thus begins yet another service from Suddenly Senior. Experts Flo and Moe respond to readers’ deepest concerns. Learn about a wife’s dilemma with her clicker-happy husband, even orgies, octogenarian-style.

It’s all at Flo & Moe Answer Your Pressing Problems.


THE JOYS OF GETTING OLDER…

Car Shopping – A New Retirement Sport

About once a year I take my wife car shopping. It’s one of the greatest sports I’ve found to occupy a few hours of our leisure time, a more or less inexpensive Sport of Kings if you can keep it all in perspective.

Finding Love Online: Thoughts On Valentine’s Day

Perhaps you’re simply seeking new friends to socialize with, go to dinner, go dancing, to the theater, movies or ball games. Whomever you seek, you can likely find that person on a dating website more easily than the traditional options.

My 15 Minutes of Fame as the Poster Girl for Menopause

Just when I thought my dolce vita was over
Time magazine put me on their cover – And suddenly my life got a fresh start

A Day in the Life of a Geezer

Another in Suddenly Senior‘s series “The Real Truth About Getting Old,” Kaiser takes you to his urologist, then his ophthalmologist where you’ll learn more than you ever wanted to know.

Geezer-Eating Pythons Invade Florida

As if we didn’t have enough problems down here. In addition to ever more savage hurricanes, rapacious developers, and arguably the most venal politicians on earth, Florida now claims the title, Python Capital of the Nation.

Trading Faces Under the Volcano

Twelve days after Carolyn’s 65th birthday, she was getting a new, younger face sculpted in a Costa Rican hospital. For about a fifth the US cost, she had a US-trained, board-certified doctor, the best hospital she’d ever seen, and recuperation under a volcano in the rain forest.

Drive Till You Drop

In Florida, geezers rule. If a politician wants to stop us from driving, we just shoot him. It’s the law down here.

Senior Moments? Enjoy them.

Here’s everything you ever wanted to know about senior moments and their cause, and surefire advice on what to do about them.

From Plugs to Rugs: Geezer’s Guide to Baldness

HEY CHROME-DOME! Here’s everything you‘ve wanted to know about rugs, but were afraid to ask. Step aside, Fabio. Big, bad and sexy BaldMan is here!

Nova Scotia Reveals Autumn’s Senior Secrets

A view of fall, life, and death from Nova Scotia in autumn. Is being a geezer a prelude to death or the most spectacular time of life?

Are Seniors Rude? Or Just Honest.

A recent study claims geezers are rude compared with young adults. It found that see nothing wrong in asking about a friend’s hemorrhoids, bankruptcy, or recent marital infidelity across a crowded dinner table. Read the truth about this phenom here.

Ah, To Be A Kid Today. In Florida.

Back in our day, school was, well, a bore. Today, teachers on bikes seduce 14-year-old boys, science teachers share their home-grown pot, and soon Florida students can shoot bullies, teachers, even parents pretty much at will.

Eek! I’ve Got 19 Years to Liv

I just learned I’d live to age 88. But do I really want to? And what must I give up to end up looking like Yoda? Learn the dilemma of old age, and while you’re at it, how old you’ll be when you croak.

Got a License for That Comb-Over?

Some men even use their ear and nose hairs to camouflage their bald spots. Frank wonders, what should he do? A Trump? A Giuliani? A Yul? And who knew comb-overs are patented?

Does Flu Vaccine Cure Grumpiness?

Blame it on the flu vaccine shortage. Senior men are getting loopier every day. AARP says the cause is male menopause. Frank thinks it’s the gazillion political ads we’ve been forced to endure.

Granny Looks Back

Frank’s wife, Carolyn, finds (to her horror!) her mother’s words pouring from her mouth as she threatens a grandson with a bath. The words have no effect. Years ago, they had no effect on Carolyn. Or, before that, on her mother. Is this in our DNA? Did our Neanderthal forebears use the same empty phrases?

Apologies to My Youngest Grandchildren

My generation’s made a mess of things. Sorry, but it’s up to you to reclaim democracy. Here’s how to start.

Are We Ever Old Enough to Know Better?

As we age, you’d think we’d get wiser. Make fewer mistakes. Transcend foolishness. But it doesn’t work that way. Read why.

Look Beyond Wrinkles. And Learn.

Meet my neighbor, Mary. She’s 91 and proves life can be most beautiful at its sunset. I want to be just like Mary when I grow up. Read why.

May Your Last Check Bounce Before You Die

Did we retire just to continue working hard, still not smelling the roses? Seems that Frank did. His pathetic life needs help and it needs it now. Any takers?

Congress. Carolyn’s Perfect Job?

Frank’s wife, Carolyn, got fired. At 63, where can she go for a job that won’t discriminate because of her age? How about Congress? Great pay. Terrific benefits. Frank tells all you need to know to get in.

When Did You Start Talking to Yourself

We know your little secret. Aren’t you a bit long in the tooth to be chatting with an imaginary friend? Isn’t talking to yourself a sign of insanity? Before the white-coat boys with nets start heading your way, read this.

Sanity Trumps Vanity at 50th Class Reunion

After swearing never to attend another high school reunion, I find redemption, forgiveness, and joy in the Class of ’53. The story of a class finally coming of age.

My 15 Seconds of Fame

Andy Warhol was right. My 15 minutes of fame came just last week when I was on CBS Evening News. What’s it like to go from anonymous old coot to Wunderkind, and live to tell about it? Perhaps not what you’d think.

Now That I Finally Have My Head Together, My Body is Falling Apart

I’ve given up all my bad habits, and what’s my reward for now leading a dull life? A shrinking bladder and a prostate bigger than a 20-year-old’s ego. I’d say more, but I have to go.

When Did We Get Old?

Was it our first “senior moment.” Our first gray hair? The first time our spouse whispered, “Dear, you already said that?” Revelations from my college reunion last week.

And What Will Be Your Epitaph?

It’s never too early to begin thinking about what you want people to read about you into perpetuity. Yet most of us give more thought to our choice of screensavers. Here are some tips and examples, good and bad, to help you choose how people will think of you 200 years down the road.

The First Rule of Geezerdom

There is one rule of senior living that’s as immutable as gravity, God’s Commandments, or Star Trek’s Prime Directive. Learn what it is and how to cope. It’s all here.

Cataract Surgery: A Real Eye Opener

Instead of a nightmare with knives in my eyes, cataract surgery is the most painlessly effective medical procedure this side of childhood inoculations. Best of all, it scares the grandkids!

On Turning 65

I myself have a full head of hair, good looks, great muscle tone, and the flattest belly this side of the Fifth Street Gym. Why that 65-year-old guy in the mirror let himself go so, I have no idea. But he ought to be ashamed.

Exploring Where No Man Has Gone Before

My colonoscopy and endoscopy procedures were broken down into three stages: Bathroom; Biopsy; and Babbling. Read detailed do’s and don’ts about these lifesaving tests that push your humility, dignity, and humor to their limits. Bottoms up!

Resolved: Be Curmudgeonly in 2006

You’ve been nice all your life. Time to express your true nature. Make your New Year’s Resolution to be a pain in the butt in 2006. It’s fun. People expect it of you. If you’re a geezer, this is a resolution you’ll have no trouble keeping!

Invisibility? When Did I Turn Invisible?

If you haven’t had an invisible moment, you will. By the time you’re 85, hardly anyone ever sees you.

Feeling Like 30 Again.

“I’m still shaken when young girls look right through me. I forget that I’m bald now.” Not to mention a belly that only his wife could consider cute.

Incredible, Shrinking Me

Have you started shrinking yet? You will. Here’s a strong case for requiring a course called “Aging Process 101” to be taken some time before we must learn by doing.

How to Add 5 Years to Your Life

(Sure you deserve to?)

Straight from the wise pages of Esquire. What you can do for your heart, your skin, your knees, your mouth, your eyes, and your brain to add five years to your life. It’s so e-a-s-y.

Do You Really Want to Live Forever?

Through molecular manipulations, doctors soon will be switching off so-called death genes, reversing aging by craftily messing with chromosome caps, and creating replacement organs on demand. Consider the downside of longevity.

What Women Should Know by the Time They’re Senior

Three hundred eighty words as wise as any you’ll read this year.

What Older Women Want in a Man

We asked. Do women’s standards decrease as they age? You might be surprised at what we learned. From men, too.

Aging Gracefully? Stop it!

Aging gracefully is a myth. Perpetrated by cosmetic hucksters and megavitamin pushers, it falls into the same category of lies as no regrets, such as “I’m 80 now, and looking back, I have no regrets.”

Bored at 80? Have a Baby!

At 80, Star Trek’s Scotty has a new baby. Is this guy nuts, or what? Beam me up, Daddy.

Were the “Good Old Days” Really so Good?

We got married first, then slept together. Service stations had service. Fast food was what our Catholic friends ate during Lent. “Made in Japan” meant junk, and “making out” referred to how you did on your math exam.

Santa’s Retiring. Any Takers?

Hundreds of years of wear and tear have left Santa with a sore back and bunions. As it is for the rest of us, it’s time Santa retires. Next year, Christmas is up to you.

Napping. Not just for seniors anymore.

For years, I’ve resisted the temptation to sneak off to nap for a half hour or so. Not wanting to appear senior before my time, I put napping up there with drinking before noon and wearing white in winter. It wasn’t worth the guilt.

A Geezer By Any Other Name

We seniors have an image problem. And your falling asleep at dinner last night didn’t help.

Gifts for that Senior in Your Life

When you’ve lived as long as most seniors, you’ve got everything ó and then some. Here are some helpful hints for gifts seniors will never buy for themselves.

The Meaning of Life, and Other Computer Glitches

Search results may be elegant, but they’re hardly pretty.

Funny, I Don’t Remember Being Absent-Minded

Strategies for handling “senior moments” without dying of embarrassment.

Musings of a Senior Goddess

Where are Hot Lips and Hawkeye? God, Ritchie and the Fonz are now bald. I never did seem to find the time to learn all the words to Louie Louie.

When to Lie About Your Age

For many of us, getting old is bad enough. Having to admit it is intolerable. Here’s how to handle ancient city with alacrity.

I Wanna Be Just Like Her When I Grow Up

“The best way to feel really good about yourself is to exercise,” says Rita Moreno. The worst, in my opinion, is that it’s never too late to start.

Presidential Pride

Here’s how to get President George W. Bush to send a personal Birthday Greeting to someone you love. Ex-presidents Clinton, Bush, Reagan, and Ford, too. It’s a nice gesture, but watch out! It can cause BIG TROUBLE.

Spank Me!

Sadly, many words and phrases that we grew up with are today as dated as buggy whips. Still, occasionally one blows by our ears like the name of our first lover, sweet and warm.

Falling into the Generation Gap?

They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably never have actually seen or listened to one.


ETC…

Yes, You Can Afford to Retire in Costa Rica

Where else can you find great climate, $50/mo healthcare coverage, a 2/bed, 2/bath home for $300/mo in a paradise where the natives just love Americans?

CHARLEY!!

A Field Guide to Fla. Hurricanes for those considering retirement down here.
Three days that changed our Florida world. What it was like before, during, and after the most destructive hurricane since Andrew.

Boomer Alert! Here’s What Happens to You Next.

With thousands of boomers every day becoming rookie geezers, Frank takes pity and lets them know what’s in store for them as they become true old coots.

Hurricane Jeanne Wasn’t My Fault! Was it?

Readers warned me: One more disparaging word about President Bush and God would get me. Now, after four hurricanes that may or may not be my fault, I’ve got the whole state of Florida mad at me, especially poor little Babson Park.

The Charms of Madison County

If you ever want to get away from it all and return to the friendlier world you knew as a kid, I suggest that you visit or retire to Florida’s Madison County. Its comfort and ease are akin to that first deep breath you take as you step off a jet following a particularly harrowing flight.

Stampede Promises Old Cowpokes Swaggering Good Time In Calgary

July’s annual Calgary Stampede turns everyone into a cowboy. This combination carnival midway, state fair, rodeo, chuckwagon race, Native American powwow, and Broadway-style musical with more than a hint of Cirque du Soleil promises and delivers fun for everyone.

Glimmers

He’s seldom discussed. Polite, even casual conversation spurns His mention. But once we reach seniordom (Suddenly!), we find ourselves thinking about Him more and more. Readers asked that I write about God. So here goes…

The Insane Judgment of Andrea Yates

Although no one can possibly know exactly what was in this mother’s head when she systematically murdered her five children, I have traveled to the dark outskirts of that hell in which she found herself. I feel compelled to tell you what it was like for me.

What Happened to Your Dream?

Remember your dream? Where you were going to sketch beside a waterfall in Maui? Or sail a clipper ship to Tahiti? Or turn your hobby into a successful business, making work pleasurable again. Frank asks, what happened?

I Say Senior, You Say Señor.

Boomers, now joining our ranks by the millions, hate to be called “seniors.” After years of worshipping at the altar of youth, getting that “Welcome to AARP” letter freaks them. Poor things. I have some suggestions on what to call these aging whippersnappers.

Signs of Age. Or Is It Wisdom?

Ever see the late Walter Matthau looking back at you from the mirror? Or Baby Snooks in the liver spot pattern on your arm? Frank has. And he has some suggestions on how to regard all those wrinkles, spots, growths, and other indignities of age.

Afraid Wealth Turns You Greedy?

Truth is, every single senior citizen at the recent AARP convention I spoke to about sudden wealth said, “Bring it on! I can handle it!”

Signposts

Words put together in ways that seem to resonate with our very soul.

Retirement Community Not End of the World

Is this the end of the road? The final step before The Last Roundup? Living in the land of “Early Bird Specials,” shuffleboard, and shuffling octogenarians, Frank takes a look at his new home “On Top of the World.”

A Geezer’s List for Santa

What do you want for Christmas? How about a clock that tracks “senior time,” a clapper for your glasses, and of course, world peace?

Santa’s Old Lady Says “Enough is Enough”

By the old girl herself! A ditty about an old lady, fed up with dumb elves, lousy toys, and a husband who snores, farts, and is lazy 364 days a year. Let’s hear it for retirement.


TRIVIA

It’s Only Trivia!

For the seventh straight year, Suddenly Senior brings you yet another way to see how mindless you’ve become in your dottering 50+ age. Now, where did you put your glasses?

Beatlemania

Hey Jude, Take A Walk In Strawberry Fields. Just how good is your failing memory about the Fav Four.

Stars In Your Eyes Trivia Quiz

Yet another chance to prove that you’re “Older than Dirt.” Remember Liz Taylor’s love life, Brando’s “Stellaaaa,” old Blue Eye’s marriages?

Welcome Back to the ’50s: Yet Another “Older Than Dirt” Trivia Quiz

OK, OLD TIMER. You think you remember it all, the Korean War, McCarthy, Elizabeth’s coronation, Khrushchev’s shoe, Elvis, fins, Sputnik, hula hoops and Barbie dolls. Let’s see how good you really are!

Remember the Titters & Terrors of Yesteryear?

Take a stroll down radio’s memory lane. This “Older Than Dirt” Suddenly Senior Trivia Quiz will show you how much you remember!

Geezer Test! Are You “Older Than Dirt?”

Forgetting things, lately? Here’s your chance for redemption. Twenty questions that will prove once and for all whether you’re older than dirt.

“Older Than Dirt” Trivia Quiz for a Dreary Fall Afternoon

What do Sparkle Plenty, Lou Costello, Fibber McGee, Trigger, Doris Day, Black Jack Chewing Gum, 10¢ War Bond Saving Stamps, and Pinocchio have in common? They’re all part of this week’s Suddenly Senior Trivia Quiz. See how YOU do.

TV Cop-Outs: Another “Are You Older Than Dirt?” Quiz

How’s your memory today? We won’t even ask you to recall long-gone radio personalities. (Maybe next time!) Just a few famous TV cops from the ’50s to last season’s NYPD Blue. Just the facts, Ma’am.

1st Annual Trivia Contest

Your chance to prove that your memory’s (almost) intact.

3rd Annual Trivia Quiz

Here’s another chance to prove that your memory’s (somewhat) intact. Victory Gardens, telephone party lines, blue bulbs, old Studebakers, and how “The gals will all pursue ya.” It’s all here in the 2003 search for those “Older Than Dirt!”

3rd-and-a-Half Annual Trivia Quiz

We know how you did on the 3rd Annual quiz. Here’s your chance to redeem yourself and prove that all those who say that your memory’s gone are only half right.

4th Annual Trivia Contest

We know how you did on the 3rd Annual quiz! And you thought that you knew something. Ha! This one tests your memory of old ads from the ’40s and ’50s. Prove that you still have a bit of memory left.

It’s the 5th Annual Geezer Test. Are You ‘Older Than Dirt?’

If you can’t remember your current phone number but know the earned run average of a 1940s baseball player or your 2nd grade teacher’s name, this is the quiz for you!

“Horses & Horrors” Another “Older Than Dirt” Radio Quiz

Remember “Gang Busters?” How about “The Inner Sanctum?” If these jog your brain cells, you should do well on this new Suddenly Senior quiz.


If God Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, She Would Have Put Them on My Knees

There are consequences to senior couples who exercise together. Losing weight is not one of them.

Getting Old Stinks, and Other Good News from AARP

The high point of my entire AARP week was when my wife leaned over and whispered, “Honey, look at that sea of gray and balding men in front of us. Makes you look darn good.”

Cruising the Seven Deadly Seas

Rich, sweet foods you’d never dream of eating anywhere else, shipboard it’s a matter of getting your money’s worth.

I Wish I’d Been This Young When I Was 20

All about how to reinvent yourself. Again. Maybe through a hot-air balloon flight. Retirement is about being what and who you want. Fresh starts without fear.

Life is Short. Jump at It!

My wife, Carolyn, and I are three miles up, falling, tumbling, soaring through space at 174 feet per second ó 120 mph or “terminal velocity.” Read why two old goats jumped from a perfectly good airplane last week.

You’re Never Too Old To Surf the Internet

Americans age 65 and up are jumping on the Web faster than a free Early Bird Special. What are they doing there? Two thousand Suddenly Senior readers confess. Read all about useful sites helpful to old pros and newbies alike.

Frank’s Excellent Submarine Adventure

Recently, Frank spent a day aboard a nuclear sub like the now-infamous Greeneville. Perhaps someone should have questioned the judgment of letting him dive and, later, allowing him at the helm when they quick-surfaced, just like the Greeneville.

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