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A FRESH AND FUNNY LOOK AT SENIORDOM.
“I think my sexpiration date has expired!”
SENIOR SEX Gramps Doing It!
SENIOR NOSTALGIA Remember? Dating in the ‘50s and other lies
SENIOR TRIVIA Are you “older than dirt?” Take these quizzes
SENIOR SEX ARTICLES…
The real pièce de résistance, though, was that first line of defense no mother would let her daughter out without the dreaded girdle.
Not if today’s seniors have anything to say about it. We may embarrass our kids and shock the neighbors, but wrinkly Romeos and sagging seductresses are just carrying on a time-honored tradition.
As we slip and slide toward the inevitable, is there a senior among us who hasn’t pondered the possibility of hot sex beyond those pearly gates? Eternity is a long time to go without a good roll in the hay.
An older, single woman usually has had her fill of “meaningful relationships” and “commitment.” Can’t relate? Can’t commit? She could care less. The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
(Probably a very short column)Of course, many of the younger generation, including our sons and daughters, find it disgusting that Granny and Gramps could still be doing it. “More than you think,” says Frank. “Much more!”
What really catches my eye is the dazzling red type across from the photo saying, “Your Penis Shrinks 19.8% as you get older due to deficiency of testosterone!”
One minute you’re a male sex object, the next, you’re a lecherous old fart with bad breath, bad teeth, and probably badly in need of Viagra.
Dozens of sightings of senior citizens engaged in outdoor sexual activities leads to an investigation of “Looking for Love” classified ads for the senior set.
With WebCams for everything else, it’s time for GeezerCam. The camera could follow my every movement from the times I get up in the middle of the night to pee right through my exciting day until my wife and I shake hands at bedtime. Eye-popping? You bet!
Dating, the second time around, has its pitfalls. Senior men seem to believe mature women want nothing more than a warm body who doesn’t miss the toilet too often. Senior women claim they’re lucky to find a man who can remember where he left his teeth. Learn the ugly truth here.
I”As is the mother, so is her daughter.” — Ezekiel 16:44
If you grew up when neighborhood drugstores sold little but medicine and sodas, when prescriptions cost 67 cents, and when Lime Rickeys, Green River, Lydia Pinkhams and Hadacol were “the mostest,” this column’s for you.
Many of us lost a dear friend on April 29, 2004, as the final Oldsmobile rolled off the assembly line. The oldest automotive brand name in US history died at age 106. What are your Olds memories? I share some of mine.
A story of heroics exactly 60 years ago. Meet pilot, John McLaughlin, then fly the restored WWII B-17 bomber Fuddy Duddy. Climb aboard. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Here’s why I think Katharine and Audrey were the two standout artists of the 20th Century. It certainly wasn’t just their good looks and charm.
My friend Dom DiCarlo thought he’d find fame and fortune when he joined the Navy in 1939. Instead, he witnessed Pearl Harbor and confronted his own true heroism.
Remember? You were going to live forever. Today, the you that you think you are and the you that others see are unrecognizable one to the other. Trust me on this. Read Frank’s belated valentine to the Class of 1953.
Pearl Harbor. Jack Kennedy’s assassination. Sept. 11. Moments in our lives that live forever. Here are a few of mine.
Were drive-in movies of the ‘40s and ‘50s the sexually unrestrained “passion pits” of yore? Or is all that our inner teenager’s imagination?
Wearing that 1957 hat made me feel like an adult for the first time in my life. It told the world that I was now a man of substance, someone not to be trifled with.
Every evening you’d find my extended family out there recalling their days, catching up on the news, greeting and often sharing the evening’s dessert of rhubarb pie with passing neighbors.
It was Jezebel, beautiful, sensuous and forbidden, a wanton mistress that threatened the very stability and sanctity of marriage.
My father was a bigoted fool. I had no prejudices whatsoever. A look at why we hate who we hate. And how blind we are when it comes to our own intolerance.
From radio, I learned that hard work, discipline and stick-to-itiveness were essential to marital bliss.
It wasn’t much on looks. It had more miles on it than God. The clutch slipped, the rear shocks didn’t work, and inside it smelled like someone died. But that ’39 Studebaker was my first car, my first true love.
What a quaint concept! In this day of $2-a-gallon gas, imagine getting actual service at a service station. Today, it’s as bizarre a notion to anyone under 40 as a gentleman’s tipping his hat to a lady. Yet, 40 years ago, both were part of everyday America. Here’s what happened.
I was not smitten, just embarrassed. Naomi’s glass eye glittered, eager for my attention. And as the girl already had well-developed breasts, I had nowhere to look except at our feet or the ceiling.
BATTLES WE WAGE…
The suicide rate among seniors in Japan was extraordinarily high for many, many years until the Japanese government undertook several social programs to provide proper care for the elderly 20-25 years ago.
I think it is the repeat of President Barrack Obama’s promise to “veto all earmarks” that Congress sends him, that brought to mind the great lexicon we live with in our version of the English language.
How did the local government know I had a cat? The veterinarian was the only source of that information and must have reported it to the government. Big Brother is apparently alive and well in the cat business.
On the evening of October 3rd, Carolyn pretty much reached the point of no return.
While it has been rumored for a while that the nearly 60 million Americans who draw Social Security benefits may find them frozen again this year it has finally been confirmed by Washington that there will be no Social Security cost-of-living increase in 2011.
When is the last time you got a call from someone taking a poll that didn’t want to sell you a free weekend in a timeshare resort about 10 miles west of paradise? I know a lot of people, but few, if any, have ever gotten a call from a legitimate pollster if such an animal really exists.
Two, no three actions you can take to help your pocketbook. While Congress has you between a rock and a sick place, this could save you both money and health.
Tired of getting 5% interest? Here’s how to get 50,000%, just like the big guys. And how to save democracy while you’re at it.
To Sign, or Not to Sign? What to do by May 15th
Lifetime penalties await all those seniors who delay doing the bidding of our government. Is that any way to treat fellow Americans? Read the alternatives to this sorry mess.
Greedy geezers get blamed for all America’s financial ills these days. What with gazillions going for Social Security, Medicare, and a host of other programs promoting greed and sloth among us old poops, seems there’s hardly anything left for political pork, corporate welfare, and war.
Gaggles of Raging Grannies all across the US and Canada promote global peace, justice, and social and economic equality by raising public awareness through the medium of song and humor. If only guys could join.
When Plan D insurance companies let greed dictate service, seniors became exasperated by the wanton gall of it all. Seems time to demonstrate to America that we still remember that democracy is a government of, by, and especially, for the people.
I called my Congressman today to ask him how big his donut hole is. Guess what? He doesn’t have a donut hole. Nor does he have to pay out of pocket for drugs not covered. In fact, the People’s House lives by very different rules than you and I. Is that fair? Read Frank’s modest proposal.
Wouldn’t that explain a lot? Who else but aliens, posing as “representatives of the people,” would dismiss their constituents’ biggest problems, listening only to and voting only for those who give them big money? For proof, read Plan D!
While Medicare’s Plan D sinks under the weight of political bribes and drug and insurance giveaways, a recent Congressional report concludes the drug prices offered by Part D drug plans are “over 60 percent higher than the prices available to consumers in Canada…almost 3 percent higher than the prices available at Costco.”
Learn how and why AARP lies to us about Medicare‘s Plan D. Instead of fighting for seniors, AARP throws us to the HMO wolves and builds power on our good names. In turn we are rewarded with the occasional hotel discount.
Frank takes you along as he attempts to negotiate the shoals of Medicare’s drug plan, both online and by phone. Hold your nose. It stinks every bit as bad as everyone says.
Who saves? Who doesn’t? Here’s a look behind the gobbledygook at exactly what you can expect under the new Medicare drug bill. I, for one, will have nothing to do with it. I’ll lose way too much money.
Big Pharma wants to give you free medicine! Proof that even corporate bullies like to be liked. Here’s where to call and what to do. Get into a patient assistance program. Before it’s too late!
Medicare’s new handbook forgets to mention the $2,850 “Donut Hole.” Congress forgets to be fair. And seniors everywhere are bending over to kiss their healthy asses goodbye.
Why is Washington scaring the hell out of us seniors proposing the plundering our nation’s most reliable anti-poverty program and providing Wall Street with the spoils? One guess will do.
In a bloodstained barrack, I stood stunned. My fellow Americans had just shunned me, exiling me in this place where 1.6 million were exiled and killed by similar actions and thought.
Soon, Canada may prohibit its pharmacies from shipping to the US. But if you need affordable drugs, you’ll still get them through your trusted Canadian pharmacist.
Like its predecessor, Medicare+Choice, the new Medicare Advantage program seems to outshine plain old Medicare just as Congress intended. Could it be another attempt to kill Medicare, putting seniors at the mercy of the profit-hungry HMOs?
Since 1990, while Terri Schiavo was trapped in a purgatory of the living dead, posturing politicians play God. The lesson: Sign a Living Will. Now!
Because it was over almost before it started, many now wonder what this war was really all about. Was this a case of “Wag the Dog?” And, why did Canada add the word “Great?”
Frank’s wife, Carolyn, just got canned. Why? Who knows? Her manager yelled, “Get your ass the hell out of here!” Read what it’s like, what we can do about it when it happens. Medicare Discount Cards:
Does our government think we turn into fools at age 65? Although there’s little but confusion in this latest drug card trick, there are a few gems for low-income seniors.
A hard, provocative look at Big Pharma. How their abusive and immoral practices threaten us all. And how they’re now blocking affordable drugs from Canada, then lying about it.
The Federal Drug Administration is at war with seniors. The USFDA is America’s very own terrorist organization. Its lies on behalf of the thuggish and greedy drug companies are costing us billions. Costing us lives, too.
All about traitors — both in Congress and at AARP — and the final death rattle of an idea that could have saved countless thousands of senior lives and immeasurable suffering: physical, financial, and emotional.
Print and save this! Here’s the scoop on saving big at drug companies’ Patient Assistant Programs, the VA, discount cards, HMOs, generics, even Canadian pharmacies. Up to date as of Feb. 2004.
With 37 million members and a budget of $750 million, you’d think AARP would have the clout to get us an essential Medicare drug benefit. Trouble is, it never asks. Read why.
Just when our neediest brother and sister seniors find a place to buy more affordable drugs, the pharmaceutical industry threatens to cut them off, endangering the health of millions.
Wonder why your 2003 Social Security increase is so cheesy? Here’s how Congress is screwing us seniors once again, this time by not measuring our Social Security inflation index by realistic senior expenses.
We seniors are under attack like never before. In their insatiable lust for profit, the pharmaceutical industry vultures have become so bold, so arrogant in their grab for riches, they now menace the fiscal and physical health of most seniors. Here’s what to do.
Here’s exactly how to save 40 percent or more (sometimes much more) on your prescription drugs. (I just saved $583.27 for three month’s medicine!)
Congress lies when it says it wants to pass a Medicare drug benefit this year. Fortunately, drug companies now offer cheap, even free pharmaceuticals pretty much for the asking to those seniors who need them most.
Here’s how to make telemarketers the source of humor and joy in your life, while creating shock and awe in theirs. Plus a not so trivial way to make big bucks off them as well.
If you’re a senior, you grew up with the beginnings of TV. In 1960, FCC Chairman Newton Minow condemned the medium as a “vast wasteland.” A nostalgic look at then and now. Is today any better?
Can you think of a better way to spend your retirement than as a patriotic revolutionary, saving democracy for the world?
Soon, it’ll come to bumper stickers reading “Seniors: The Other White Meat.”
Some 49 million of us came of age just too late to be war heroes and just too early to be youthful free spirits. Is there hope for us yet?
Is this Uncle Sam’s secret plan for getting rid of everyone over 65?
Don’t just stop, give up, and fall into invisibility. Get involved. Help out. Be instrumental in change for the good.
Mention the senior market and even veteran admen and women conjure Mr. Whipple squeezing Charmin while Clara chortles “Where’s the beef?” They haven’t a clue that most of us are rich, free-spending active consumers.
Maybe F. Scott Fitzgerald was right when he said, “There are no second acts in American lives.” But look at Cher, Tony Bennett, and The Supremes. John Glenn. The Volkswagen Beetle, for crying out loud. If they can do it, why can’t I?
There is nothing quite like a transatlantic voyage to still your soul.
From the primeval rainforests and volcanoes to the ever-smiling, waving and helpful Ticos, Frank and Carolyn explore this Central American democracy and find it fascinating from Atlantic to Pacific. Inexpensive, too.
Today’s China is the safest, friendliest, and most fascinating country you can visit this year. Frank and Carolyn just returned from what Frank calls their “Spoiled Rotten in China” tour.
Carolyn, Frank’s wife and traveling companion to China last year, provides her impressions of this fast-changing nation, probably the friendliest, safest, and most interesting place you’ll ever visit.
DEAR SUDDENLY SENIOR…
Thus begins yet another service from Suddenly Senior. Experts Flo and Moe respond to readers’ deepest concerns. Learn about a wife’s dilemma with her clicker-happy husband, even orgies, octogenarian-style.
It’s all at Flo & Moe Answer Your Pressing Problems.
THE JOYS OF GETTING OLDER…
Perhaps you’re simply seeking new friends to socialize with, go to dinner, go dancing, to the theater, movies or ball games. Whomever you seek, you can likely find that person on a dating website more easily than the traditional options.
Just when I thought my dolce vita was over
Time magazine put me on their cover – And suddenly my life got a fresh start
Another in Suddenly Senior‘s series “The Real Truth About Getting Old,” Kaiser takes you to his urologist, then his ophthalmologist where you’ll learn more than you ever wanted to know.
As if we didn’t have enough problems down here. In addition to ever more savage hurricanes, rapacious developers, and arguably the most venal politicians on earth, Florida now claims the title, Python Capital of the Nation.
Twelve days after Carolyn’s 65th birthday, she was getting a new, younger face sculpted in a Costa Rican hospital. For about a fifth the US cost, she had a US-trained, board-certified doctor, the best hospital she’d ever seen, and recuperation under a volcano in the rain forest.
In Florida, geezers rule. If a politician wants to stop us from driving, we just shoot him. It’s the law down here.
Here’s everything you ever wanted to know about senior moments and their cause, and surefire advice on what to do about them.
A view of fall, life, and death from Nova Scotia in autumn. Is being a geezer a prelude to death or the most spectacular time of life?
A recent study claims geezers are rude compared with young adults. It found that see nothing wrong in asking about a friend’s hemorrhoids, bankruptcy, or recent marital infidelity across a crowded dinner table. Read the truth about this phenom here.
Back in our day, school was, well, a bore. Today, teachers on bikes seduce 14-year-old boys, science teachers share their home-grown pot, and soon Florida students can shoot bullies, teachers, even parents pretty much at will.
Some men even use their ear and nose hairs to camouflage their bald spots. Frank wonders, what should he do? A Trump? A Giuliani? A Yul? And who knew comb-overs are patented?
Blame it on the flu vaccine shortage. Senior men are getting loopier every day. AARP says the cause is male menopause. Frank thinks it’s the gazillion political ads we’ve been forced to endure.
Frank’s wife, Carolyn, finds (to her horror!) her mother’s words pouring from her mouth as she threatens a grandson with a bath. The words have no effect. Years ago, they had no effect on Carolyn. Or, before that, on her mother. Is this in our DNA? Did our Neanderthal forebears use the same empty phrases?
My generation’s made a mess of things. Sorry, but it’s up to you to reclaim democracy. Here’s how to start.
Did we retire just to continue working hard, still not smelling the roses? Seems that Frank did. His pathetic life needs help and it needs it now. Any takers?
Frank’s wife, Carolyn, got fired. At 63, where can she go for a job that won’t discriminate because of her age? How about Congress? Great pay. Terrific benefits. Frank tells all you need to know to get in.
We know your little secret. Aren’t you a bit long in the tooth to be chatting with an imaginary friend? Isn’t talking to yourself a sign of insanity? Before the white-coat boys with nets start heading your way, read this.
After swearing never to attend another high school reunion, I find redemption, forgiveness, and joy in the Class of ’53. The story of a class finally coming of age.
I’ve given up all my bad habits, and what’s my reward for now leading a dull life? A shrinking bladder and a prostate bigger than a 20-year-old’s ego. I’d say more, but I have to go.
Was it our first “senior moment.” Our first gray hair? The first time our spouse whispered, “Dear, you already said that?” Revelations from my college reunion last week.
There is one rule of senior living that’s as immutable as gravity, God’s Commandments, or Star Trek’s Prime Directive. Learn what it is and how to cope. It’s all here.
Instead of a nightmare with knives in my eyes, cataract surgery is the most painlessly effective medical procedure this side of childhood inoculations. Best of all, it scares the grandkids!
I myself have a full head of hair, good looks, great muscle tone, and the flattest belly this side of the Fifth Street Gym. Why that 65-year-old guy in the mirror let himself go so, I have no idea. But he ought to be ashamed.
My colonoscopy and endoscopy procedures were broken down into three stages: Bathroom; Biopsy; and Babbling. Read detailed do’s and don’ts about these lifesaving tests that push your humility, dignity, and humor to their limits. Bottoms up!
If you haven’t had an invisible moment, you will. By the time you’re 85, hardly anyone ever sees you.
(Sure you deserve to?)
Straight from the wise pages of Esquire. What you can do for your heart, your skin, your knees, your mouth, your eyes, and your brain to add five years to your life. It’s so e-a-s-y.
Three hundred eighty words as wise as any you’ll read this year.
We asked. Do women’s standards decrease as they age? You might be surprised at what we learned. From men, too.
We got married first, then slept together. Service stations had service. Fast food was what our Catholic friends ate during Lent. “Made in Japan” meant junk, and “making out” referred to how you did on your math exam.
Hundreds of years of wear and tear have left Santa with a sore back and bunions. As it is for the rest of us, it’s time Santa retires. Next year, Christmas is up to you.
For years, I’ve resisted the temptation to sneak off to nap for a half hour or so. Not wanting to appear senior before my time, I put napping up there with drinking before noon and wearing white in winter. It wasn’t worth the guilt.
We seniors have an image problem. And your falling asleep at dinner last night didn’t help.
When you’ve lived as long as most seniors, you’ve got everything ó and then some. Here are some helpful hints for gifts seniors will never buy for themselves.
Strategies for handling “senior moments” without dying of embarrassment.
Where are Hot Lips and Hawkeye? God, Ritchie and the Fonz are now bald. I never did seem to find the time to learn all the words to Louie Louie.
Here’s how to get President George W. Bush to send a personal Birthday Greeting to someone you love. Ex-presidents Clinton, Bush, Reagan, and Ford, too. It’s a nice gesture, but watch out! It can cause BIG TROUBLE.
Sadly, many words and phrases that we grew up with are today as dated as buggy whips. Still, occasionally one blows by our ears like the name of our first lover, sweet and warm.
They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably never have actually seen or listened to one.
Where else can you find great climate, $50/mo healthcare coverage, a 2/bed, 2/bath home for $300/mo in a paradise where the natives just love Americans?
A Field Guide to Fla. Hurricanes for those considering retirement down here.
Three days that changed our Florida world. What it was like before, during, and after the most destructive hurricane since Andrew.
Readers warned me: One more disparaging word about President Bush and God would get me. Now, after four hurricanes that may or may not be my fault, I’ve got the whole state of Florida mad at me, especially poor little Babson Park.
If you ever want to get away from it all and return to the friendlier world you knew as a kid, I suggest that you visit or retire to Florida’s Madison County. Its comfort and ease are akin to that first deep breath you take as you step off a jet following a particularly harrowing flight.
Although no one can possibly know exactly what was in this mother’s head when she systematically murdered her five children, I have traveled to the dark outskirts of that hell in which she found herself. I feel compelled to tell you what it was like for me.
Remember your dream? Where you were going to sketch beside a waterfall in Maui? Or sail a clipper ship to Tahiti? Or turn your hobby into a successful business, making work pleasurable again. Frank asks, what happened?
Boomers, now joining our ranks by the millions, hate to be called “seniors.” After years of worshipping at the altar of youth, getting that “Welcome to AARP” letter freaks them. Poor things. I have some suggestions on what to call these aging whippersnappers.
Truth is, every single senior citizen at the recent AARP convention I spoke to about sudden wealth said, “Bring it on! I can handle it!”
Is this the end of the road? The final step before The Last Roundup? Living in the land of “Early Bird Specials,” shuffleboard, and shuffling octogenarians, Frank takes a look at his new home “On Top of the World.”
There are consequences to senior couples who exercise together. Losing weight is not one of them.
My wife, Carolyn, and I are three miles up, falling, tumbling, soaring through space at 174 feet per second ó 120 mph or “terminal velocity.” Read why two old goats jumped from a perfectly good airplane last week.
Americans age 65 and up are jumping on the Web faster than a free Early Bird Special. What are they doing there? Two thousand Suddenly Senior readers confess. Read all about useful sites helpful to old pros and newbies alike.
For the seventh straight year, Suddenly Senior brings you yet another way to see how mindless you’ve become in your dottering 50+ age. Now, where did you put your glasses?
Hey Jude, Take A Walk In Strawberry Fields. Just how good is your failing memory about the Fav Four.
Yet another chance to prove that you’re “Older than Dirt.” Remember Liz Taylor’s love life, Brando’s “Stellaaaa,” old Blue Eye’s marriages?
OK, OLD TIMER. You think you remember it all, the Korean War, McCarthy, Elizabeth’s coronation, Khrushchev’s shoe, Elvis, fins, Sputnik, hula hoops and Barbie dolls. Let’s see how good you really are!
Take a stroll down radio’s memory lane. This “Older Than Dirt” Suddenly Senior Trivia Quiz will show you how much you remember!
Forgetting things, lately? Here’s your chance for redemption. Twenty questions that will prove once and for all whether you’re older than dirt.
What do Sparkle Plenty, Lou Costello, Fibber McGee, Trigger, Doris Day, Black Jack Chewing Gum, 10¢ War Bond Saving Stamps, and Pinocchio have in common? They’re all part of this week’s Suddenly Senior Trivia Quiz. See how YOU do.
How’s your memory today? We won’t even ask you to recall long-gone radio personalities. (Maybe next time!) Just a few famous TV cops from the ’50s to last season’s NYPD Blue. Just the facts, Ma’am.
Your chance to prove that your memory’s (almost) intact.
Here’s another chance to prove that your memory’s (somewhat) intact. Victory Gardens, telephone party lines, blue bulbs, old Studebakers, and how “The gals will all pursue ya.” It’s all here in the 2003 search for those “Older Than Dirt!”
We know how you did on the 3rd Annual quiz. Here’s your chance to redeem yourself and prove that all those who say that your memory’s gone are only half right.
We know how you did on the 3rd Annual quiz! And you thought that you knew something. Ha! This one tests your memory of old ads from the ’40s and ’50s. Prove that you still have a bit of memory left.
If you can’t remember your current phone number but know the earned run average of a 1940s baseball player or your 2nd grade teacher’s name, this is the quiz for you!
Remember “Gangbusters?” How about “The Inner Sanctum?” If these jog your brain cells, you should do well on this new Suddenly Senior quiz.
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